Life, motions & emotions

The other day 

A friend mentioned how without any emotions regardless if they’re happy or sad 

With out the love or the fights 

Life is just bland 

And it is 

It can be simple and monotone 

Because emotions add color 

Sometimes too much color that brings forth a sensory overload 

But that’s what life is, the ups & downs 

If there aren’t any lows you might not appreciate the highs 

But boy is it hard 

It can be exhausting sometimes 

Yet when there is nothing 

We truly do wish for something… 

Bionica 

El otro dia 

Un amigo hizo un comentario sobre la vida 

Que sin el enredo de los momentos tristes, felices, peleas & amor 

No hay vida 

Mas que la sencillez de la monotonía 

Porque las emociones le dan color a la vida 

Puede que aveces sea demasiada la estimulación de tantas emociones 

Pero así es la vida, un sube y baja 

En el que sin los momentos malos no se pueden agradecer los momentos buenos 

Uy pero como es difícil aveces 

Llega a ser algo que te deja exhaust@

Pero cuando no hay nada 

En realidad desearías que hubiera algo…

Bionica 

Ahora

Respiro 

Profundo 

Y me pregunto 

Si creamos nuestra propia realidad 

Será que nuestro pasado también?

O la historia de lo que vivimos antes?

Por ejemplo, ¿qué tal si en otra vida nos conocimos? 

Qué tal si en nuestra vida pasada 

Nos hicimos una promesa 

Yo mirándote a los ojos te dije ‘Mi amor, seré siempre tuya, en esta vida y en la próxima. Siempre, te esperaré y nos volveremos a encontrar. En cada vida, volveremos para escribir la historia más linda de nuestro amor.’

Y tu sonriente me aciertas, me dices que si con un beso suave en los labios

Pero queriendo creer que si es verdad 

Que te esperaré y siempre nos volveremos a encontrar 

Luego llegamos al presente 

Aquí estamos 

Tu y yo frente a frente 

Sin saber que hacer 

Sin saber que decir 

Nos miramos sin decir nada 

Nos acercamos buscando algo conocido 

Pero de eso que vivimos 

No tenemos memoria 

Por lo menos por ahora 

Pero cuando nos acercamos 

Nuestros cuerpos se quieren 

Se quieren juntar

Se quieren sentir 

Se quieren tocar 

Y cuando pasa 

Todo calma 

Es algo extraño porque hace tiempo que se andaban buscando 

Y al volverse a encontrar, hay una tranquilidad única en nuestro ser

Porque nuestras células tienen consciencia de lo que nos dijimos hace mucho tiempo 

Se estaban esperando 

Tu y yo pensando que todo era de ahora

Pero resulta que hace tiempo quedamos en esto 

Que mis amores del presente no llegaron a nada porque aunque no me acordara 

Mi alma sabía que te iba encontrar 

Que aunque no te parezca, hay ciertas cosas destinadas a ser 

Como la felicidad en el amor 

Como el amor sano entre pareja 

Algo así como lo de tu y yo…

-Bionica

 

When

Thinking back she couldn’t remember the first time she saw him 

As much as she tried, it wasn’t something she could place 

She did remember the peach blocked hoodie he wore in place of an actual coat 

A little big for a man of his stature is what she thought as it enveloped him in warmth as the cold winter air danced outside 

He would wink at her and she made nothing of it 

He would attempt to flirt with her and she would ignore it

He was as persistent as her ‘no’s’ 

He seriously asked if he could take her out

To which she giggled at the surprised reaction to those around him 

It wasn’t expected 

And still she didn’t answer 

He went on to hold her against his body 

Tight to his chest he asked someone what they thought of them together

He wanted affirmation of how nice he found them to be

But his question was returned with a blank expression 

One that didn’t care to answer the question 

And she laughed, not because of the question, but because of the stare 

Did he notice anything different?

Was he in a bubble while he held her?

Did he avoid the thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have asked?

She didn’t know and didn’t ask 

She simply noticed the reactions to his questions when it came to her 

But she didn’t think about him 

She didn’t know why he asked others and not her 

She didn’t understand anything that he may have felt when he saw her

But she still tried to avoid him until one day she didn’t 

She tried but that day he won 

It was just the two of them and he was close to her 

So close that she could feel his chest rise with each breath 

She looked at him and he looked at her lips 

He leaned in and she didn’t resist 

As his lips enclosed over her’s they both pulled away 

A reflex she didn’t expect from either one 

It happened though 

Marking something between the two that would stay forever 

Because it was a beginning… 

-Bionica

Dear Dominican Men

 This is my letter to the Dominican men that know nothing about hair and perhaps colorism 

As a kid I remember praying to wake up one day and be completely different 

With out a curl to my hair and a name like Melissa 

I wanted to be just like everyone else and tried so hard 

I wanted to fit in and be accepted

So I would fawn over the Pantene commercials that showed women with long, silky straight hair that fanned out as they shook their head

I wanted to be a chica Mirta 

Because if you ran your fingers through their hair there wouldn’t be a snag

I felt so free with my hair loose in a big pajón when my mom would let me

It was as if no one could catch me and I could finally be free 

But then I would get excited for the Just For Me hair relaxer that would leave me tender headed with chemical burns all over my scalp

Because ‘el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones’ (she who wants nice hair has to endure the pain)

I didn’t like it when my mom braided my hair

I just wanted it to be straight and loose

So when the time came I made sure to be at the salon religiously every two weeks

I would let the women pull my hair and fry my scalp and brush it after so that I could be a real Chica Mirta (whatever that means)

I worked so hard to have best hair in high school but it didn’t happen and somehow I wasn’t disappointed 

Once my mom added a track (extensions) to my forever shoulder length hair 

I got so many compliments with it

I could let believe it

I was feeling myself 

But then something happened

I went to the water park shortly after getting my hair relaxed

When my hair got wet someone asked ‘quién se desrizó?’ (who relaxed their hair?) 

I wanted to die

See when you wash your hair after relaxing it

It smells like sulfur, an egg salad you don’t want to eat 

So after that I wasn’t feeling like too much of a treat

That same year I was uptown with my friend

In desperate need of a touch up

My roots were kinky and the rest straight

I walked by a Dominican man that said ‘la que ta peiná’ (the one with her hair done)

How sweet of him to gently hurt my ego 

That was the last time I straightened my hair 

I went to Spain nervous that I wouldn’t be able to last the 5 weeks with my hair looking nice

It lasted for a bit 

I found a fellow black girl to do my hair 

It wasn’t the same 

I held it back with colored scarves to cover my shame

Then my straight and wavy haired friends encouraged me to leave my hair as it was 

And I did

They didn’t laugh 

They didn’t say I should do this or that 

They simply accepted me and liked me as I was 

But I kept on straightening my hair

The ladies at the salon hated me because I put them to work 

One told me that she had to take a ‘calmante’ (pain killer) after blow drying my hair—ouch 

Sometimes I would be asked if I was a church girl because apparently if we have a love for G-d we no longer care for our hair 

The comments at the salon weren’t usually encouraging

It was constantly about trying to change me 

So I stopped going

And boy was it hard

Years later I’m still trying to navigate what’s best for my hair

I’m always looking for a better way to keep these curls hydrated 

One day may be amazing and another may be screaming out for moisture 

Deep instense moisture and love

I’m working on it

Sometimes I braid my hair because it is a protective style 

My hair feels more cared for when I braid it

When I don’t braid it and let it air dry some might think that my hair hates me

Tightening up so much as not to let the finest comb in

But I think my hair is really protecting me so as not to let anything but love in 

But Dominican men don’t see this or understand this 

They don’t know the struggles on our head to make sure these locks feel right 

They think it’s abandonment and carelessness of the self 

When in reality it comes down to embracing the beauty of being black 

With curls in my hair that I shouldn’t hide

Because when I try to

I just doesn’t come out right 

So now I just let it be

But not everyone will see 

Just how happy it makes me

-Bionica 

¿Cómo decirte?

Como decirte, que me gustan tus canas 

Decirte que me gustaría pasar mis dedos por tu pelo plateado y dejártelo desarreglado luego de haberte besado 

Como decirte que me gusta la manera que tus brazos me acercan a tu cuerpo tanto que sientes mis suspiros como si fueran tuyos 

Como decirte que me encanta la manera en que tu barba roza mi mejilla cuando te acercas y me das un beso 

Como decirte que me gusta que sabes exactamente lo que quieres 

El hecho de que seas un hombre decidido me atrae 

Y la manera en en que tus labios saben exactamente como besarme al acercarse con delicadeza y decirme que me deseas 

Me llena de alegría ver como tus ojos brillan al hablar con tus hijos 

Me gusta escucharte hablar con ellos porque la felicidad que emites es contagiosa 

Pero lo que pasa es que no quiero que me gusten esas cosas de ti porque me da miedo 

Me da miedo que me gustes demasiado y luego saber que no eres mío 

Me da miedo que me gusta la manera en que me miras 

Y me da miedo saber que quieres besarme cuando yo quiero sentirte 

-Bionica

Amor

I think that as human beings we are designed to love
This is why many of us probably seek out relationships
We are hoping to feel that wave of warmth that escalates when with someone–a really good someone

But not everyone is right for us or even for themselves at a given moment

And so when this happens there is a domino like effect of what maybe brief pleasure followed by ongoing sadness, upset and what have you

And sometimes anger...

We become angry that someone isn’t the person we want them to be and vive versa

So it’s like we’re stuck in this loop of dislike and we don’t know why

But I think it’s because many times we lack the patience and self discipline to wait for what’s right

In a world where everything is instant, the waiting game isn’t a favorite of many

But at times, when played well, the results make us forget the time spent

At least that’s what some people say

Oh, and it doesn’t have to be romantic eros love either

Sometimes we don’t even get any parental love 

And so we search for kindness in others but don’t always find it 

And when we do, we may want to simply hold on to it for always & evermore 

It happens because we have an innate need to give love and receive it

I just don’t understand what happens to make us forget about love

After all, everything comes back to love

The way we act, the things we lack and try to make up for—it’s all because of love or the absence of such 

Crazy how something we can’t exactly see, is what we are constantly searching for

Grasping on to slivers of faith with hopes that we will find it. 

-Bionica

Aparte

It wasn’t a break-up because they weren’t together 

It was more of a hook-up 

Two people coming together perhaps precisely for that reason 

To make each other reach a peak that they hadn’t before or at least not in a while 

Nonetheless, the break-up of the hook-up was sudden although expected 

Sudden because there were no words communicated to indicate that a sudden halt was coming 

An abrupt stop that would make the tea sets on any moving train rattle if they didn’t shatter upon reaching the floor

Their floor? Hunter green sheets of a polyester blend most likely

Smelling of a laundry detergent I couldn’t decipher with a softness that went unnoticed during the course of events 

Where everything just ended there 

Upon a plush mattress simply holding two people together 

Maybe having them sink within before coming together to move apart once again 

The results on the symbolic floor of a mattress were not what either expected but perhaps more than they thought 

That sometimes two people are just best apart while forming part of something greater in life 

Coming together to point out small things that only they can see so that later on they could show it to the rest of world 

Making the lens of the kaleidoscope different and all the more interesting 

Just because…  

-Bionica

Palabras No Dichas

 No te voy a decir que cada vez que tomo pienso en ti o que me emborracho en tu nombre 

No te lo voy decir porque no hace falta 

No te lo voy a decir porque hay muchas cosas que tu aun no me has dicho aunque falten por decir 

Pero hablando sola me pregunto ¿porqué no has hablado conmigo?

¿Porqué no me has buscado cuando tuviste el tiempo? 

¿Porqué le sigo dando vueltas a lo de nosotros en mi cabeza? 

Yo pensando que estaba mal

Yo pensando que hice algo malo y que tal vez por eso te fuiste 

Pero la verdad es que no fue algo mío pero tal vez algo tuyo y de los dos 

Tal vez tu fallo fue no hablar y contarme lo que pensabas y lo que sentías 

Tal vez tu fallo fue el no ser honesto contigo y conmigo 

Si hubiéramos hablado mas otra cosa sería pero ¿y ahora qué? 

¿Qué nos toca?

Ahora ¿qué hacemos?

¿Ahora qué hago con esos mensajes que me no me has mandado con el teléfono en la mano y el whisky en la mesa, con los ojos cerrados pensando en nosotros? 

¿Ahora qué hago cuando escuche ‘Volverte A Ver’ y no pueda tocar otra canción?

No te lo voy a decir porque tal vez ni tu mismo sepas 

Lo que vas sentir y aun no contarme… 

Bionica 

Learning

For a birthday in her 20s a friend gave her a special card 

A card that read ‘keep following your heart and everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to’ which come to think about it, she may have forgotten to do 

The heart is the best GPS, but she seemed to have forgotten that along the way to this present day 

In the card her friend wished success and happiness and that her dreams would come true 

That was the year that she met them 

The loves that would mark her life forever 

First she met 1 shortly after asking G-d that the man that was to come into her life would see her looking ok, because if he liked her with her hair a mess, then he would like her for real 

She also asked for someone that was her age and as G-d would have it, 1 came into her life 

It was a surprise to her, one that she welcomed although unsure of what to do and what to say 

She felt shy all of a sudden and couldn’t get the words out to say much to him, but at the same time she wished that 1 would be initiate the conversation 

Instead what went on between the two was a silent exchange of energy in which words were not needed

It was all in the way they looked at each other and the comfort that they felt 

For the first time ever, she felt like staying and she couldn’t believe it 

How was it that this was finally happening to her 

Moments of sweetness in which the two were together, holding one another cheek to cheek

But she was overthinking and at the moment in which he was going to turn his face to kiss her she moved 

She thought about the people around them and not about the moment being lived 

Perhaps within their language without words it was lost that she had romanticized a relationship and how things should really happen 

Perhaps if she would have told him he would have listened and would have done things differently 

But she didn’t and maybe he got tired of trying 

But she always kept on waiting 

As she waited she met 2 who really felt for her but caught up in 1 she didn’t know what to do 

Still she gave it a try without really giving all that she could 

Thinking of 1 she lost out on 2 but she learned that both would have a hold on her ever flowing love 

She learned that with 1 she needed more confidence in the person she was, is and would become 

With 2 she learned to take the present moment for what it is and live it 

From both she learned that love is beautiful and best when shared 

She has learned to be in the moment, give the best of herself even if the other is not prepared 

Because in her best is where the truth of her love stands 

Beginning with the self and flowing to the rest 

-Bionica

10:56pm 

Seek & Find

There is always a reward in the leaps we take because once we jump we know that we at least made an effort and if it works out, we have a plus to add to our story 

And so she went for it and took a leap 

She took a chance and wrote a “Dear John” letter and sent it out to the world

A page with words full of hope, wonder and a few questions to be asked 

Shortly after she received a response!

She was surprised and relieved at the same time because it’s always nice when friendships last the test of time 

See, for her it wasn’t about the romance but about the person that had so much to share 

Experiences lived with stories to tell 

It’s always about the person and the coming together of two worlds building on friendship 

Knowing that people can still come together to share great conversation in simplicity 

But alas something must have happened along the way 

As quickly as he replied, his messages stopped 

They didn’t get lost, they just stopped 

It happens in life, with out any clue or reason 

Things just disappear, and then the question is 

What to do?…

-Bionica

Different & the Same

There is something about anonymity that holds so much allure 

Like the fact that you can be who you are and no one will know 

Which kind of means that whatever criticisms come to surface will simply linger for a short while

With out a face or body to adhere, they simply dissipate after time 

So when writing with a nom de plume of which nothing is known 

There may be less of a vulnerably aspect 

As the person sharing the deepest insights of the soul is simply words imagined to a being 

I like that because in sharing such personal stories one can only wonder 

‘How does this person know?…who told them my story?’

But it’s because as different as we are

Humans hold so many similarities that bring us together 

Almost like a garden of different flowers

Each emitting an individual scent yet all experience the pollination process from bees 

Which makes us not so different from on another after all… 

-Bionica

Trauma

Trauma, sometimes it just lays under your skin, waiting for a chill to blow and make your hair rise

Letting you know that it will forever be there 

It can follow you and can be an expressive sign of your obvious discomfort 

And so I think about those women that haven’t had any sexual trauma 

Those women, if they’re out– there that haven’t had any sexual harassment 

How amazing it must be to be fully confident in your most expressive self, the naked body 

Without ever thinking back to a moment when that naked body had been seen with eyes of someone that made you feel anything but confident 

Eyes that made you want to scrub your skin raw 

To remove any and all remnants of that discomfiting stare

Those betraying eyes that made you feel shame for something that is beautiful 

To be forever free of such is amazing 

To know that no one ever made you doubt or want to hide your grace is a gift 

But I wonder, in all honesty, is there any woman out there to be free of such trauma?

 

-Bionica

To Belong

 I always tried so hard to belong 

To belong to the cool group of kids in kindergarten and be accepted by the Dominican girl with the Greek name like Oedipus’ mom slash wife 

But there was never anyone like me through out any of my school years 

There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt that I could identify with 

Not a single place where I felt that I belonged 

Not with my mother, father, brother or family 

My different tastes have always stood out like golden glitter on black paper 

But as a kid I didn’t see the sparkle

All I saw was something scratchy that would make an indent on my fingers if I pressed too hard 

I pressed really hard when I would get my hair straightened but my hair pressed harder when the Just for Me would grow out and it was time to do the roots again 

Aside from making every effort possible to change my hair, I also wanted to change my ethnicity and remember praying that my skin would be white 

That my name would be Melissa or Cindy, something that would be said correctly on the first try 

And when it was time to go shopping I would always pick out something that just didn’t go

And my mother would remind me of this constantly and even today want to change me up just to her liking 

Someone always wants to make an adjustment here or a tweak there to be more of what they like 

But the thing is that I don’t belong to them

I belong to me 

I belong to the happy girl inside that has learned to enjoy being the odd one out 

I have learned that my weirdness is mine only and can’t be taken away 

Does it make me shine like the glitter on the black paper?

Maybe or maybe not….

I know longer care if someone else sees the shine anymore 

I have learned that the sparkle is mine to love and appreciate 

Like the kinks in may hair that may be more coiled on one side than the other 

It’s part of what makes me great 

And the not belonging anywhere 

Well that’s no longer a cross to carry all sad like the men reenacting the stations of the cross

Now it’s what makes me strong to know that I don’t belong anywhere and that’s ok 

To know that I must be the happy home for my being 

Because I belong to me 

I belong to my happiness and my sadness all the same 

Because I don’t have to translate the language of my soul to myself 

I simply close my eyes and open my heart to feel 

Because all these differences, they belong to me so that I can just be… 

Bionica 

Him

She felt him 

It had been a really long time since she last did 

But it happened again 

She couldn’t deny it 

She was certain it was him 

But what did he want to say?

She wasn’t exactly sure

Or maybe she was and she just didn’t know what to make of it 

See, they had separated a few years back 

Without a touch, a call or a greeting 

Then all of a sudden

Like a ray emerging from the clouds 

She felt him 

The connection had always been there 

And this time it resurfaced 

She felt him calling out to her 

Letting her know that he was there 

But he wasn’t alone 

He was with someone else

What did he want to say?

Why did he need to say it?

Could it be that he wanted to make sure that she never forgot him?

Could it be that he needed to be sure that she would be there?

Perhaps…She just wasn’t sure 

It was a lot to think about 

But think she did 

About him 

About her 

About them 

About what could be

About what wasn’t… 

All because she felt him once again…

Bionica

To Know–

So I found out today that he’s a serial leaver or maybe a serial ignorer 

That doesn’t even make sense, I know 

But it was confirmed that he is what may be a one date of guy 

After that it’s sayonara and forgotten 

I wonder why? 

See what bother’s me is the falta de educación as my Abuela would say when someone lacks manners 

It really isn’t hard to simply say ‘hmm… I don’t see this happening again or this was nice but I’m not interested…’ 

Just a word out of decency really 

I would love to ask why he reacts in such a way 

Brave? Perhaps or just curious

See I know I’m weird but this is even weirder

Made me wonder what is wrong with this person and why such a lack of proper communication 

I’m not trying to fix anyone because I’m not a therapist but I would like to understand the why of certain things 

Especially when the conversation was soo good 

It was so refreshing to talk with someone with so much to share via good conversation 

And then poof all gone with a trace and yet no reason 

I don’t even think I was weird on that ‘outing’ for lack of another word because I wouldn’t even consider it a romantic encounter 

But maybe he’s even more of an over thinker than I am 

Maybe… But what if he’s not and it’s just an I don’t really care pattern he has?

The world may never know… 

Bionica

But what about–the Love

 Star crossed lovers that just had to be together and could bear it not to live their life apart

That’s what it came down to for Romeo & Juliet as for Pyramus & Thisbe 

A love so strong that in a way stood for no one including themselves because without the other there was no will to live 

And so these stories are sad

But what about that love of Odysseus & Penelope who turned everyone else down as they weren’t her beloved 

Does this mean that she was a living martyr throughout the absence of Odysseus?

What does it mean?

People romanticize love stories all the time adding extra this and that but what does it all mean?

What do people really want?

What do people really think?

Personally, I think it rather lovely and dare I say it tragic at the same time when you find your love and yet let space come between the two for what ever the reason may be 

It doesn’t really make sense 

If the two have such love for each other, why not stay together?

But then other things come into play like Society? Fear? Bewilderment? And whatever other ingredients 

So does this mean that those lovers that separate are less passionate?

Au contraire for I think that many hearts keep such love deep within the chambers 

Letting out only a bit of the story for oxygen 

Such lovers somehow connect telepathically and communicate via looks that only the two can understand 

It is so as when the two share touching moments when holding hands reveals what words dare not say as some eyes may look away 

I wonder how many people have really lived this

Encountered such intensity that when it happened they knew not what to do with it 

For such moments are rarely spoken of and seen as rather rushed and foolish 

But they do say more often than not that it is the fools who rush in 

And yet is it really a rush to this love?

Or is it a coming together of two souls that somehow are pulled towards each other, time and time again like a magnet with an inexplicable force that can best be felt?

Such love that when the two come together it’s a breath of relief to be there once again 

To love and feel and feel some more 

And so I still wonder…

Bionica

What You Already Know

 It happened quite some time ago, but there are moments that stay in our minds forever 

See it’s a cultural thing that is some how normal among my Dominican people

To visit psychics and have your cards read is a thing of camaraderie almost 

And so I remember going with my mom 

The first thing I was told was to refrain from letting the brujo know that we lived in the states 

The man is supposed to be a good Cuban burro-how does he not know where we live?

I wondered this and as I write it today, I can’t help but laugh–because it’s funny

So there I am in what seems to be a small container with only one room and although it was the early 2000s the man had a this old phone with the curly telephone wire that on top of that seemed so heavy it would make an excellent paper weight 

Suddenly the phone rang and he says ‘excuse me’  but I’m not supposed to know any English, dique…

The man lays out the cards and tells me yo veo un viaje- I see a trip in your near future

Um, well yes we were about to go home soon, probably that very week…

Something that I already knew and then apparently he did too 

Which has prompted me to wonder what the whole point was of paying someone to tell me things that I already knew 

What kind of game is that? Not a good one because I don’t really see the benefit of giving someone else money for what we will now both know

It’s a little annoying and tedious as a I think about it 

But for some people it’s the best thing ever 

To have someone relay things that you never thought anyone else knew 

Could it be that the brujo is a more accepted version of a therapist 

To pay someone to tell you things that may or may not be true while you listen intently and aghast because they tell you so much 

Kind of sounds like it, at least a little 

Oh and there was a doozy! 

The man tells me no vas a tener mucha suerte en el amor –you won’t be very lucky in love 

Well what is luck is exactly? Because although some people may consider it unlucky to be single, someone in a bad relationship may consider it the best luck ever 

This all comes down to your view on the situation and life 

It’s that seeing the glass half empty or half full mentality 

But to my mother this was not good 

She tried to say it wasn’t true because now she was psychic too and decided that she knew more than the handsome Cuban man she just paid to tell her some truths 

But you know what would be the even more difficult pill to swallow for her?

The fact that one day I would grow to not care about my relationship status because it meant that being in one is not a priority to me 

That is the biggest shock to her 

Because although romantic relationships may hold importance to her, it can be rather challenging to understand that they aren’t for her daughter 

It was the affirmation of what she already knew 

That her daughter’s alien thoughts would never be fully comprehended by her 

That her daughter’s radical way of thinking would just be too strange for her 

That her daughter could very well belong to someone else because she would never understand her 

And to the daughter 

Well she just took it all in stride 

Knowing well that somethings just weren’t meant to be understood… 

Bionica