To Belong

 I always tried so hard to belong 

To belong to the cool group of kids in kindergarten and be accepted by the Dominican girl with the Greek name like Oedipus’ mom slash wife 

But there was never anyone like me through out any of my school years 

There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt that I could identify with 

Not a single place where I felt that I belonged 

Not with my mother, father, brother or family 

My different tastes have always stood out like golden glitter on black paper 

But as a kid I didn’t see the sparkle

All I saw was something scratchy that would make an indent on my fingers if I pressed too hard 

I pressed really hard when I would get my hair straightened but my hair pressed harder when the Just for Me would grow out and it was time to do the roots again 

Aside from making every effort possible to change my hair, I also wanted to change my ethnicity and remember praying that my skin would be white 

That my name would be Melissa or Cindy, something that would be said correctly on the first try 

And when it was time to go shopping I would always pick out something that just didn’t go

And my mother would remind me of this constantly and even today want to change me up just to her liking 

Someone always wants to make an adjustment here or a tweak there to be more of what they like 

But the thing is that I don’t belong to them

I belong to me 

I belong to the happy girl inside that has learned to enjoy being the odd one out 

I have learned that my weirdness is mine only and can’t be taken away 

Does it make me shine like the glitter on the black paper?

Maybe or maybe not….

I know longer care if someone else sees the shine anymore 

I have learned that the sparkle is mine to love and appreciate 

Like the kinks in may hair that may be more coiled on one side than the other 

It’s part of what makes me great 

And the not belonging anywhere 

Well that’s no longer a cross to carry all sad like the men reenacting the stations of the cross

Now it’s what makes me strong to know that I don’t belong anywhere and that’s ok 

To know that I must be the happy home for my being 

Because I belong to me 

I belong to my happiness and my sadness all the same 

Because I don’t have to translate the language of my soul to myself 

I simply close my eyes and open my heart to feel 

Because all these differences, they belong to me so that I can just be… 

Bionica