I’ve turned 28 a couple of times and have done a lot of thinking and self discoveries along the way
Like how for example once upon a time I thought that I wanted to be married with a career and children by the ripe age of 24
24! Can you believe it? Me, wanting all those things when I barely had a grasp on life and it’s meaning and all it entails
It didn’t happen the way I thought I wanted and for that I am grateful
See, at this point marriage is no longer something that I want
I said it aloud to a man and I think he was surprised
I haven’t said it to my best friend and I’m a little scared to
See I don’t want to have that conversation with her on how certain things should be experienced…
Granted I don’t have the same experiences as her but that’s ok
I’m more than ok with the things that I have experienced and learned and the conclusions that I have come to
Now, my goal in life is to be happy and full of self love
It’s what I really want and desire for myself
Because once I have these two very important things, nothing else will matter
Because I am treating myself like the queen that I am with appreciation for my being and of course Love with a capital L
But a lot of people may misunderstand me and say that I don’t know what I’m talking about or that love comes with a family and children of my own
Perhaps for them, but not for me
At least, not anymore
What good is a relationship with another human being when there are parts of me that need major healing? How would I be able to show up for someone else and perform for the role when I am unsure of where I stand?
I’m sure that I could, but not in my very best way
My very best way to begin anything is understanding the reason as to which I hurt the way I hurt and learning why I bleed the way I bleed to ensure that I keep my pain on that train to healing to evolve and turn it into something else
It’s imperative for me to achieve a level of self growth that will allow me to look forward to each day knowing that there is no rush because everything is going at the pace it’s supposed to the way that it’s supposed to
And so when asked if I want to get married I have two choices, lie and get that ‘oh don’t worry you will find someone’ accompanied with a little bit of pity or reply with the truth and say ‘oh, I don’t want to get married’
I prefer to work on myself and avoid expressing my unhealed parts on another of human that came to this earth to receive unconditional love that brings joy
But that may bring forth some strange looks and avoidance of conversation
So I’ll just keep a look of question on my face and say ‘well, you know–it would be nice…’
As I think to myself ‘why would I want to get married?’
