Learning

For a birthday in her 20s a friend gave her a special card 

A card that read ‘keep following your heart and everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to’ which come to think about it, she may have forgotten to do 

The heart is the best GPS, but she seemed to have forgotten that along the way to this present day 

In the card her friend wished success and happiness and that her dreams would come true 

That was the year that she met them 

The loves that would mark her life forever 

First she met 1 shortly after asking G-d that the man that was to come into her life would see her looking ok, because if he liked her with her hair a mess, then he would like her for real 

She also asked for someone that was her age and as G-d would have it, 1 came into her life 

It was a surprise to her, one that she welcomed although unsure of what to do and what to say 

She felt shy all of a sudden and couldn’t get the words out to say much to him, but at the same time she wished that 1 would be initiate the conversation 

Instead what went on between the two was a silent exchange of energy in which words were not needed

It was all in the way they looked at each other and the comfort that they felt 

For the first time ever, she felt like staying and she couldn’t believe it 

How was it that this was finally happening to her 

Moments of sweetness in which the two were together, holding one another cheek to cheek

But she was overthinking and at the moment in which he was going to turn his face to kiss her she moved 

She thought about the people around them and not about the moment being lived 

Perhaps within their language without words it was lost that she had romanticized a relationship and how things should really happen 

Perhaps if she would have told him he would have listened and would have done things differently 

But she didn’t and maybe he got tired of trying 

But she always kept on waiting 

As she waited she met 2 who really felt for her but caught up in 1 she didn’t know what to do 

Still she gave it a try without really giving all that she could 

Thinking of 1 she lost out on 2 but she learned that both would have a hold on her ever flowing love 

She learned that with 1 she needed more confidence in the person she was, is and would become 

With 2 she learned to take the present moment for what it is and live it 

From both she learned that love is beautiful and best when shared 

She has learned to be in the moment, give the best of herself even if the other is not prepared 

Because in her best is where the truth of her love stands 

Beginning with the self and flowing to the rest 

-Bionica

10:56pm 

Seek & Find

There is always a reward in the leaps we take because once we jump we know that we at least made an effort and if it works out, we have a plus to add to our story 

And so she went for it and took a leap 

She took a chance and wrote a “Dear John” letter and sent it out to the world

A page with words full of hope, wonder and a few questions to be asked 

Shortly after she received a response!

She was surprised and relieved at the same time because it’s always nice when friendships last the test of time 

See, for her it wasn’t about the romance but about the person that had so much to share 

Experiences lived with stories to tell 

It’s always about the person and the coming together of two worlds building on friendship 

Knowing that people can still come together to share great conversation in simplicity 

But alas something must have happened along the way 

As quickly as he replied, his messages stopped 

They didn’t get lost, they just stopped 

It happens in life, with out any clue or reason 

Things just disappear, and then the question is 

What to do?…

-Bionica

Encountered Treasure

Not exactly a love letter but a kind email circa September of 2008 

From a sailor friend made that very year during New York’s Fleet Week

An interesting experience to meet this kind young man all dressed in white

When his skin made me think ‘lobster red’ from being out in the sun so long 

He had asked me for my newly gotten phone number and I didn’t know it just yet, but I got it right 

And he was able to call me after 

We kept in contact and during deployment we moved on to emails 

Emails for the modern penpals and I’m so happy to have found them 

Was I taken back to 2008? Not exactly 

I simply remembered talking with a great friend whom I haven’t spoken to in years 

And in that letter my friend asked me if I had found my Prince Charming…

Brining a smile to my face because I have found something so much better 

I found myself and my voice 

While the girl in 2008 wasn’t sure yet of what she wanted the woman of today is happy to be assertive 

Happy to know her value and what she brings to any place be it a relationship or her career 

The woman of today isn’t seeking approval from others but making an effort to do what’s best for her 

And along the way she fell in love with who she is inside and out 

A major message for the girl in 2008 

Not to worry because what really matters, will turn out to be great! 

Bionica

Different & the Same

There is something about anonymity that holds so much allure 

Like the fact that you can be who you are and no one will know 

Which kind of means that whatever criticisms come to surface will simply linger for a short while

With out a face or body to adhere, they simply dissipate after time 

So when writing with a nom de plume of which nothing is known 

There may be less of a vulnerably aspect 

As the person sharing the deepest insights of the soul is simply words imagined to a being 

I like that because in sharing such personal stories one can only wonder 

‘How does this person know?…who told them my story?’

But it’s because as different as we are

Humans hold so many similarities that bring us together 

Almost like a garden of different flowers

Each emitting an individual scent yet all experience the pollination process from bees 

Which makes us not so different from on another after all… 

-Bionica

Trauma

Trauma, sometimes it just lays under your skin, waiting for a chill to blow and make your hair rise

Letting you know that it will forever be there 

It can follow you and can be an expressive sign of your obvious discomfort 

And so I think about those women that haven’t had any sexual trauma 

Those women, if they’re out– there that haven’t had any sexual harassment 

How amazing it must be to be fully confident in your most expressive self, the naked body 

Without ever thinking back to a moment when that naked body had been seen with eyes of someone that made you feel anything but confident 

Eyes that made you want to scrub your skin raw 

To remove any and all remnants of that discomfiting stare

Those betraying eyes that made you feel shame for something that is beautiful 

To be forever free of such is amazing 

To know that no one ever made you doubt or want to hide your grace is a gift 

But I wonder, in all honesty, is there any woman out there to be free of such trauma?

 

-Bionica

The nature of some neighbors

 I know exactly what it is about my downstairs neighbors that rubs me the wrong way 

At my neighbors petition, the new owner of the house chopped down a kind cherry tree that had been around for more than 15 years 

Every year providing robust fruit and a sweet home for my bird friends 

They also took down the grapevine that had been growing for years without bothering a soul and providing for mediterranean grape leaf wraps 

There was a fig tree that they went on to remove and one that may have been a peach tree too, I’m not too sure

There was also a larger tree that provided shade and privacy in the summer without any threat of fall whatsoever 

Once chopped down mushrooms have made their appearance as what’s left of the tree begins to rot 

They have removed bushes from the property and worst of all, they have turned the yard into a partial dump 

Now the yard has 2 way too big bbq grills that barely get used, plastic lawn chairs that have seen better days 

A glass table with an umbrella whole but no umbrella and chairs that could be done without 

They throw out so much garbage to simply sit at the side of the house with useless things like styrofoam, old printers, fake plants… 

I just can’t understand how or why they have this odd attitude towards nature that is so good and giving to us 

But I guess they get it in other ways like when the gofer eats the tomatoes they plant among the plastic containers they leave in the yard after taking out the plants to be transplanted 

Oh and my neighbor had the audacity to say that I her crops get eaten because of me when she literally let’s them rot instead of picking them when they’re ripe and ready to give away 

She’s upset that I feed the birds, the squirrel and the cat that stops by on occasion to munch on food that would otherwise be thrown away 

She doesn’t understand the struggle we experienced throwing away food that would be all over the floor after my bird friends would peck at the garbage bag trying to grab a snack 

She doesn’t consider team work with my animal friends to make things better for everyone 

Instead she thinks the gofer eats her crops because I give them snacks and not because he’s a gofer that will dig tunnels and do what he wants

A squirrel friend will occasionally leave me ‘gifts’ of partially eaten food like a tomato or avocado here and there to say ‘hey boo, I appreciate you’ and although a simple nod would do, I’m not complaining 

I guess some people are like the lion & the tin man, without a brain or a heart 

To understand that we come of the earth but the earth does not come of us 

And so it is important to work together with nature and understand that it is a true blessing 

When your trees grow and give you fruit 

That the trees are our lungs and because of them we breathe 

But they just don’t get it 

And I’m completely over it…

-Bionica

To Belong

 I always tried so hard to belong 

To belong to the cool group of kids in kindergarten and be accepted by the Dominican girl with the Greek name like Oedipus’ mom slash wife 

But there was never anyone like me through out any of my school years 

There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt that I could identify with 

Not a single place where I felt that I belonged 

Not with my mother, father, brother or family 

My different tastes have always stood out like golden glitter on black paper 

But as a kid I didn’t see the sparkle

All I saw was something scratchy that would make an indent on my fingers if I pressed too hard 

I pressed really hard when I would get my hair straightened but my hair pressed harder when the Just for Me would grow out and it was time to do the roots again 

Aside from making every effort possible to change my hair, I also wanted to change my ethnicity and remember praying that my skin would be white 

That my name would be Melissa or Cindy, something that would be said correctly on the first try 

And when it was time to go shopping I would always pick out something that just didn’t go

And my mother would remind me of this constantly and even today want to change me up just to her liking 

Someone always wants to make an adjustment here or a tweak there to be more of what they like 

But the thing is that I don’t belong to them

I belong to me 

I belong to the happy girl inside that has learned to enjoy being the odd one out 

I have learned that my weirdness is mine only and can’t be taken away 

Does it make me shine like the glitter on the black paper?

Maybe or maybe not….

I know longer care if someone else sees the shine anymore 

I have learned that the sparkle is mine to love and appreciate 

Like the kinks in may hair that may be more coiled on one side than the other 

It’s part of what makes me great 

And the not belonging anywhere 

Well that’s no longer a cross to carry all sad like the men reenacting the stations of the cross

Now it’s what makes me strong to know that I don’t belong anywhere and that’s ok 

To know that I must be the happy home for my being 

Because I belong to me 

I belong to my happiness and my sadness all the same 

Because I don’t have to translate the language of my soul to myself 

I simply close my eyes and open my heart to feel 

Because all these differences, they belong to me so that I can just be… 

Bionica 

But is it worth it to love?

 As a kid she really wasn’t sure what love was 

She didn’t give it much thought 

She remembered that her parents would fight and sometimes her dad would go away 

But he would always go back home 

And she knew that made her happy 

One of her greatest joys was to see him climbing up the stairs to greet her as she stood in the doorway 

But that was at home…

Then on the novelas people would be so happy when they got married

It was supposed to be a day in which two people celebrated being one another’s ever after 

To live in love through and through 

Yet on some episodes people that were married didn’t really like each other 

And they would be miserable because they didn’t love their partner 

Their true love was someone else 

Sometimes single and other times in an unhappy relationship because they didn’t marry for love 

Stealing glances and sometimes forbidden affection from the one they did love

She couldn’t understand why it was all so complicated

Why would someone choose to be with someone that wouldn’t make them happy?

Not just on tv–but in real life 

It seemed to happen all the time 

There was even a trend in which people had divorce parties!

Imagine that, celebrating that you were no longer married to the person that was supposed to be the love of your life and make you happy

She wasn’t sure what to make of it all 

And once in conversation with a co-worker she remembered saying how she could not be able to be with someone whom she didn’t love 

Her co-worker averted her eyes at this, but didn’t say anything 

Could it be that her co-worker had married someone that she didn’t love just like in the novelas?

Maybe, but she didn’t seem miserable like in the novelas 

But then again she never went out with the couple to really see how things were and the feelings there or lack there of 

She thought about it and what it came down to 

Love had or simply always had been an option 

Yes, an option like choosing to have salt on your fries or even a side of ketchup 

Or maybe deciding on the soda with the meal that they would really enjoy but then saying no because it’s not good for them and so they will have a sad meal of fries with seltzer

But love is more than that 

It’s what makes someone’s eyes shimmer as they talk about something they enjoy 

It’s that warmth in the heart when they hug someone they really like being around 

It’s that sigh of relief that comes after sitting down when you had a busy day 

It’s that feeling of being so happy that you are holding the hand of the person that you can be with forever as you lean into them 

It’s so many things that are good and yet people choose to do with out it 

Some people knowingly enter a relationship with someone that will never make them happy 

Perhaps because they know they will have a certain security or they think that person will be a good parent 

But is that enough? 

Is it enough to marry someone with whom you find yourself imaging another when you’re getting physical?

Is it enough to know that you didn’t marry the love of your life and wonder every other day what your life may have been like if you would have said yes to love?

It was all too much for her 

She didn’t care to be with someone just because society made it a sin to be single and happy 

It’s sad how for some it’s so much better to be married with children and not even enjoying the life they live

It’s like living in Lego Land, it all looks so cool and fun but in reality it’s just plastic that gets cold in the winter and hot in the summer and isn’t very comfortable at all 

But this wasn’t anything new 

Not to society, not to the world 

But she wondered how & why someone could choose to be unhappy when they didn’t have to 

Was it really worth living for the views and thoughts of someone else?

Not to her, definitely not to her…

-Bionica

Ghosted

 It had been 3 weeks and he never replied to her 

It was odd because for the most part he would always reply 

Kindly and rather friendly 

Never to take something out of context and he would always answer with sincerity 

So she found it odd that he purposely forgot her 

Strange… 

Because it’s not like they would even flirt here & there 

Just simply stay in contact and share some thoughts about life every once in a while 

Like running into a friend at the aisle in the supermarket 

You have a deep conversation every so often about life 

In front of the Ben & Jerry’s, contemplating philosophy and aliens…

But this time he dodged her, purposely turning to the produce aisle 

Getting lost between the lettuce and cucumbers 

Pretending he was engrossed between the romaine & ice berg 

And so she asked herself if there was something that she did 

Was there something that she said? Was there something that she missed?

But the reality is that there wasn’t 

She thought of others before him that had simply ignored her 

With out a reason

As she searched deep within wondering why…

Then it came to her

The question 

The one that changed things for her 

“Would you really want to be involved with someone that ignores you?”

She knew the answer 

Regardless of the situation or relationship

Communication, honesty and respect 

Key components in every relationship–at least to her 

But those that disappeared became ghosts willingly 

Because they wanted to and because they valued different things 

So as she valued herself

She scrolled left over the conversation

Pressed delete 

And left that person where they wanted to be 

Behind and away from her

And she kept on walking forward 

Bionica

Hair

 As she twisted the end of her hair into a high bun

She came to the realization that the most complicated relationship a woman will have j

Is not with a man, but with her hair 

How many times have women looked in front of the mirror with a brush or comb in hand 

On the brink of tears of frustration because their hair just wouldn’t cooperate

It’s this thing we have no control over because it honestly does what it wants to do 

Regardless of what women want 

Some women have hair so straight they really have few style options because if they curl it

Well it’s very likely that the hair will uncurl itself shortly after 

There have been times when the comb got tangled in her hair as she tried to straighten it

On another occasion–brace yourself, the comb broke!

Yes, it broke mid way as she was detangling her hair, conditioner and all 

But maybe there is a lesson to be learned thanks to hair 

First, be kind to yourself, condition and be gentle 

Those tight hairstyles that make your head hurt are not necessary 

If your hair, that free spirit it is with a made up mind doesn’t want to be styled differently 

Love it as it is 

Love yourself as you are 

Not everyone will appreciate your style for what it is, but if you do–your hair and your self 

Will be eternally grateful for it 

If you feel like crying because it’s just too much to deal with 

Cry, take a step back and really look at the situation 

What are you trying to change? Is it something that should remain as is?

Is it something that can be worked with differently?

What are the happy possibilities that won’t make you cry?

And if all else fails, just wear it the as is and call it a good hair day!

Make it a good day, at least for you

She had to give in, because that bun was not looking the way she wanted 

So she decided to go with a poof and use a headband for style 

And slowly the relationship got better 

They liked each other a little bit more

It worked!

And so does life… 

Bionica

Coach P

 This time, when I went to the post office 

I was ready

My package was already in the envelope with a label on it with the address 

All I had to do was stand in line and wait my turn 

And there he was 

Coach P

I know this because the back of his white sweatshirt said Coach P— in black letters

What did I know about Coach P?

That he most likely drove in to the post office because as cold as it was

The man wasn’t wearing anything else but a sweatshirt and sweat pants 

No hat, no gloves, no scarf 

A risk taker if you ask me 

He was also very bold

Because I saw him holding the roll of tap from hand to hand 

As his exposed teeth went in for the tear 

What a guy! 

A strong one I tell you 

And one that smells really good 

Because as soon as I walked in my nostrils caught a whiff of Coach P

His cologne hugged everyone there 

Enveloping us like a hug from your crush that makes you smile inside 

Feels so nice… 

And I thought about how perhaps years ago 

I would have stolen a few looks hoping to get his attention 

But now it’s just like 

Oh, looks nice—

Back to my business 

My how things change… 

Bionica

To Be...

Yesterday it was just supposed to be Cheo & Vanessa 

They were supposed to be slow dancing as they warmed up for their scene 

But instead of being my character 

I was being me 

Because of the many things that went through my head, it just took me a while to her 

To begin, I think it was the first time ever that I slow danced with a boy!

Yes, I know right, because bachata doesn’t count 

If the Salesian Sisters at my high school would have seen me 

They would have commanded us to ‘leave room for the Holy Ghost’

I thought to myself, ‘omg do I smell? What if I smell? What if he doesn’t like the way I smell

I did wash my hair on Friday, so I know it’s clean 

Ugh why is this so awkward?

Why am I so awkward?

How long are we going to be dancing for?

This is way more than the 30 seconds our teacher said it would be 

Uy what if he all of a sudden gets a major boner 

Like in the movie on Netflix Yes, God Yes! 

The poor boy said he warmed up like a microwave 

And here we are, super close…’

However, we didn’t step on each others toes 

And after a while I just let my head rest on against his 

The weird part? We were soon in sync 

The odd part?

That all through out romantic comedies I can almost bet that I’m not the only one that thinks 

‘Oh what if that were me’–then when it does happen 

I’m not supposed to be me 

I’m supposed to be the character I’m playing and be in the moment 

Who would have thought that after wanting to be the protagonist for so long 

I would feel so odd & awkward the day it happens

I guess that’s my major growth area 

To be the character 

To be present in the moment 

To simply be… 

Bionica  

Oh my Sock!

 Dear Sock Thief,

Who are you and why do you take my socks?

Seriously, I would like to know why

I thought that I made it a little challenging for you 

By washing them daily by hand

Staying away from the possibility that a sock or two could get swallowed by a mysterious black hole in the washing machine

Or that the dryer could spin it to shreds leaving only fibers of what once was an odd shaped foot warmer 

But no, it just so happens that after hanging my socks to dry and leaving them for days in the bathroom 

For a day when I remember to use them 

That they’re GONE!!!!

JUST GONE!!!

Where do you take them?

What is the point of holding them hostage?

Will they ever grace the heel of my feet again in an effort to keep my feet warm all year long?

Sock thief what do you do with them and why?

Do you have a secret society where people use them to stuff lumpy pillows that were once fluffy?

Or do you take them to dogs that need a play thing to keep from chewing on a shoe or the edge of a table?

Or maybe you save them as a scratch post for adventurous cats that want to play with something elastic that has the power to stretch and become small again, almost like a slinky 

Sock thief-will you ever tell me?

Will you ever stop borrowing with out returning?

Not just for me but for the many people that stay on watch hoping to keep their matching socks together 

I’ll be here, looking out for you and your swift little feet… 

Bionica

All for Today

It often happens that as she worries about tomorrow and the day after

She loses touch of today 

And all of a sudden she loses grasp of what may be at hand 

A brand new day full of wonder and possibility 

It all gets lost to what can turn in to rapid breaths that if she isn’t careful 

Can escalate to wheezing in search for life 

For that which keeps us alive 

And all because she couldn’t focus on today 

But it happens and sometimes rather often 

She doesn’t always know how to make it stop 

But she’s trying 

To take it one day at a time 

And when she feels that tomorrow is closing in on her 

She realizes that she has to make an effort 

That she has to open her eyes facing the sun 

Forcing them to close and feel the warmth on her face 

Because that’s part of today 

The feeling of warmth emitted by that ball of fire that doesn’t burn 

Created by Elohim, a testament to His greatness 

And when the warmth envelopes her, she breathes in slowly 

Taking in the scent’s she didn’t notice before 

Feeling the breeze as it plays with her hair 

Hearing the wind as it whispers to the trees 

All for today 

All for today…

Bionica 

To Sit for the Breakup

So in Judaism, Shiva is a week long period of mourning the loss of a first degree relative 

Through out this week mourners are comforted and it’s a time in which you’re basically processing all that’s going on 

And so I think 

What if there were a Shiva for breakup, or at least on observation similar 

See when you breakup with someone there is a gaping whole 

A vastness that can sometimes feel like a violent vacuum sucking at your heart 

Making your chest heave as you somehow try process everything at once 

But you can’t because there is so much going on 

All at once 

But what if you were to really take the time to sit down and mourn?

To really look at everything that happened in the relationship 

Rightfully being sad and hurt 

Receiving welcomed comfort from your friends 

Who instead of telling you to get over your partner that wasn’t all that great 

Would simply be there to hold your hand, tie your hair back and wipe the tears from your face 

It may sound a little dramatic

But in all seriousness a breakup can be dramatic as much as it is traumatic 

We’re all humans but we’re all different, however I’ve noticed one thing 

The love is the most important energy for all of us 

So to feel a love re-charge when we feel that we’ve lost so much 

Well it may do us more than good 

It may do us just right 

To know that it’s ok to take it all in and just look at things 

How they were, how they are now and process it all is a big part of moving forward

Sometimes during a breakup people will make it their duty to forget and move forward 

And I wonder, ‘does it really help?’ or ‘does it make it worse?’

To act as if it never happened? 

Well then what happens with all the good things that were lived during that period?

All those memories and learning experiences didn’t just disappear 

They become part of the thread that makes us who we are

And to take the time to acknowledge all that happened 

Look at it, take the time to sit and cry 

Deciding after a time to get back up and move forward 

Well it makes all the difference 

So here’s to sitting for those breakups…

Bionica