Amor

I think that as human beings we are designed to love
This is why many of us probably seek out relationships
We are hoping to feel that wave of warmth that escalates when with someone–a really good someone

But not everyone is right for us or even for themselves at a given moment

And so when this happens there is a domino like effect of what maybe brief pleasure followed by ongoing sadness, upset and what have you

And sometimes anger...

We become angry that someone isn’t the person we want them to be and vive versa

So it’s like we’re stuck in this loop of dislike and we don’t know why

But I think it’s because many times we lack the patience and self discipline to wait for what’s right

In a world where everything is instant, the waiting game isn’t a favorite of many

But at times, when played well, the results make us forget the time spent

At least that’s what some people say

Oh, and it doesn’t have to be romantic eros love either

Sometimes we don’t even get any parental love 

And so we search for kindness in others but don’t always find it 

And when we do, we may want to simply hold on to it for always & evermore 

It happens because we have an innate need to give love and receive it

I just don’t understand what happens to make us forget about love

After all, everything comes back to love

The way we act, the things we lack and try to make up for—it’s all because of love or the absence of such 

Crazy how something we can’t exactly see, is what we are constantly searching for

Grasping on to slivers of faith with hopes that we will find it. 

-Bionica

To Know–

So I found out today that he’s a serial leaver or maybe a serial ignorer 

That doesn’t even make sense, I know 

But it was confirmed that he is what may be a one date of guy 

After that it’s sayonara and forgotten 

I wonder why? 

See what bother’s me is the falta de educación as my Abuela would say when someone lacks manners 

It really isn’t hard to simply say ‘hmm… I don’t see this happening again or this was nice but I’m not interested…’ 

Just a word out of decency really 

I would love to ask why he reacts in such a way 

Brave? Perhaps or just curious

See I know I’m weird but this is even weirder

Made me wonder what is wrong with this person and why such a lack of proper communication 

I’m not trying to fix anyone because I’m not a therapist but I would like to understand the why of certain things 

Especially when the conversation was soo good 

It was so refreshing to talk with someone with so much to share via good conversation 

And then poof all gone with a trace and yet no reason 

I don’t even think I was weird on that ‘outing’ for lack of another word because I wouldn’t even consider it a romantic encounter 

But maybe he’s even more of an over thinker than I am 

Maybe… But what if he’s not and it’s just an I don’t really care pattern he has?

The world may never know… 

Bionica

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica 

Sight & Perception

I read somewhere that the way in which we perceive love has a lot to do with our experiences

For example, if as a kid you were often pushed around by those you cared about

It could be that as an adult you may feel that being treated in a smilier manner equals love, especially from a romantic partner 

But does that make sense? Is it possible that our perception of love changes with every relationship?

If one person is constantly telling us one thing and when we don’t hear that in another relationship do we question the love our current partner has for us? Or could it be that we somehow program our brains to think love is different with each partner?

Probably not, it honestly does make more sense to understand that like a computer our hard drive seems to be programmed a certain way after a period of time in which we have experienced similar patterns in relationships 

It actually does make sense because it just so happens that we grow accustomed to certain behaviors 

Although they may not be the best, they are not foreign and perhaps we feign comfort from such 

Because it’s what we know best… 

So would that explain why I build up so much around unrequited love?

Because I have somehow sabotaged all would and could be relationships by always finding a fault that perhaps never existed?

Because I just never gave a chance to nice relationship for long enough to say, oh wow well those nice words and sweet things, they’re nice…I really like this…

How else could I explain letting go of Miami?

Miami is to this day the sweetest ever 

Kind, expressive and affectionate 

Yet when he told me that he wanted to know if there was still something there while being in a relationship with someone else it made me wonder ‘well now sir, do you think so little of me to disrespect me in not thinking that I would want someone to be completely dedicated to me and not in a ‘secretly’ open relationship?’

But did I tell him this?

No, I did not

‘Why?’ asks no one in particular–because I didn’t care to 

I guess I prefer to cling on to whatever semblance of friendship we may have without making unexpected waves that might not be welcomed 

I don’t know…it could also be chucked up to the fact that I’m an over thinker that needs to learn to love in the moment 

Would that make thins easier? Perhaps. Perhaps life may flow better this way

Perhaps I’ll give it a try, someday… 

But then what about West Coast?

Offered to make some magic in a kitchen 

For me! For me! Can you believe it?

What a guy and I said nothing, nothing at all 

That could again be easily blamed on overthinking and wondering about nonsense 

Instead of being present I thought of too many what ifs that never seems to play, not even a single round of chess… 

But does this even tie in with my experience or inexperience of love and perception?

It may–because the tickets were given to those that could have been done with out 

And now those that would value the ride just get overlooked…

And to change this all now

What do I do?

Simply be present in the moment, breathe, open my eyes, ears and heart 

Maybe…Maybe

-Bionica

Thinking...

I’ve had this feeling for a while now 

The feeling that I speak and no one listens 

As if I’m trying to give a sort of warning in an effort to stop something that could be avoided 

Trying to speak a truth that no one will listen to 

People may look here and there but they keep on walking and her words get picked up by the wind 

So it may be heard somewhere in the distance but people may not be sure of what it was that she said 

And of course she isn’t the only person to experience this 

So many people prefer to ignore what’s in front of them perhaps out of convenience 

Or maybe because if they really see, then they would have to acknowledge other things too 

Like their own faults perhaps, like the fact that we’re all guilty of something and so it could be that 

The ego is just too big that some refuse to even make eye contact to see such a thing that would 

Remotely act as a mirror to them 

It could be… 

But so what?

What is wrong in actually admitting a mistake?

To err is human is it not?

And to remediate things is too 

To move forward is too 

To be in the present without pointing out the past seems to be a big challenge for some 

Maybe it has to do with letting go 

It could be tied to forgiveness of self 

Whatever the case, I’m thinking of moving my soap box to my place under the sun 

But this time I’m not going to give words to those that don’t want to hear it 

I’m going to hold my ground and live my truth 

Simple and serene 

Keeping away from those who may not understand 

Because sometimes you just have to move on 

Without looking back 

Understanding that to some you will always be the white background noise that they could never make out 

And that’s ok 

Sometimes it’s more about you 

Than it is about them… 

Bionica 

Thoughts

She wondered, what did she do?

What did she miss?

What game was he playing?

One day it’s I’d love to see you too 

The next day is silent and blank 

Like in between takes of a silent movie 

With a white question mark to show 

In the middle of the screen 

Searching her face for answers she cannot provide 

And so she didn’t 

She was tired of questioning something she would never know the answer to 

She continued going forward 

Occasionally wondering what if 

What could have been 

What could she have changed 

What was it that she did?

And then, something changed 

She grew tired of questioning 

She grew tired of waiting 

And so she moved on by herself 

With out looking back 

With out a question 

She ventured out on her own 

Without thinking of another

She only thought of herself 

Of what would be good for her 

Of what could help her grow 

Of what could help learn 

It was all she had left 

And it was a lot 

To learn to be alone and not just be content 

But to be happy with such 

She found herself 

And she loved herself 

Somehow all it took was a little bit of losing herself…

Bionica

But how???

He was on a roll 

Asking her questions 

Making her question 

What things are 

How should they be 

Who is to say what’s really right?

Who is to say what really is the key to happiness?

And so she thought 

To herself, not aloud 

Not with him 

She thought about how great money is 

It can buy a lot of things 

But she didn’t really care for things 

What she really lived for was those moments 

Those moments that like in that ever so famous cliché 

Takes your breath away 

Alas, it was true 

At least her truth 

She cared not to be wealthy in money 

It would be nice, but not a priority 

She just wanted to be happy 

She just wanted to be free

She knew very well that she could be broke 

Broke but happy 

Broken and glued together and sewn back in so many places

But still happy 

Because it wasn’t all that bad

There were moments

Moments life gave her that were just as beautiful 

As all the hurt she had once experienced 

But what about him?

How could she tell this to him?

How could she make him feel?

How could she help him enjoy 

The feeling of the wind zipping past his face

While he ran on the field…

How could she teach him to love early mornings 

The kind in which the sky is seen 

With clouds of pink 

Like neon cotton candy across the sky 

How could she teach him to adore 

Those loving whispers 

The ones made each night 

Right before she said goodnight 

How?

-Bionica 

But Why

The second time that she saw him 

He asked her 'what is it that you like about him?'

She didn't know then 

She didn't know exactly what it was about him 

Sure there it was

The obvious 'he's a good person' 

Easy going 

Cool to be around 

And humble, very humble…

But when she got to thinking 

She really didn't know why 

Surely it had to be more than his smile 

The one he flashed her as he walked by 

The way that he took her hand in his

As he thanked her 

Or how to her surprise he 

Held her so close she could feel his heart beat against hers

There was more to it 

But she still couldn't explain it 

All she knew was this 

The mere thought of him 

Made her smile 

The mere thought of him 

Gave her a sense of longing 

To have him close to her

So that once again 

She could feel safe in his arms 

There was something about their silent embraces 

An unspoken language between them 

Than only they could understand 

And she had yet to tell him 

That the anticipation of just seeing him 

Well it made her heart flutter

As if within her 

There were a million feathers 

Just flying around 

Excited to know that he was near 

She felt perfectly comfortable with him 

Ready to risk it all 

For what reason?

She couldn't say 

She didn't know 

Not even to this day 

-Bionica 

Something

image

And so she wondered
How did it happen?
What did she do?
To make him go away?

Was it something she said?
During those drunken nights
In which everyone was giddy with laughter
Perhaps the conversation was too much?

But he would barely say a word?
All that he did was make eye contact with her
To quickly avoid her glance
And then look to the floor

Did he misinterpret her words
Of friendliness towards others and good intentions?

As much as she questioned herself,
She could not come up with an answer
Nothing made sense
As to what caused his absence

But then again,
there are things that never do…

-Bionica