To Know–

So I found out today that he’s a serial leaver or maybe a serial ignorer 

That doesn’t even make sense, I know 

But it was confirmed that he is what may be a one date of guy 

After that it’s sayonara and forgotten 

I wonder why? 

See what bother’s me is the falta de educación as my Abuela would say when someone lacks manners 

It really isn’t hard to simply say ‘hmm… I don’t see this happening again or this was nice but I’m not interested…’ 

Just a word out of decency really 

I would love to ask why he reacts in such a way 

Brave? Perhaps or just curious

See I know I’m weird but this is even weirder

Made me wonder what is wrong with this person and why such a lack of proper communication 

I’m not trying to fix anyone because I’m not a therapist but I would like to understand the why of certain things 

Especially when the conversation was soo good 

It was so refreshing to talk with someone with so much to share via good conversation 

And then poof all gone with a trace and yet no reason 

I don’t even think I was weird on that ‘outing’ for lack of another word because I wouldn’t even consider it a romantic encounter 

But maybe he’s even more of an over thinker than I am 

Maybe… But what if he’s not and it’s just an I don’t really care pattern he has?

The world may never know… 

Bionica

But what about–the Love

 Star crossed lovers that just had to be together and could bear it not to live their life apart

That’s what it came down to for Romeo & Juliet as for Pyramus & Thisbe 

A love so strong that in a way stood for no one including themselves because without the other there was no will to live 

And so these stories are sad

But what about that love of Odysseus & Penelope who turned everyone else down as they weren’t her beloved 

Does this mean that she was a living martyr throughout the absence of Odysseus?

What does it mean?

People romanticize love stories all the time adding extra this and that but what does it all mean?

What do people really want?

What do people really think?

Personally, I think it rather lovely and dare I say it tragic at the same time when you find your love and yet let space come between the two for what ever the reason may be 

It doesn’t really make sense 

If the two have such love for each other, why not stay together?

But then other things come into play like Society? Fear? Bewilderment? And whatever other ingredients 

So does this mean that those lovers that separate are less passionate?

Au contraire for I think that many hearts keep such love deep within the chambers 

Letting out only a bit of the story for oxygen 

Such lovers somehow connect telepathically and communicate via looks that only the two can understand 

It is so as when the two share touching moments when holding hands reveals what words dare not say as some eyes may look away 

I wonder how many people have really lived this

Encountered such intensity that when it happened they knew not what to do with it 

For such moments are rarely spoken of and seen as rather rushed and foolish 

But they do say more often than not that it is the fools who rush in 

And yet is it really a rush to this love?

Or is it a coming together of two souls that somehow are pulled towards each other, time and time again like a magnet with an inexplicable force that can best be felt?

Such love that when the two come together it’s a breath of relief to be there once again 

To love and feel and feel some more 

And so I still wonder…

Bionica

What You Already Know

 It happened quite some time ago, but there are moments that stay in our minds forever 

See it’s a cultural thing that is some how normal among my Dominican people

To visit psychics and have your cards read is a thing of camaraderie almost 

And so I remember going with my mom 

The first thing I was told was to refrain from letting the brujo know that we lived in the states 

The man is supposed to be a good Cuban burro-how does he not know where we live?

I wondered this and as I write it today, I can’t help but laugh–because it’s funny

So there I am in what seems to be a small container with only one room and although it was the early 2000s the man had a this old phone with the curly telephone wire that on top of that seemed so heavy it would make an excellent paper weight 

Suddenly the phone rang and he says ‘excuse me’  but I’m not supposed to know any English, dique…

The man lays out the cards and tells me yo veo un viaje- I see a trip in your near future

Um, well yes we were about to go home soon, probably that very week…

Something that I already knew and then apparently he did too 

Which has prompted me to wonder what the whole point was of paying someone to tell me things that I already knew 

What kind of game is that? Not a good one because I don’t really see the benefit of giving someone else money for what we will now both know

It’s a little annoying and tedious as a I think about it 

But for some people it’s the best thing ever 

To have someone relay things that you never thought anyone else knew 

Could it be that the brujo is a more accepted version of a therapist 

To pay someone to tell you things that may or may not be true while you listen intently and aghast because they tell you so much 

Kind of sounds like it, at least a little 

Oh and there was a doozy! 

The man tells me no vas a tener mucha suerte en el amor –you won’t be very lucky in love 

Well what is luck is exactly? Because although some people may consider it unlucky to be single, someone in a bad relationship may consider it the best luck ever 

This all comes down to your view on the situation and life 

It’s that seeing the glass half empty or half full mentality 

But to my mother this was not good 

She tried to say it wasn’t true because now she was psychic too and decided that she knew more than the handsome Cuban man she just paid to tell her some truths 

But you know what would be the even more difficult pill to swallow for her?

The fact that one day I would grow to not care about my relationship status because it meant that being in one is not a priority to me 

That is the biggest shock to her 

Because although romantic relationships may hold importance to her, it can be rather challenging to understand that they aren’t for her daughter 

It was the affirmation of what she already knew 

That her daughter’s alien thoughts would never be fully comprehended by her 

That her daughter’s radical way of thinking would just be too strange for her 

That her daughter could very well belong to someone else because she would never understand her 

And to the daughter 

Well she just took it all in stride 

Knowing well that somethings just weren’t meant to be understood… 

Bionica 

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica 

Sight & Perception

I read somewhere that the way in which we perceive love has a lot to do with our experiences

For example, if as a kid you were often pushed around by those you cared about

It could be that as an adult you may feel that being treated in a smilier manner equals love, especially from a romantic partner 

But does that make sense? Is it possible that our perception of love changes with every relationship?

If one person is constantly telling us one thing and when we don’t hear that in another relationship do we question the love our current partner has for us? Or could it be that we somehow program our brains to think love is different with each partner?

Probably not, it honestly does make more sense to understand that like a computer our hard drive seems to be programmed a certain way after a period of time in which we have experienced similar patterns in relationships 

It actually does make sense because it just so happens that we grow accustomed to certain behaviors 

Although they may not be the best, they are not foreign and perhaps we feign comfort from such 

Because it’s what we know best… 

So would that explain why I build up so much around unrequited love?

Because I have somehow sabotaged all would and could be relationships by always finding a fault that perhaps never existed?

Because I just never gave a chance to nice relationship for long enough to say, oh wow well those nice words and sweet things, they’re nice…I really like this…

How else could I explain letting go of Miami?

Miami is to this day the sweetest ever 

Kind, expressive and affectionate 

Yet when he told me that he wanted to know if there was still something there while being in a relationship with someone else it made me wonder ‘well now sir, do you think so little of me to disrespect me in not thinking that I would want someone to be completely dedicated to me and not in a ‘secretly’ open relationship?’

But did I tell him this?

No, I did not

‘Why?’ asks no one in particular–because I didn’t care to 

I guess I prefer to cling on to whatever semblance of friendship we may have without making unexpected waves that might not be welcomed 

I don’t know…it could also be chucked up to the fact that I’m an over thinker that needs to learn to love in the moment 

Would that make thins easier? Perhaps. Perhaps life may flow better this way

Perhaps I’ll give it a try, someday… 

But then what about West Coast?

Offered to make some magic in a kitchen 

For me! For me! Can you believe it?

What a guy and I said nothing, nothing at all 

That could again be easily blamed on overthinking and wondering about nonsense 

Instead of being present I thought of too many what ifs that never seems to play, not even a single round of chess… 

But does this even tie in with my experience or inexperience of love and perception?

It may–because the tickets were given to those that could have been done with out 

And now those that would value the ride just get overlooked…

And to change this all now

What do I do?

Simply be present in the moment, breathe, open my eyes, ears and heart 

Maybe…Maybe

-Bionica

How much longer?

I’ve gotten to thinking that the people that oppose same sex relationships have never experienced love 

They never experienced finding someone to brighten their day with a smile, someone that is understanding and speaks wonders to their soul

These people have been missing out on the joy of life and of love 

Their lack of such mixed with some other things has blinded them to the freedom of love 

Maybe…I don’t know, but it could be why they aren’t able to be happy to hear of another person experiencing such bliss 

To find a partner that makes their heart sing 

I read it all the time, how people have found their soulmates, their best friends… 

And I think to myself–well how beautiful is that 

And when you share such news with the world its because you want to some how have them feel at least a little bit of that love that you’re feeling 

But some people just can’t take it because they don’t know what it is 

They have closed themselves off to the love that is real and they have a rather warped view of things 

Their ego gets the best of them and it’s like a maze, no a labyrinth of things that don’t make sense and preconceived notions that lack love 

Take for instance people that follow things hardcore without room for error when they read holy texts

They forget that the golden rule clearly states to ‘love your neighbor’ –and to simplify things, ‘love your neighbor as you love yourself’

But they only repeat what they want 

They like to play games and guilt trip other people for things that make no sense 

It’s annoying and I’m totally over it 

I’m hoping that soon enough they will be over it too and finally open the door to love especially after hearing them preach so much…

How much longer though?

Bionica 

Mask On

She couldn’t remember if she had told him 

So she said it again 

The best that she could, in a friendly tone that was a bit to chipper 

But she had to say it 

Just in case–she told him that she wasn’t interested in him 

Not in a romantic way, simply as a friend 

To which he surprised that he was very well aware of the fact 

To which she wondered ‘why then are you being so persistent making thins weird?’

But she didn’t say any of that 

She just got into her feelings, even more so when he asked her 

‘Would it still be considered a kiss if we’re both wearing masks?’

That was just too much for her, not just weird, not just uncomfortable but a little scary 

How could someone knowingly ask such a question of a person they clearly know isn’t interested in such 

She found it to be disrespectful and completely uncalled for 

It was a direct violation, at least to her 

And so what would she do then? 

Avoid his calls? How could they when they worked so close together?

Leave her job, the one she needed so much?

Report him? While also being afraid to put his job in jeopardy?

Talk to him again and let him know that she viewed his actions as scary?

It all made her wonder

‘How does any human think this is ok?’

What is it with people expressing defiance towards consent?

It’s selfish and not in a good way, it’s also way too egotistical in her opinion… 

Bionica