Self to Love

Sometimes she thought about all she wanted as a kid 

To have someone hold her hand 

To have someone accept her perspective 

Understanding that difference is beautiful 

That she will forever be beautiful 

But the world worked quite differently 

It wasn’t allowed to pick out the cards most liked 

It allowed to learn from the best and worst cards dealt 

To take in everything possible before picking another card 

Before making another move…

Something she sometimes lost sight of 

Because she just didn’t know what it was about 

She felt lost 

Like Alice down the rabbit hole 

She didn’t know where she was going or what she was supposed to look for 

There were no signs indicating what to do 

It was something she had to figure out on her own 

In her own time 

Even if it meant going around in circles until the lines became straight 

A door would open up and she would realize that she had to go around it a few times to see it 

It’s all part of the process 

The healing that she very much needed

Bionica

Life

It was hard 

Hard to do all the time 

To be a parent to someone that is supposed to be your partner 

To someone that is supposed to be your equal 

It became too much 

To make up in all the places where his parents lacked 

To mother a grown man pushing 30 was a responsibility she no longer wanted to take on 

She was tired of repeating directions the way the a kindergarten teacher repeats the abc’s 

It was not a song that she wanted to sing 

She was over it 

She realized like so many before her, that all her efforts would never take flight on her 

But another…

Another that would receive everything she worked so hard to make better

Kind of like a potter 

That spins the wheel to mold the clay, that borrows the air to dry the clay and then uses the brush to paint the clay and borrows the heat to seal in the color 

So much efforts done for a piece that will be given away 

But she wasn’t a potter 

She did not want to give away her efforts 

She did not another to reap her harvest 

But it was too late of course 

The efforts she made will make a change 

As soon as she were to walk away 

He would see it all clearly 

Everything that she said 

The words that rose above in her silence 

He would hear it all 

He would use them all and be that person 

The right person a little too late

To belong to another…

Bionica

Thoughts

She wondered, what did she do?

What did she miss?

What game was he playing?

One day it’s I’d love to see you too 

The next day is silent and blank 

Like in between takes of a silent movie 

With a white question mark to show 

In the middle of the screen 

Searching her face for answers she cannot provide 

And so she didn’t 

She was tired of questioning something she would never know the answer to 

She continued going forward 

Occasionally wondering what if 

What could have been 

What could she have changed 

What was it that she did?

And then, something changed 

She grew tired of questioning 

She grew tired of waiting 

And so she moved on by herself 

With out looking back 

With out a question 

She ventured out on her own 

Without thinking of another

She only thought of herself 

Of what would be good for her 

Of what could help her grow 

Of what could help learn 

It was all she had left 

And it was a lot 

To learn to be alone and not just be content 

But to be happy with such 

She found herself 

And she loved herself 

Somehow all it took was a little bit of losing herself…

Bionica