To Belong

 I always tried so hard to belong 

To belong to the cool group of kids in kindergarten and be accepted by the Dominican girl with the Greek name like Oedipus’ mom slash wife 

But there was never anyone like me through out any of my school years 

There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt that I could identify with 

Not a single place where I felt that I belonged 

Not with my mother, father, brother or family 

My different tastes have always stood out like golden glitter on black paper 

But as a kid I didn’t see the sparkle

All I saw was something scratchy that would make an indent on my fingers if I pressed too hard 

I pressed really hard when I would get my hair straightened but my hair pressed harder when the Just for Me would grow out and it was time to do the roots again 

Aside from making every effort possible to change my hair, I also wanted to change my ethnicity and remember praying that my skin would be white 

That my name would be Melissa or Cindy, something that would be said correctly on the first try 

And when it was time to go shopping I would always pick out something that just didn’t go

And my mother would remind me of this constantly and even today want to change me up just to her liking 

Someone always wants to make an adjustment here or a tweak there to be more of what they like 

But the thing is that I don’t belong to them

I belong to me 

I belong to the happy girl inside that has learned to enjoy being the odd one out 

I have learned that my weirdness is mine only and can’t be taken away 

Does it make me shine like the glitter on the black paper?

Maybe or maybe not….

I know longer care if someone else sees the shine anymore 

I have learned that the sparkle is mine to love and appreciate 

Like the kinks in may hair that may be more coiled on one side than the other 

It’s part of what makes me great 

And the not belonging anywhere 

Well that’s no longer a cross to carry all sad like the men reenacting the stations of the cross

Now it’s what makes me strong to know that I don’t belong anywhere and that’s ok 

To know that I must be the happy home for my being 

Because I belong to me 

I belong to my happiness and my sadness all the same 

Because I don’t have to translate the language of my soul to myself 

I simply close my eyes and open my heart to feel 

Because all these differences, they belong to me so that I can just be… 

Bionica 

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica