2AM

Son las 2 de la mañana y aun tengo un peso en la garganta 

Traté de librar me de el peso antes de dormir y nada 

Aun lo tengo y me pregunto como encontrar el alivio 

El alivio para poder respirar, dormir y hasta vivir 

Porque es algo que de alguna manera impide que piense en algo mas 

Entonces trato de ver si seré lo suficiente honesta conmigo para escribir las cosas que no te digo 

En primera esta que he notado algo 

Mientras tu te muestras vulnerable conmigo me mantengo reservada 

Trato de quedarme en un carril distinto al tuyo 

Pero la verdad es que me encantaría manejar contigo 

O por lo menos ser tu co-piloto confiando en el camino que eliges para los dos 

Y entonces porqué no me dejo llevar?

Pues porque pienso mucho las cosas y eso tu ya lo sabes

Sabes que por mas que quisiera no lo hago porque me cuido mucho 

No me arriesgo contigo por que me da miedo 

Me da miedo llegar muy lejos y luego no saber como regresar 

Me da miedo sentir mucho y no ser correspondida de la manera que me gustaría 

Con un amor bonito que quiera estar conmigo y ser parte de mi vida 

Por eso me mantengo al margen 

Porque has sido muy claro conmigo 

Te escucho cuando dices que no me puedes amar

Entonces ¿qué de la vida si no hay amor? 

¿Dónde esta la magia si el amor lo es todo?

Si sabes la respuesta, me dejas saber y me dices como lo haces 

Porque esa es una pregunta que yo aun no puedo responder 

Pero aunque no te lo diga, me parece que tu mas que nada te has dejado llevar y estas sintiendo mucho 

Y no sabes como esconderlo 

Esta siendo honesto contigo mismo y mostrando abiertamente lo que sientes

Entonces me da pesar porque yo no he hecho lo mismo 

Ni al frente de otros, ni a tu vera 

Igual te lo digo aunque ya lo sabes

Se me hace difícil decir te quiero 

Se me hace difícil creer en el amor 

Por mas extraño que parezca, pero es así 

Como que mas bien creo que existe para otras personas 

Pero dudo mucho de ese amor romántico 

Y tal vez no te lo diga lo suficiente, pero si siento algo por ti

Te quiero 

Así de sencillo 

Te quiero cuando me miras, cuando me abrazas

Te quiero cuando me preguntas por lo que es importante para mi 

Te quiero cuando me dices algo bonito 

Pero quererme puede ser un reto 

Para deshacer lo que me ha causado dolor 

Y mostrarme que no hay nada malo en mostrarse vulnerable 

Y que si duele no será para siempre 

Y darme razón para confiar 

No se que te parezca 

Aun no te lo he dicho… 

Bionica

When

Thinking back she couldn’t remember the first time she saw him 

As much as she tried, it wasn’t something she could place 

She did remember the peach blocked hoodie he wore in place of an actual coat 

A little big for a man of his stature is what she thought as it enveloped him in warmth as the cold winter air danced outside 

He would wink at her and she made nothing of it 

He would attempt to flirt with her and she would ignore it

He was as persistent as her ‘no’s’ 

He seriously asked if he could take her out

To which she giggled at the surprised reaction to those around him 

It wasn’t expected 

And still she didn’t answer 

He went on to hold her against his body 

Tight to his chest he asked someone what they thought of them together

He wanted affirmation of how nice he found them to be

But his question was returned with a blank expression 

One that didn’t care to answer the question 

And she laughed, not because of the question, but because of the stare 

Did he notice anything different?

Was he in a bubble while he held her?

Did he avoid the thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have asked?

She didn’t know and didn’t ask 

She simply noticed the reactions to his questions when it came to her 

But she didn’t think about him 

She didn’t know why he asked others and not her 

She didn’t understand anything that he may have felt when he saw her

But she still tried to avoid him until one day she didn’t 

She tried but that day he won 

It was just the two of them and he was close to her 

So close that she could feel his chest rise with each breath 

She looked at him and he looked at her lips 

He leaned in and she didn’t resist 

As his lips enclosed over her’s they both pulled away 

A reflex she didn’t expect from either one 

It happened though 

Marking something between the two that would stay forever 

Because it was a beginning… 

-Bionica

Pu$$y

 It’s a pussy revolution!

And baby I’m your solution 

So bring out the carpet for my pussy 

Red orange yellow green blue indigo violet 

I don’t care 

Just bow down to my 

Just bow down to the pussy 

Make way for pussy 

Clap for the pussy 

And Kiss that pussy 

It’s been a long long time 

And this pussy has been in line 

But you gotta set it free and just let things be

Because

It’s a pussy revolution!

And baby I’m your solution

The time has come for you to let the pussy be 

This pussy is a mom 

This pussy is a queen 

This pussy is a king 

And these pussies are a team 

No more oppressions

On our suggestions & opinions 

No more oppressions 

On the bodies of the pussies

Because

It’s a pussy revolution!

And baby I’m your solution

Just give thanks to the pussy 

And ask for consent from the pussy 

If you want to make the pussy whine 

Way before you try to climb 

Be nice to the pussy 

Call out to the pussy 

Kiss the ring on the pussy 

And ask fro consent for the pussy 

This pussy is a cause 

This pussy is a fighter 

This pussy makes laws 

So give it gas like a lighter 

Because

It’s a pussy revolution!

And baby I’m your solution

-Bionica

Al hacer

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te entregaría algo de mi 

Mi alma

No entera, no completa pero un pedacito de ella 

Te entregaría mi corazón 

No entero, no completo pero unos latidos y mi amor 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Estaria desnuda frente a ti 

Vieras mi cuerpo tal y como es 

Lo que amo y lo que aveces quisiera amar mas 

Pero también desnudaría mi alma frente a ti 

Estaría tan vulnerable 

Pero no sentiría miedo 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Intercambiaría mi energía con la tuya 

Te daría mis estrellas, mi luna y mi sol 

No todo, no por completo pero algo 

Y a cambio aceptaría tus estrellas, tu luna y tu sol 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te miraré a los ojos y con ellos decirte cosas dulces 

Te abrazaré junto a mi cuerpo y sentiré tu corazón junto al mío 

Al hacer el amor contigo te daría algo muy puro de mí 

Algo que nadie mas ha visto 

Algo que nadie mas ha sentido 

Guardado tan solo para tí 

Y por eso, hoy te lo escribí 

-Bionica 

Dear Dominican Men

 This is my letter to the Dominican men that know nothing about hair and perhaps colorism 

As a kid I remember praying to wake up one day and be completely different 

With out a curl to my hair and a name like Melissa 

I wanted to be just like everyone else and tried so hard 

I wanted to fit in and be accepted

So I would fawn over the Pantene commercials that showed women with long, silky straight hair that fanned out as they shook their head

I wanted to be a chica Mirta 

Because if you ran your fingers through their hair there wouldn’t be a snag

I felt so free with my hair loose in a big pajón when my mom would let me

It was as if no one could catch me and I could finally be free 

But then I would get excited for the Just For Me hair relaxer that would leave me tender headed with chemical burns all over my scalp

Because ‘el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones’ (she who wants nice hair has to endure the pain)

I didn’t like it when my mom braided my hair

I just wanted it to be straight and loose

So when the time came I made sure to be at the salon religiously every two weeks

I would let the women pull my hair and fry my scalp and brush it after so that I could be a real Chica Mirta (whatever that means)

I worked so hard to have best hair in high school but it didn’t happen and somehow I wasn’t disappointed 

Once my mom added a track (extensions) to my forever shoulder length hair 

I got so many compliments with it

I could let believe it

I was feeling myself 

But then something happened

I went to the water park shortly after getting my hair relaxed

When my hair got wet someone asked ‘quién se desrizó?’ (who relaxed their hair?) 

I wanted to die

See when you wash your hair after relaxing it

It smells like sulfur, an egg salad you don’t want to eat 

So after that I wasn’t feeling like too much of a treat

That same year I was uptown with my friend

In desperate need of a touch up

My roots were kinky and the rest straight

I walked by a Dominican man that said ‘la que ta peiná’ (the one with her hair done)

How sweet of him to gently hurt my ego 

That was the last time I straightened my hair 

I went to Spain nervous that I wouldn’t be able to last the 5 weeks with my hair looking nice

It lasted for a bit 

I found a fellow black girl to do my hair 

It wasn’t the same 

I held it back with colored scarves to cover my shame

Then my straight and wavy haired friends encouraged me to leave my hair as it was 

And I did

They didn’t laugh 

They didn’t say I should do this or that 

They simply accepted me and liked me as I was 

But I kept on straightening my hair

The ladies at the salon hated me because I put them to work 

One told me that she had to take a ‘calmante’ (pain killer) after blow drying my hair—ouch 

Sometimes I would be asked if I was a church girl because apparently if we have a love for G-d we no longer care for our hair 

The comments at the salon weren’t usually encouraging

It was constantly about trying to change me 

So I stopped going

And boy was it hard

Years later I’m still trying to navigate what’s best for my hair

I’m always looking for a better way to keep these curls hydrated 

One day may be amazing and another may be screaming out for moisture 

Deep instense moisture and love

I’m working on it

Sometimes I braid my hair because it is a protective style 

My hair feels more cared for when I braid it

When I don’t braid it and let it air dry some might think that my hair hates me

Tightening up so much as not to let the finest comb in

But I think my hair is really protecting me so as not to let anything but love in 

But Dominican men don’t see this or understand this 

They don’t know the struggles on our head to make sure these locks feel right 

They think it’s abandonment and carelessness of the self 

When in reality it comes down to embracing the beauty of being black 

With curls in my hair that I shouldn’t hide

Because when I try to

I just doesn’t come out right 

So now I just let it be

But not everyone will see 

Just how happy it makes me

-Bionica 

¿Cómo decirte?

Como decirte, que me gustan tus canas 

Decirte que me gustaría pasar mis dedos por tu pelo plateado y dejártelo desarreglado luego de haberte besado 

Como decirte que me gusta la manera que tus brazos me acercan a tu cuerpo tanto que sientes mis suspiros como si fueran tuyos 

Como decirte que me encanta la manera en que tu barba roza mi mejilla cuando te acercas y me das un beso 

Como decirte que me gusta que sabes exactamente lo que quieres 

El hecho de que seas un hombre decidido me atrae 

Y la manera en en que tus labios saben exactamente como besarme al acercarse con delicadeza y decirme que me deseas 

Me llena de alegría ver como tus ojos brillan al hablar con tus hijos 

Me gusta escucharte hablar con ellos porque la felicidad que emites es contagiosa 

Pero lo que pasa es que no quiero que me gusten esas cosas de ti porque me da miedo 

Me da miedo que me gustes demasiado y luego saber que no eres mío 

Me da miedo que me gusta la manera en que me miras 

Y me da miedo saber que quieres besarme cuando yo quiero sentirte 

-Bionica

Toxic Masculinity

Toxic Masculinity
It’s a thing perhaps in the latino culture that we just brush to the side and ‘think nothing of it’
But working with Dominican men I hear things all the time 
Things that are not ok and yet these men find it funny or absolutely normal 

Makes me fee like I have to stand on a soap box with a megaphone letting people know what’s going on 

And yet some just keep on walking by at times while I’m saying what I have to say because I feel strongly about what’s going on 

Like I’m in a loop where I’m the only one that sees certain things apparently and others may think I’m weird or crazy 

Perhaps a little bit of both and maybe I am 

I cannot tell 

May be you can 

So while I’m at work this the conversation seems to turn to me and how I should act towards men 

Because as a woman in 2022 we have the power to make men bend to our will & call or so I’m told 

However I don’t know of a man that I want to personally do my bidding if I’m honest 

And then it was said ‘man if I were younger I would impregnate you and then leave you!’ 

What on the good Lord’s green earth is that?

How does another human being think this let alone say it out loud and other men are silent which lets me know that apparently they agree 

It should not be so challenging to be of the female gender yet some men really are d!cks! 

The fact that a man would even be so vile to want to hurt a woman by abandoning her with his child on purpose is mind-blowing 

Why would you want to do that ON PURPOSE???

What goes through this man’s mind to think this through? 

What does he gain out of making someone endure the physical changes that come with pregnancy, childbirth and then want this woman to raise a child on her own just because?

This is an act of violence against a woman any way you look at it by the simple fact that this man uses something that’s supposed to be beautiful (welcoming life into this world) into an act of pain and suffering knowing how hard it is to be a single mother

Why????

What is it with men?

How do they not realize that they were born from a mother? 

A woman carried them and nurtured them in their womb! 

And yet they know not how to value the amazing sex that is FEMALE 

Mind boggling and preposterous at the same time

No cliff hangers, just thoughts of wonder on how this happens…

-Bionica

Amor

I think that as human beings we are designed to love
This is why many of us probably seek out relationships
We are hoping to feel that wave of warmth that escalates when with someone–a really good someone

But not everyone is right for us or even for themselves at a given moment

And so when this happens there is a domino like effect of what maybe brief pleasure followed by ongoing sadness, upset and what have you

And sometimes anger...

We become angry that someone isn’t the person we want them to be and vive versa

So it’s like we’re stuck in this loop of dislike and we don’t know why

But I think it’s because many times we lack the patience and self discipline to wait for what’s right

In a world where everything is instant, the waiting game isn’t a favorite of many

But at times, when played well, the results make us forget the time spent

At least that’s what some people say

Oh, and it doesn’t have to be romantic eros love either

Sometimes we don’t even get any parental love 

And so we search for kindness in others but don’t always find it 

And when we do, we may want to simply hold on to it for always & evermore 

It happens because we have an innate need to give love and receive it

I just don’t understand what happens to make us forget about love

After all, everything comes back to love

The way we act, the things we lack and try to make up for—it’s all because of love or the absence of such 

Crazy how something we can’t exactly see, is what we are constantly searching for

Grasping on to slivers of faith with hopes that we will find it. 

-Bionica

Aparte

It wasn’t a break-up because they weren’t together 

It was more of a hook-up 

Two people coming together perhaps precisely for that reason 

To make each other reach a peak that they hadn’t before or at least not in a while 

Nonetheless, the break-up of the hook-up was sudden although expected 

Sudden because there were no words communicated to indicate that a sudden halt was coming 

An abrupt stop that would make the tea sets on any moving train rattle if they didn’t shatter upon reaching the floor

Their floor? Hunter green sheets of a polyester blend most likely

Smelling of a laundry detergent I couldn’t decipher with a softness that went unnoticed during the course of events 

Where everything just ended there 

Upon a plush mattress simply holding two people together 

Maybe having them sink within before coming together to move apart once again 

The results on the symbolic floor of a mattress were not what either expected but perhaps more than they thought 

That sometimes two people are just best apart while forming part of something greater in life 

Coming together to point out small things that only they can see so that later on they could show it to the rest of world 

Making the lens of the kaleidoscope different and all the more interesting 

Just because…  

-Bionica

Palabras No Dichas

 No te voy a decir que cada vez que tomo pienso en ti o que me emborracho en tu nombre 

No te lo voy decir porque no hace falta 

No te lo voy a decir porque hay muchas cosas que tu aun no me has dicho aunque falten por decir 

Pero hablando sola me pregunto ¿porqué no has hablado conmigo?

¿Porqué no me has buscado cuando tuviste el tiempo? 

¿Porqué le sigo dando vueltas a lo de nosotros en mi cabeza? 

Yo pensando que estaba mal

Yo pensando que hice algo malo y que tal vez por eso te fuiste 

Pero la verdad es que no fue algo mío pero tal vez algo tuyo y de los dos 

Tal vez tu fallo fue no hablar y contarme lo que pensabas y lo que sentías 

Tal vez tu fallo fue el no ser honesto contigo y conmigo 

Si hubiéramos hablado mas otra cosa sería pero ¿y ahora qué? 

¿Qué nos toca?

Ahora ¿qué hacemos?

¿Ahora qué hago con esos mensajes que me no me has mandado con el teléfono en la mano y el whisky en la mesa, con los ojos cerrados pensando en nosotros? 

¿Ahora qué hago cuando escuche ‘Volverte A Ver’ y no pueda tocar otra canción?

No te lo voy a decir porque tal vez ni tu mismo sepas 

Lo que vas sentir y aun no contarme… 

Bionica