Dream a little...

She had been there for more than a year 

And there had been a change 

A change that became stagnant over time like water in a closed bottle 

Out in the sun 

It didn’t didn’t drain, it just stayed there 

Getting hot and maybe cold and then hot again 

Becoming unhealthy 

You see

Things got hard 

She didn’t think they would ever get so hard 

But they did

She felt herself get lost and almost ice over 

As if her soul was fading away the way the night does right before dawn 

She never thought it was possible 

To lose herself the way she almost did so many times before 

But this time the labyrinth was just too deep 

And she forgot to even look for the door 

She forgot that there was a door 

Or at least a way out 

That’s what it felt like working there

As if everything was just lost 

And knowing this 

Her hope faded and she stopped dreaming 

She stopped feeling 

She felt herself go numb, becoming an empty shell 

Like a person that just lets themselves get taken over by the water 

No longer reaching out for air 

She started to fall 

Not at all like the person that first pulled open the door ready for her first day of work 

The brightness she once had was gone 

The place was dimming her light and she knew it 

She wasn’t physically the same 

Each day was monotonous because she lost her hope for a better day 

For a better tomorrow 

She knew things weren’t going to change 

The false hope she was given became a bitter reality of the truth 

That nothing was going to change

She couldn’t keep going 

She was tired of just being 

So she decided to create her own space and turn away 

It could have been hard or it could have been easy 

She had no idea and no longer cared

She just wanted to leave 

She didn’t have a plan 

She didn’t know where to go next 

What to do 

Or where to even start 

But she didn’t care 

She knew she just couldn’t stay there 

So she walked away 

And the hope started to come back 

Because she had something to look forward to 

Like not having to go back to the toxic job that felt like cyanide slowly taking her strength 

The color was coming back to her 

Filling her soul with the rainbow that appears after the rainstorm 

And she could feel her soul smile when the corners of her lips turned up exposing her pearly whites

It had to happen 

A decision to choose herself 

And it wasn’t always understood 

Some might say that she wasn’t in the right mind set letting a job make her feel the way it did 

But some people probably never felt as if their soul was fading everyday as they dragged their body to work 

Perhaps because they don’t know about self care 

Perhaps because they expect others to do the same and just be there 

It wasn’t healthy 

At least not for her 

She knew it 

But she wasn’t sure if anyone else did

So she became her own cheerleader 

Working over time to remind herself that it was ok to let go 

How else could she accept the possibility of all that was to come 

Good things too

Bionica

To Learn

They say that every situation is meant to teach us something 

And so she began to wonder what it was that she was meant to learn 

From the person that made a constant effort to bring her down 

Her therapist told her it was domestic abuse–clearly

Yet she never saw it like so until someone else pointed it out 

And when she saw it for what it was her eyes opened to so many things 

One of them being the fact that just because something has been a generational pattern, it doesn’t mean that it’s right 

It doesn’t mean that she has to stay there and take the punches waiting to get hurt 

It also made her realize that she might be the only one seeing things for what they were 

That saying about standing for what you believe in even if it means standing alone 

It hit her hard like a baseball hits a fan in looking down at their phone knocking it out of their hand during a game, shocking them at the same time 

The main reason for this is because she really thought that others would see the abuse she was being put through 

Instead it was accredited to circumstances that came with a million and one excuses 

But that still didn’t make it right because putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches will do very little to make it better 

She was just seen as the odd one

The one that was making things difficult for her abuser 

And so she realized then that the black sheep in the family is a thing 

A real thing that occurs perhaps when someone brings something to light that others prefer to keep in the shadows 

But not her, she’s all about the light and making sure that the sun’s rays reach every nook and cranny 

That’s when the words of her therapist came in really loud like a gong at a temple early in the morning 

‘What are you going to do? Are you going to stay or are you going to leave?’

A difficult situation because she understood that if she left, it was very likely that she would leave everyone else behind 

Because at this point in time she stood alone and although she wasn’t lonely she was hurt that no one else was able to see what she saw 

She was hurt that so many were in agreement with her oppressor 

But maybe that’s what she was meant to learn 

That some people will hurt you and not care that they do 

That some people will never look inside and see why they do what they do 

That some people will constantly sweep things under the rug and walk over it like a mountain just the way Bart did once on the Simpsons 

Because for some it’s just easier to not see 

And as this happens, she knows that it’s her turn to go 

To be black sheep that’s happy to wander the meadow with peace of mind 

Not worrying about the ones she left behind.. 

Bionica

Non Date

I don’t know if it was a date

Because, what dictates if something is a date?

Why can’t it just be called an outing with a friend 

Perhaps during the first outing we just flirt and hope to say sweet nothings 

But no, not on the first rendezvous 

Something must be left for the next time…

And so on this first not date we sat down and talked 

About so many things I was surprised and pleasantly taken aback 

It was the first time in a long time that the conversation was so good 

In the sense that it was clear 

We talked about life, religion and health 

No romance at all

And it was nice 

It was nice to simply talk without trying to flirt 

It was nice to have an intelligent conversation 

Without someone trying to lay a hand on my thigh 

And when we said goodbye 

There was no kiss on the lips 

It was simple and open 

An I hope to see you soon because this was nice 

Because this was fun

I liked it so much that if it doesn’t happen again 

I wouldn’t be able to despair 

Because for the first time in a long time, I’m not left wondering 

I’m not left out to think about the what if’s 

I simply think about what happened and how nice it was

Accepting the present and enjoying the moment 

And I have him to thank for that…

Bionica

Slave

A slave to my mother 

She carried me for months regardless if she was ready to or not 

And when I was ready, I made my way, not thinking of the pain she was feeling in the process 

Rather selfish now that I think of it, but it was all I knew 

Myself within her, breathing through her, communicating through her 

Everything through her 

It became her duty to teach me everything she wanted me to know 

It became her duty to mold me into the person she wanted to be 

But somewhere along, she lost her way 

She lost sight of what was best 

She lost sight of what was needed 

Having knowledge of what she did, she made a conscious effort to set it all aside 

Things were going to change 

Things were going to be different 

She would not be like the others 

And neither would I 

She constantly made note that all she did was for me 

To become independent and stand on my own 

To make my way in the world without the need of her as my crutch 

But it was not so 

She was too hurtful, she caused too much pain 

All that she knew was falsely intertwined 

It was a love to pretend 

A love of the self and for the self 

But not of health 

The teachings meant to be good and full 

Were in reality frayed like the edges of fabric 

Stemming from the same place and opening up in a direction that leads nowhere 

If pulled it would for sure break down the home from which it came 

But to go out all alone would be suicide 

Throwing a snip of thread to get lost in nothingness 

Similar to what she taught me 

That I had to go go go but whenever I tried tried tried 

She would pull me back and tear some more telling asking if I saw what I was doing to her 

Breaking her down repeatedly with my bad behavior 

It had all become a tug of war 

One in which each tug in which ever direction was enough to throw everything in a frenzy 

As I learned more and more I realized that all of which she wanted, was not for me, but perhaps for her 

She was quite conscious of what made her feel 

Losing all notion of anyone else 

Losing sight of what was right and what may be intelligent 

Her grace was enough to teach you a little but not enough so that you would always have to go back 

But if you happened to ask, well then you would never know 

Why should she teach you? Why would she tell you anything?

At any given point in time you should know what she didn’t tell you 

At any given point in time, you would move forward and then have to pull back 15 steps 

Because you didn’t know where you were going 

It gave her glee to know she was pulling the strings and she would hold me back 

With confusing kindness to shield me away from all that would hurt 

To ensure that I would stay 

To ensure that I would lose sight of any necessary tool to go away 

To make sure that I knew nothing beyond what she taught me 

And only seek what she could show me

Just 2

There they were, 2 girls in a coffee shop 

Trying to figure out their lives while drinking a coffee and a hot chocolate 

With 2 half eaten muffins on plastic plates 

Could it be more cliché?

Maybe…

But they talked about everything and nothing at the same time 

Such as how sometimes it’s best to be alone 

If those around you aren’t on the same wavelength 

Well it just means you have to keep on swimming 

They also talked about vibrators and soap when she gifted her friend a 

Portable charger with an Ayurvedic soap 

It was small, pink and pretty 

So the inevitable hiccup giggles came out 

A little soap for the prés a V hahaha 

It was about the jokes that made light of those life experiences 

That could sometimes be too much to handle 

Like the fact that after so much time she still didn’t know where she stood 

She wasn’t sure where she was going 

She wasn’t as lost as she was freshman year of college in a brand new campus 

Because this time she knew what she didn’t want 

But she still had a long way to go to find her way 

The home situation wasn’t that great either 

Not because she was misunderstood, but because no one tried to understand 

To speak her language was an ineffable thought 

Why would anyone dare to make an effort to know something that didn’t involve them?

We only live in a world with billions of people 

To learn more about them to be able to communicate better?

Well now, who does that?

No one at home

No one at home cared to see beyond their 2 hands 

Beyond their world and their cloud 

And that was the problem 

She would never be able to go forward when those around her 

Would constantly work to pull her back…

It was time

To let go without turning back 

Bionica

Different

Growing up she always wanted to be different
Different from the person she was with curly hair, dark skin
and a name that most people just couldn't pronounce

She wanted to take on the identity of a fictional character
like those on tv where the girls had great hair and the nicest parents ever
the kind that had really good jobs
yet they found time to be home with their kids
and help them with their homework
they knew exactly what was going on and spoke perfect english

But that wasn't exactly so
She hailed from the 6th floor of an apartment in the projects
where you could hear Frankie Ruiz loud and clear
as a 'hot' car drove by with the best sound system ever

The neighborhood parents spoke broken english
and would work when they found something they liked
if not, they would make the welfare line to ensure they would have
their food stamps at the beginning of the month
and they would never miss the WIC appointments
that granted them milk and cereal

She wanted a name like Melissa with a friend named Stacy
she wanted to hang out at The Max and giggle when her crush looked her way
yet she was way too far from that

The friends she made a school could have formed a map of South America
most of their parents were first generation
working hard to give their kids a good education
the kind that would get them into a good university
where their kids would meet others who did have a name like
Melissa & Stacy
with parents just like those on tv
the kind that would speak perfect english
with mothers that wore pearls over a lavender cardigan
with an over the knee pencil skirt

But by then, she would have already grown to love
everything that made her different
the name that no one could pronounce
with the handle downs and discount clothes
while the girls that sat behind her in class wore Acne jeans 
with Calvin Klein tank tops and those jacquard handbags
ones that she had never seen before

By then the differences that she once hated
were the ones she loved the most
because they made her who she was
they added to her story
they made her proud of the colored threads that made her quilt

And she was proud to her own self
woven with different colors
the ones she finally came to understand
-Bionica

And the sun rises everyday

image

She's twenty something 

Late twenties really 

Just a little before thirty 

She's from New Jersey 

But she work's in NY 

You know, that city where dreams are made 

Or at least created 

It's like a place that holds a lot of dreams really 

That  dream of leaving everything behind 

And starting a new 

Of becoming your own self 

With out a care in the world

At least not caring what anyone else thinks anyway 

Well at twenty something 

It's kind of when you come to know 

A lot of things 

Like the fact that as everyone else is getting married

You're still single 

Yet it doesn't' bother you 

But your friends, they start to want to settle down 

They don't all want to be 'late–

for that very important date'

Ah yes, life 

That thing everyone is trying to rush 

While those that take it in stride 

Are simply called hippies

Peace-love and flower power

But why rush?

Why are you trying to become 

That adult that hates the job traveled to every day

That looks forward to the evening to forget with a  glass of wine

The person that gets into a relationship to conform–

To the pressures of society, 

Those that say you should already be married with a mortgage 

And 2.5 children–point five!

What's the point of that?

Isn't that what drives to the point of no return 

Where so many people refuse to look back and 

Just go deeper and deeper 

You know with the abuse that no one will confirm out loud

Drinking, zanax and valium here and there

Because no one wants to feel…

But really, what's so bad?

If you didn't want it

Why did you take it?

When did you lose yourself?

Is that what being an adult is really about?

Well no wonder Peter Pan never wanted to be one!

She'll just stay

Stay right where she is and keep studying 

Keep learning about what she likes 

And what's right for her

At twenty something,

She might be on to something 

The greatest moments of her life

Because she wants to feel 

She's up for the ups and downs that will come 

She's ready for them 

To learn from them and embrace from them 

Because she just refuses to be that person 

That will let everything bring her down 

She won't conform 

She's going to rebel 

Loud or silently, 

She's just going to do it

It's the only way she knows 

And maybe that's part of her magic

That fairy dust that she just can't let go of 

Dreams–because they are achievable 

Did she just say that?

Cliché right? 

Oh touché

-Bionica

On a Quest

image

At 27 plus one she stood in the category of still single and not even mingling.  

No boyfriend to date and she was ok with that. Used to the fact of perhaps an occasional date every couple of years–yes years! She wasn't looking forward to much. 

At least it's what she made others believe. It's as if in her stood the external shell of a woman subdued to the fact that all men are the same. None worth any time that isn't spent playing some odd game of I'm not going to call you today but in a few weeks so we can get together again and see what happens. She was tired of silly mind games 'he loves me, he doesn't love me oh but he just texted me'.

She came to terms with the fact that not everyone is meant to be in a relationship and that's ok. 

However her parents on the other hand would like to differ. The dad that she so loved mentioned how he would love to have grand children apparently overlooking the fact that he also has a son that can provide ;) Truth be told, her mom would like to clarify that her only daughter is not a closet lesbian on the verge of being jamona.

After x amount of failed un relationships she came to terms with the fact 'mejor estar sola que mal acompañada' No need to drag things out with someone whose hand you don't care to hold for more than a second to confirm that the satellite time on your cellphone is in sync with the wrist watch. She was over that text conversation with the person that would reply to a message an hour later to a simple 'what are you upto?' with 'aquí ya tu ve…' no mas-no more. 

To go forward and focus on not having to decipher a man with as much intensity as morse code. She was not trying to make out every little hint to find out the he needed more time or to learn that he didn't believe in time and would want to just throw out the word relationship and jump into pure physicality. No she has an actual brain under the frizzy untamed curls. A brain that she very much enjoyed using to explore new worlds in a book where the character's love story unfolds into a fit of unplanned perfection–toil yielding to a not so secret I love you and just want to kiss you. 

But this, this is all made up and fiction. But it's what she went for. Leaving the reality of life to live on vicariously through a persona in a novel whose unfolding story pulled her in all the more. 

Skipping all the madness and drama, reaching all the lovely dovey googley eyes and kisses–she would never settle. She refused to go with someone who wouldn't acknowledge her in entirety. Young ladies deserve to be loved and stared into deeply after week long conversations over the phone. Going on about the day and counting the hours 'till we meet again'. In love one should be as excited to see the bearer of your favorite chocolate confection ;-) as a child looking forward to the close of a school day to run up to their parents arms. You should look at that person and just want to melt so that you can encumber their whole self and take in that scent that you so love. You should be able to hold a silent conversation in which you tell each other everything with a mere glance and brush of hands. It's about a language unsaid but very much felt. 

The one about that quest that must continue tomorrow because as of now this princess must sleep. 

'Till next time my pretties' the conversation of love and what it may be…

-Bionica