Not the Boyfriend

If you ask her if she has a boyfriend it’s very likely that she may say no 

Because he isn’t her boyfriend 

He is her lover 

A man that she loves in more ways than one

But who?

Who is that man with whom she shares her dreams?

To whom she speaks of her love for the moon and the sun?

Who is this man that knows of the spells she casts and the chains she’s broken?

Who is it that makes her smile at the sound of his voice?

Who is the man at which her body simply succumbs to with a simple kiss?

Ask her of the man that adds color to her world 

The man that is her prince as he has made her his princess 

Just the two of them in their castle 

Ask of the man that fills the cup of her pleasure 

The man that enjoys seeing her next to him when he wakes up with her hair a mess as half of her body is covered by the blanket 

Who is this man that dreamed her up and brought her into his life 

The man that prays for her every morning and every night thanking G-d for the love that came into his life

Who is this man?

The man that makes her dream…

Bionica 

The Creative

In the opening scenes of 101 & One Dalmations 

She clearly remembers a man burning music sheets 

He was burning the music sheets because he needed to stay warm 

He was an artist 

A starving artist at that 

A man dedicated to his craft so much that he forgot about all else

Simply focusing on what set his soul on fire

That man was a romantic 

Creatives are romantics 

Because as one dedicates their time and energy to their craft 

The realities of life swirl by coming out in the final product 

But the final product is seen as beautiful 

The brush strokes of pain and hurt become a masterpiece 

Romantics 

If you ask me are hurt many times

Life happens and the emotions are escalated so many times

It’s not just happiness but extreme bliss

It isn’t just hurt but excruciating pain 

No in-between 

And many times 

The moments of hurt last much longer than the happy ones

Because in search for happiness there are bouts of rejection that seem to tear at the soul 

But in dedication to the craft of art 

A creative keeps going 

Wiping tears on a canvas that is yet to be completed 

Standing back to see the work that holds a whole story 

But to the viewer, the story isn’t always seen or felt 

Because the focus is on the beauty of the outcome 

The hurt lingers for a little bit 

But it goes away 

It gets taken away but the oohs and ahs of the onlookers changing the landscape 

The flow of energy 

Because it’s strong 

The vibes are strong 

When first seeing the work some may feel it 

The very thing that caused the heart of the artist to pump so quickly in heaving sobs

But after some time 

It is simply a topic of conversation 

Like Van Gogh 

Upon looking at his work we know his story of torment 

But it is no longer felt 

Just another explanation for his actions such as when he physically hurt himself and did a self portrait 

All for love 

The romantic creative

Full of hurt from life and a joie to vivre at the same time 

The artist 

The expresser of both love & pain 

Bionica

 

Dream a little...

She had been there for more than a year 

And there had been a change 

A change that became stagnant over time like water in a closed bottle 

Out in the sun 

It didn’t didn’t drain, it just stayed there 

Getting hot and maybe cold and then hot again 

Becoming unhealthy 

You see

Things got hard 

She didn’t think they would ever get so hard 

But they did

She felt herself get lost and almost ice over 

As if her soul was fading away the way the night does right before dawn 

She never thought it was possible 

To lose herself the way she almost did so many times before 

But this time the labyrinth was just too deep 

And she forgot to even look for the door 

She forgot that there was a door 

Or at least a way out 

That’s what it felt like working there

As if everything was just lost 

And knowing this 

Her hope faded and she stopped dreaming 

She stopped feeling 

She felt herself go numb, becoming an empty shell 

Like a person that just lets themselves get taken over by the water 

No longer reaching out for air 

She started to fall 

Not at all like the person that first pulled open the door ready for her first day of work 

The brightness she once had was gone 

The place was dimming her light and she knew it 

She wasn’t physically the same 

Each day was monotonous because she lost her hope for a better day 

For a better tomorrow 

She knew things weren’t going to change 

The false hope she was given became a bitter reality of the truth 

That nothing was going to change

She couldn’t keep going 

She was tired of just being 

So she decided to create her own space and turn away 

It could have been hard or it could have been easy 

She had no idea and no longer cared

She just wanted to leave 

She didn’t have a plan 

She didn’t know where to go next 

What to do 

Or where to even start 

But she didn’t care 

She knew she just couldn’t stay there 

So she walked away 

And the hope started to come back 

Because she had something to look forward to 

Like not having to go back to the toxic job that felt like cyanide slowly taking her strength 

The color was coming back to her 

Filling her soul with the rainbow that appears after the rainstorm 

And she could feel her soul smile when the corners of her lips turned up exposing her pearly whites

It had to happen 

A decision to choose herself 

And it wasn’t always understood 

Some might say that she wasn’t in the right mind set letting a job make her feel the way it did 

But some people probably never felt as if their soul was fading everyday as they dragged their body to work 

Perhaps because they don’t know about self care 

Perhaps because they expect others to do the same and just be there 

It wasn’t healthy 

At least not for her 

She knew it 

But she wasn’t sure if anyone else did

So she became her own cheerleader 

Working over time to remind herself that it was ok to let go 

How else could she accept the possibility of all that was to come 

Good things too

Bionica

Life, motions & emotions

The other day 

A friend mentioned how without any emotions regardless if they’re happy or sad 

With out the love or the fights 

Life is just bland 

And it is 

It can be simple and monotone 

Because emotions add color 

Sometimes too much color that brings forth a sensory overload 

But that’s what life is, the ups & downs 

If there aren’t any lows you might not appreciate the highs 

But boy is it hard 

It can be exhausting sometimes 

Yet when there is nothing 

We truly do wish for something… 

Bionica 

El otro dia 

Un amigo hizo un comentario sobre la vida 

Que sin el enredo de los momentos tristes, felices, peleas & amor 

No hay vida 

Mas que la sencillez de la monotonía 

Porque las emociones le dan color a la vida 

Puede que aveces sea demasiada la estimulación de tantas emociones 

Pero así es la vida, un sube y baja 

En el que sin los momentos malos no se pueden agradecer los momentos buenos 

Uy pero como es difícil aveces 

Llega a ser algo que te deja exhaust@

Pero cuando no hay nada 

En realidad desearías que hubiera algo…

Bionica 

Momentos

 There were times where she would look at him 

In a search for meaning 

Scanning his face hoping to find an indication 

That it was ok to have feelings for him 

She would try to look deep as if searching for a specific word in a crossword puzzle 

But she couldn’t see anything 

Just him 

His thinking eyes 

His silent mouth 

Just him 

But it wasn’t something to search for 

It was different 

When they held hands 

She wouldn’t want to let go 

When he drew her close, her body simply fell into his 

When she held him, she just wanted to keep him safe 

They gravitated towards one another

When they hugged she let go of everything else 

Holding on to that moment 

Closing her eyes to the world and opening up to what they had 

Because it wasn’t anything that she could see

Because it was all that she could feel 

There was a sense of safety in their embraces 

That made her want to stay for always 

Eyes closed, arms snaked around each other 

Just two souls coming together on earth 

And that’s how she knew 

That all which she couldn’t see 

Was simply everything that she could feel 

And so she stayed…

Bionica

Habían momentos en los que ella lo miraba 

Buscando respuestas en su mirada 

A ver si encontraba alguna señal o indicación de que si podía sentir algo por él 

Lo miraba tan fuerte como si estuviera buscando una palabra en un crucigrama

Pero no podía ver nada

Tan solo lo veía a él 

Sus ojos pensativos 

Su boca callada 

Tan solo lo veía a él 

Pero no era nada para buscar 

Era diferente 

Cuando se tomaban de las manos 

Ella no lo quería soltar 

Cuando él se acercaba, su cuerpo se inclinaba al de él 

Cuando ella lo tomaba en sus brazos tan solo quería que él estuviera bien

Cuidarlo de todo 

Al abrazarlo ella se olvidaba de todo lo demás 

Enfocando se en ese preciso momento 

Cerrando los ojos en el mundo para abrirle el paso a lo de ellos 

Pero es que no era algo para ver 

Pero todo lo que ella podía sentir 

Sus abrazos le brindaban confianza 

Tanto así que ella se quería quedar para siempre 

Con los ojos cerrado y perdidos en un abrazo 

Sencillamente dos almas juntándose en la tierra 

Y ahí fue donde ella entendió 

Que todo eso que buscaba 

Simplemente era todo eso que se podía sentir 

Entonces ahi se quedó… 

Bionica 

Y se acabó...

Llegó el día en el que se cansó de las pendejadas 

De querer alguien al que le importara 3 carajos 

Alguien que claramente le pesaba preguntar ‘¿cómo estás?’

Tan horrible le parecía preguntarle a la persona que supuestamente quería ‘¿cómo te sientes?’

Una persona con quien siempre ha podido contar

Por lo menos él con ella

Pero él nunca la tuvo en cuenta 

No mas para utilizar y aprovecharse de su bondad 

Porque sabía que no le podía decir que no 

Y por mas miel que él le echara esos ‘te quiero’ no tenían sabor por que eran falsos 

El querer no hace daño a terceros y si aun se piensa que es querer hiriendo a otro, entonces es penoso que no sepa lo que en realidad es querer 

Pero tenía que pasar 

¿De qué le sirvió?

De inspiración para esas cartas que no llegarían a sus manos 

Escritas a un fantasma que llegó a su vida para luego irse por su cuenta 

Y así toca la vida 

Vivencias que nos enseñan algo que tal vez se entienda luego 

Mientras pasa sencillamente se sienten emociones fuertes 

Pero después decimos ‘eso, me hizo mas fuerte’

Entonces aquí vamos a ser versátiles y fuertes para poder enfrentar todo sin quebrarnos 

Bionica 

Ahora

Respiro 

Profundo 

Y me pregunto 

Si creamos nuestra propia realidad 

Será que nuestro pasado también?

O la historia de lo que vivimos antes?

Por ejemplo, ¿qué tal si en otra vida nos conocimos? 

Qué tal si en nuestra vida pasada 

Nos hicimos una promesa 

Yo mirándote a los ojos te dije ‘Mi amor, seré siempre tuya, en esta vida y en la próxima. Siempre, te esperaré y nos volveremos a encontrar. En cada vida, volveremos para escribir la historia más linda de nuestro amor.’

Y tu sonriente me aciertas, me dices que si con un beso suave en los labios

Pero queriendo creer que si es verdad 

Que te esperaré y siempre nos volveremos a encontrar 

Luego llegamos al presente 

Aquí estamos 

Tu y yo frente a frente 

Sin saber que hacer 

Sin saber que decir 

Nos miramos sin decir nada 

Nos acercamos buscando algo conocido 

Pero de eso que vivimos 

No tenemos memoria 

Por lo menos por ahora 

Pero cuando nos acercamos 

Nuestros cuerpos se quieren 

Se quieren juntar

Se quieren sentir 

Se quieren tocar 

Y cuando pasa 

Todo calma 

Es algo extraño porque hace tiempo que se andaban buscando 

Y al volverse a encontrar, hay una tranquilidad única en nuestro ser

Porque nuestras células tienen consciencia de lo que nos dijimos hace mucho tiempo 

Se estaban esperando 

Tu y yo pensando que todo era de ahora

Pero resulta que hace tiempo quedamos en esto 

Que mis amores del presente no llegaron a nada porque aunque no me acordara 

Mi alma sabía que te iba encontrar 

Que aunque no te parezca, hay ciertas cosas destinadas a ser 

Como la felicidad en el amor 

Como el amor sano entre pareja 

Algo así como lo de tu y yo…

-Bionica

 

When

Thinking back she couldn’t remember the first time she saw him 

As much as she tried, it wasn’t something she could place 

She did remember the peach blocked hoodie he wore in place of an actual coat 

A little big for a man of his stature is what she thought as it enveloped him in warmth as the cold winter air danced outside 

He would wink at her and she made nothing of it 

He would attempt to flirt with her and she would ignore it

He was as persistent as her ‘no’s’ 

He seriously asked if he could take her out

To which she giggled at the surprised reaction to those around him 

It wasn’t expected 

And still she didn’t answer 

He went on to hold her against his body 

Tight to his chest he asked someone what they thought of them together

He wanted affirmation of how nice he found them to be

But his question was returned with a blank expression 

One that didn’t care to answer the question 

And she laughed, not because of the question, but because of the stare 

Did he notice anything different?

Was he in a bubble while he held her?

Did he avoid the thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have asked?

She didn’t know and didn’t ask 

She simply noticed the reactions to his questions when it came to her 

But she didn’t think about him 

She didn’t know why he asked others and not her 

She didn’t understand anything that he may have felt when he saw her

But she still tried to avoid him until one day she didn’t 

She tried but that day he won 

It was just the two of them and he was close to her 

So close that she could feel his chest rise with each breath 

She looked at him and he looked at her lips 

He leaned in and she didn’t resist 

As his lips enclosed over her’s they both pulled away 

A reflex she didn’t expect from either one 

It happened though 

Marking something between the two that would stay forever 

Because it was a beginning… 

-Bionica

Al hacer

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te entregaría algo de mi 

Mi alma

No entera, no completa pero un pedacito de ella 

Te entregaría mi corazón 

No entero, no completo pero unos latidos y mi amor 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Estaria desnuda frente a ti 

Vieras mi cuerpo tal y como es 

Lo que amo y lo que aveces quisiera amar mas 

Pero también desnudaría mi alma frente a ti 

Estaría tan vulnerable 

Pero no sentiría miedo 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Intercambiaría mi energía con la tuya 

Te daría mis estrellas, mi luna y mi sol 

No todo, no por completo pero algo 

Y a cambio aceptaría tus estrellas, tu luna y tu sol 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te miraré a los ojos y con ellos decirte cosas dulces 

Te abrazaré junto a mi cuerpo y sentiré tu corazón junto al mío 

Al hacer el amor contigo te daría algo muy puro de mí 

Algo que nadie mas ha visto 

Algo que nadie mas ha sentido 

Guardado tan solo para tí 

Y por eso, hoy te lo escribí 

-Bionica 

Dear Dominican Men

 This is my letter to the Dominican men that know nothing about hair and perhaps colorism 

As a kid I remember praying to wake up one day and be completely different 

With out a curl to my hair and a name like Melissa 

I wanted to be just like everyone else and tried so hard 

I wanted to fit in and be accepted

So I would fawn over the Pantene commercials that showed women with long, silky straight hair that fanned out as they shook their head

I wanted to be a chica Mirta 

Because if you ran your fingers through their hair there wouldn’t be a snag

I felt so free with my hair loose in a big pajón when my mom would let me

It was as if no one could catch me and I could finally be free 

But then I would get excited for the Just For Me hair relaxer that would leave me tender headed with chemical burns all over my scalp

Because ‘el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones’ (she who wants nice hair has to endure the pain)

I didn’t like it when my mom braided my hair

I just wanted it to be straight and loose

So when the time came I made sure to be at the salon religiously every two weeks

I would let the women pull my hair and fry my scalp and brush it after so that I could be a real Chica Mirta (whatever that means)

I worked so hard to have best hair in high school but it didn’t happen and somehow I wasn’t disappointed 

Once my mom added a track (extensions) to my forever shoulder length hair 

I got so many compliments with it

I could let believe it

I was feeling myself 

But then something happened

I went to the water park shortly after getting my hair relaxed

When my hair got wet someone asked ‘quién se desrizó?’ (who relaxed their hair?) 

I wanted to die

See when you wash your hair after relaxing it

It smells like sulfur, an egg salad you don’t want to eat 

So after that I wasn’t feeling like too much of a treat

That same year I was uptown with my friend

In desperate need of a touch up

My roots were kinky and the rest straight

I walked by a Dominican man that said ‘la que ta peiná’ (the one with her hair done)

How sweet of him to gently hurt my ego 

That was the last time I straightened my hair 

I went to Spain nervous that I wouldn’t be able to last the 5 weeks with my hair looking nice

It lasted for a bit 

I found a fellow black girl to do my hair 

It wasn’t the same 

I held it back with colored scarves to cover my shame

Then my straight and wavy haired friends encouraged me to leave my hair as it was 

And I did

They didn’t laugh 

They didn’t say I should do this or that 

They simply accepted me and liked me as I was 

But I kept on straightening my hair

The ladies at the salon hated me because I put them to work 

One told me that she had to take a ‘calmante’ (pain killer) after blow drying my hair—ouch 

Sometimes I would be asked if I was a church girl because apparently if we have a love for G-d we no longer care for our hair 

The comments at the salon weren’t usually encouraging

It was constantly about trying to change me 

So I stopped going

And boy was it hard

Years later I’m still trying to navigate what’s best for my hair

I’m always looking for a better way to keep these curls hydrated 

One day may be amazing and another may be screaming out for moisture 

Deep instense moisture and love

I’m working on it

Sometimes I braid my hair because it is a protective style 

My hair feels more cared for when I braid it

When I don’t braid it and let it air dry some might think that my hair hates me

Tightening up so much as not to let the finest comb in

But I think my hair is really protecting me so as not to let anything but love in 

But Dominican men don’t see this or understand this 

They don’t know the struggles on our head to make sure these locks feel right 

They think it’s abandonment and carelessness of the self 

When in reality it comes down to embracing the beauty of being black 

With curls in my hair that I shouldn’t hide

Because when I try to

I just doesn’t come out right 

So now I just let it be

But not everyone will see 

Just how happy it makes me

-Bionica 

¿Cómo decirte?

Como decirte, que me gustan tus canas 

Decirte que me gustaría pasar mis dedos por tu pelo plateado y dejártelo desarreglado luego de haberte besado 

Como decirte que me gusta la manera que tus brazos me acercan a tu cuerpo tanto que sientes mis suspiros como si fueran tuyos 

Como decirte que me encanta la manera en que tu barba roza mi mejilla cuando te acercas y me das un beso 

Como decirte que me gusta que sabes exactamente lo que quieres 

El hecho de que seas un hombre decidido me atrae 

Y la manera en en que tus labios saben exactamente como besarme al acercarse con delicadeza y decirme que me deseas 

Me llena de alegría ver como tus ojos brillan al hablar con tus hijos 

Me gusta escucharte hablar con ellos porque la felicidad que emites es contagiosa 

Pero lo que pasa es que no quiero que me gusten esas cosas de ti porque me da miedo 

Me da miedo que me gustes demasiado y luego saber que no eres mío 

Me da miedo que me gusta la manera en que me miras 

Y me da miedo saber que quieres besarme cuando yo quiero sentirte 

-Bionica

Amor

I think that as human beings we are designed to love
This is why many of us probably seek out relationships
We are hoping to feel that wave of warmth that escalates when with someone–a really good someone

But not everyone is right for us or even for themselves at a given moment

And so when this happens there is a domino like effect of what maybe brief pleasure followed by ongoing sadness, upset and what have you

And sometimes anger...

We become angry that someone isn’t the person we want them to be and vive versa

So it’s like we’re stuck in this loop of dislike and we don’t know why

But I think it’s because many times we lack the patience and self discipline to wait for what’s right

In a world where everything is instant, the waiting game isn’t a favorite of many

But at times, when played well, the results make us forget the time spent

At least that’s what some people say

Oh, and it doesn’t have to be romantic eros love either

Sometimes we don’t even get any parental love 

And so we search for kindness in others but don’t always find it 

And when we do, we may want to simply hold on to it for always & evermore 

It happens because we have an innate need to give love and receive it

I just don’t understand what happens to make us forget about love

After all, everything comes back to love

The way we act, the things we lack and try to make up for—it’s all because of love or the absence of such 

Crazy how something we can’t exactly see, is what we are constantly searching for

Grasping on to slivers of faith with hopes that we will find it. 

-Bionica

Aparte

It wasn’t a break-up because they weren’t together 

It was more of a hook-up 

Two people coming together perhaps precisely for that reason 

To make each other reach a peak that they hadn’t before or at least not in a while 

Nonetheless, the break-up of the hook-up was sudden although expected 

Sudden because there were no words communicated to indicate that a sudden halt was coming 

An abrupt stop that would make the tea sets on any moving train rattle if they didn’t shatter upon reaching the floor

Their floor? Hunter green sheets of a polyester blend most likely

Smelling of a laundry detergent I couldn’t decipher with a softness that went unnoticed during the course of events 

Where everything just ended there 

Upon a plush mattress simply holding two people together 

Maybe having them sink within before coming together to move apart once again 

The results on the symbolic floor of a mattress were not what either expected but perhaps more than they thought 

That sometimes two people are just best apart while forming part of something greater in life 

Coming together to point out small things that only they can see so that later on they could show it to the rest of world 

Making the lens of the kaleidoscope different and all the more interesting 

Just because…  

-Bionica

Palabras No Dichas

 No te voy a decir que cada vez que tomo pienso en ti o que me emborracho en tu nombre 

No te lo voy decir porque no hace falta 

No te lo voy a decir porque hay muchas cosas que tu aun no me has dicho aunque falten por decir 

Pero hablando sola me pregunto ¿porqué no has hablado conmigo?

¿Porqué no me has buscado cuando tuviste el tiempo? 

¿Porqué le sigo dando vueltas a lo de nosotros en mi cabeza? 

Yo pensando que estaba mal

Yo pensando que hice algo malo y que tal vez por eso te fuiste 

Pero la verdad es que no fue algo mío pero tal vez algo tuyo y de los dos 

Tal vez tu fallo fue no hablar y contarme lo que pensabas y lo que sentías 

Tal vez tu fallo fue el no ser honesto contigo y conmigo 

Si hubiéramos hablado mas otra cosa sería pero ¿y ahora qué? 

¿Qué nos toca?

Ahora ¿qué hacemos?

¿Ahora qué hago con esos mensajes que me no me has mandado con el teléfono en la mano y el whisky en la mesa, con los ojos cerrados pensando en nosotros? 

¿Ahora qué hago cuando escuche ‘Volverte A Ver’ y no pueda tocar otra canción?

No te lo voy a decir porque tal vez ni tu mismo sepas 

Lo que vas sentir y aun no contarme… 

Bionica 

Learning

For a birthday in her 20s a friend gave her a special card 

A card that read ‘keep following your heart and everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to’ which come to think about it, she may have forgotten to do 

The heart is the best GPS, but she seemed to have forgotten that along the way to this present day 

In the card her friend wished success and happiness and that her dreams would come true 

That was the year that she met them 

The loves that would mark her life forever 

First she met 1 shortly after asking G-d that the man that was to come into her life would see her looking ok, because if he liked her with her hair a mess, then he would like her for real 

She also asked for someone that was her age and as G-d would have it, 1 came into her life 

It was a surprise to her, one that she welcomed although unsure of what to do and what to say 

She felt shy all of a sudden and couldn’t get the words out to say much to him, but at the same time she wished that 1 would be initiate the conversation 

Instead what went on between the two was a silent exchange of energy in which words were not needed

It was all in the way they looked at each other and the comfort that they felt 

For the first time ever, she felt like staying and she couldn’t believe it 

How was it that this was finally happening to her 

Moments of sweetness in which the two were together, holding one another cheek to cheek

But she was overthinking and at the moment in which he was going to turn his face to kiss her she moved 

She thought about the people around them and not about the moment being lived 

Perhaps within their language without words it was lost that she had romanticized a relationship and how things should really happen 

Perhaps if she would have told him he would have listened and would have done things differently 

But she didn’t and maybe he got tired of trying 

But she always kept on waiting 

As she waited she met 2 who really felt for her but caught up in 1 she didn’t know what to do 

Still she gave it a try without really giving all that she could 

Thinking of 1 she lost out on 2 but she learned that both would have a hold on her ever flowing love 

She learned that with 1 she needed more confidence in the person she was, is and would become 

With 2 she learned to take the present moment for what it is and live it 

From both she learned that love is beautiful and best when shared 

She has learned to be in the moment, give the best of herself even if the other is not prepared 

Because in her best is where the truth of her love stands 

Beginning with the self and flowing to the rest 

-Bionica

10:56pm