Seek & Find

There is always a reward in the leaps we take because once we jump we know that we at least made an effort and if it works out, we have a plus to add to our story 

And so she went for it and took a leap 

She took a chance and wrote a “Dear John” letter and sent it out to the world

A page with words full of hope, wonder and a few questions to be asked 

Shortly after she received a response!

She was surprised and relieved at the same time because it’s always nice when friendships last the test of time 

See, for her it wasn’t about the romance but about the person that had so much to share 

Experiences lived with stories to tell 

It’s always about the person and the coming together of two worlds building on friendship 

Knowing that people can still come together to share great conversation in simplicity 

But alas something must have happened along the way 

As quickly as he replied, his messages stopped 

They didn’t get lost, they just stopped 

It happens in life, with out any clue or reason 

Things just disappear, and then the question is 

What to do?…

-Bionica

Encountered Treasure

Not exactly a love letter but a kind email circa September of 2008 

From a sailor friend made that very year during New York’s Fleet Week

An interesting experience to meet this kind young man all dressed in white

When his skin made me think ‘lobster red’ from being out in the sun so long 

He had asked me for my newly gotten phone number and I didn’t know it just yet, but I got it right 

And he was able to call me after 

We kept in contact and during deployment we moved on to emails 

Emails for the modern penpals and I’m so happy to have found them 

Was I taken back to 2008? Not exactly 

I simply remembered talking with a great friend whom I haven’t spoken to in years 

And in that letter my friend asked me if I had found my Prince Charming…

Brining a smile to my face because I have found something so much better 

I found myself and my voice 

While the girl in 2008 wasn’t sure yet of what she wanted the woman of today is happy to be assertive 

Happy to know her value and what she brings to any place be it a relationship or her career 

The woman of today isn’t seeking approval from others but making an effort to do what’s best for her 

And along the way she fell in love with who she is inside and out 

A major message for the girl in 2008 

Not to worry because what really matters, will turn out to be great! 

Bionica

Different & the Same

There is something about anonymity that holds so much allure 

Like the fact that you can be who you are and no one will know 

Which kind of means that whatever criticisms come to surface will simply linger for a short while

With out a face or body to adhere, they simply dissipate after time 

So when writing with a nom de plume of which nothing is known 

There may be less of a vulnerably aspect 

As the person sharing the deepest insights of the soul is simply words imagined to a being 

I like that because in sharing such personal stories one can only wonder 

‘How does this person know?…who told them my story?’

But it’s because as different as we are

Humans hold so many similarities that bring us together 

Almost like a garden of different flowers

Each emitting an individual scent yet all experience the pollination process from bees 

Which makes us not so different from on another after all… 

-Bionica

Trauma

Trauma, sometimes it just lays under your skin, waiting for a chill to blow and make your hair rise

Letting you know that it will forever be there 

It can follow you and can be an expressive sign of your obvious discomfort 

And so I think about those women that haven’t had any sexual trauma 

Those women, if they’re out– there that haven’t had any sexual harassment 

How amazing it must be to be fully confident in your most expressive self, the naked body 

Without ever thinking back to a moment when that naked body had been seen with eyes of someone that made you feel anything but confident 

Eyes that made you want to scrub your skin raw 

To remove any and all remnants of that discomfiting stare

Those betraying eyes that made you feel shame for something that is beautiful 

To be forever free of such is amazing 

To know that no one ever made you doubt or want to hide your grace is a gift 

But I wonder, in all honesty, is there any woman out there to be free of such trauma?

 

-Bionica

The nature of some neighbors

 I know exactly what it is about my downstairs neighbors that rubs me the wrong way 

At my neighbors petition, the new owner of the house chopped down a kind cherry tree that had been around for more than 15 years 

Every year providing robust fruit and a sweet home for my bird friends 

They also took down the grapevine that had been growing for years without bothering a soul and providing for mediterranean grape leaf wraps 

There was a fig tree that they went on to remove and one that may have been a peach tree too, I’m not too sure

There was also a larger tree that provided shade and privacy in the summer without any threat of fall whatsoever 

Once chopped down mushrooms have made their appearance as what’s left of the tree begins to rot 

They have removed bushes from the property and worst of all, they have turned the yard into a partial dump 

Now the yard has 2 way too big bbq grills that barely get used, plastic lawn chairs that have seen better days 

A glass table with an umbrella whole but no umbrella and chairs that could be done without 

They throw out so much garbage to simply sit at the side of the house with useless things like styrofoam, old printers, fake plants… 

I just can’t understand how or why they have this odd attitude towards nature that is so good and giving to us 

But I guess they get it in other ways like when the gofer eats the tomatoes they plant among the plastic containers they leave in the yard after taking out the plants to be transplanted 

Oh and my neighbor had the audacity to say that I her crops get eaten because of me when she literally let’s them rot instead of picking them when they’re ripe and ready to give away 

She’s upset that I feed the birds, the squirrel and the cat that stops by on occasion to munch on food that would otherwise be thrown away 

She doesn’t understand the struggle we experienced throwing away food that would be all over the floor after my bird friends would peck at the garbage bag trying to grab a snack 

She doesn’t consider team work with my animal friends to make things better for everyone 

Instead she thinks the gofer eats her crops because I give them snacks and not because he’s a gofer that will dig tunnels and do what he wants

A squirrel friend will occasionally leave me ‘gifts’ of partially eaten food like a tomato or avocado here and there to say ‘hey boo, I appreciate you’ and although a simple nod would do, I’m not complaining 

I guess some people are like the lion & the tin man, without a brain or a heart 

To understand that we come of the earth but the earth does not come of us 

And so it is important to work together with nature and understand that it is a true blessing 

When your trees grow and give you fruit 

That the trees are our lungs and because of them we breathe 

But they just don’t get it 

And I’m completely over it…

-Bionica

To Belong

 I always tried so hard to belong 

To belong to the cool group of kids in kindergarten and be accepted by the Dominican girl with the Greek name like Oedipus’ mom slash wife 

But there was never anyone like me through out any of my school years 

There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt that I could identify with 

Not a single place where I felt that I belonged 

Not with my mother, father, brother or family 

My different tastes have always stood out like golden glitter on black paper 

But as a kid I didn’t see the sparkle

All I saw was something scratchy that would make an indent on my fingers if I pressed too hard 

I pressed really hard when I would get my hair straightened but my hair pressed harder when the Just for Me would grow out and it was time to do the roots again 

Aside from making every effort possible to change my hair, I also wanted to change my ethnicity and remember praying that my skin would be white 

That my name would be Melissa or Cindy, something that would be said correctly on the first try 

And when it was time to go shopping I would always pick out something that just didn’t go

And my mother would remind me of this constantly and even today want to change me up just to her liking 

Someone always wants to make an adjustment here or a tweak there to be more of what they like 

But the thing is that I don’t belong to them

I belong to me 

I belong to the happy girl inside that has learned to enjoy being the odd one out 

I have learned that my weirdness is mine only and can’t be taken away 

Does it make me shine like the glitter on the black paper?

Maybe or maybe not….

I know longer care if someone else sees the shine anymore 

I have learned that the sparkle is mine to love and appreciate 

Like the kinks in may hair that may be more coiled on one side than the other 

It’s part of what makes me great 

And the not belonging anywhere 

Well that’s no longer a cross to carry all sad like the men reenacting the stations of the cross

Now it’s what makes me strong to know that I don’t belong anywhere and that’s ok 

To know that I must be the happy home for my being 

Because I belong to me 

I belong to my happiness and my sadness all the same 

Because I don’t have to translate the language of my soul to myself 

I simply close my eyes and open my heart to feel 

Because all these differences, they belong to me so that I can just be… 

Bionica 

But is it worth it to love?

 As a kid she really wasn’t sure what love was 

She didn’t give it much thought 

She remembered that her parents would fight and sometimes her dad would go away 

But he would always go back home 

And she knew that made her happy 

One of her greatest joys was to see him climbing up the stairs to greet her as she stood in the doorway 

But that was at home…

Then on the novelas people would be so happy when they got married

It was supposed to be a day in which two people celebrated being one another’s ever after 

To live in love through and through 

Yet on some episodes people that were married didn’t really like each other 

And they would be miserable because they didn’t love their partner 

Their true love was someone else 

Sometimes single and other times in an unhappy relationship because they didn’t marry for love 

Stealing glances and sometimes forbidden affection from the one they did love

She couldn’t understand why it was all so complicated

Why would someone choose to be with someone that wouldn’t make them happy?

Not just on tv–but in real life 

It seemed to happen all the time 

There was even a trend in which people had divorce parties!

Imagine that, celebrating that you were no longer married to the person that was supposed to be the love of your life and make you happy

She wasn’t sure what to make of it all 

And once in conversation with a co-worker she remembered saying how she could not be able to be with someone whom she didn’t love 

Her co-worker averted her eyes at this, but didn’t say anything 

Could it be that her co-worker had married someone that she didn’t love just like in the novelas?

Maybe, but she didn’t seem miserable like in the novelas 

But then again she never went out with the couple to really see how things were and the feelings there or lack there of 

She thought about it and what it came down to 

Love had or simply always had been an option 

Yes, an option like choosing to have salt on your fries or even a side of ketchup 

Or maybe deciding on the soda with the meal that they would really enjoy but then saying no because it’s not good for them and so they will have a sad meal of fries with seltzer

But love is more than that 

It’s what makes someone’s eyes shimmer as they talk about something they enjoy 

It’s that warmth in the heart when they hug someone they really like being around 

It’s that sigh of relief that comes after sitting down when you had a busy day 

It’s that feeling of being so happy that you are holding the hand of the person that you can be with forever as you lean into them 

It’s so many things that are good and yet people choose to do with out it 

Some people knowingly enter a relationship with someone that will never make them happy 

Perhaps because they know they will have a certain security or they think that person will be a good parent 

But is that enough? 

Is it enough to marry someone with whom you find yourself imaging another when you’re getting physical?

Is it enough to know that you didn’t marry the love of your life and wonder every other day what your life may have been like if you would have said yes to love?

It was all too much for her 

She didn’t care to be with someone just because society made it a sin to be single and happy 

It’s sad how for some it’s so much better to be married with children and not even enjoying the life they live

It’s like living in Lego Land, it all looks so cool and fun but in reality it’s just plastic that gets cold in the winter and hot in the summer and isn’t very comfortable at all 

But this wasn’t anything new 

Not to society, not to the world 

But she wondered how & why someone could choose to be unhappy when they didn’t have to 

Was it really worth living for the views and thoughts of someone else?

Not to her, definitely not to her…

-Bionica