Al hacer

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te entregaría algo de mi 

Mi alma

No entera, no completa pero un pedacito de ella 

Te entregaría mi corazón 

No entero, no completo pero unos latidos y mi amor 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Estaria desnuda frente a ti 

Vieras mi cuerpo tal y como es 

Lo que amo y lo que aveces quisiera amar mas 

Pero también desnudaría mi alma frente a ti 

Estaría tan vulnerable 

Pero no sentiría miedo 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Intercambiaría mi energía con la tuya 

Te daría mis estrellas, mi luna y mi sol 

No todo, no por completo pero algo 

Y a cambio aceptaría tus estrellas, tu luna y tu sol 

Al hacer el amor contigo 

Te miraré a los ojos y con ellos decirte cosas dulces 

Te abrazaré junto a mi cuerpo y sentiré tu corazón junto al mío 

Al hacer el amor contigo te daría algo muy puro de mí 

Algo que nadie mas ha visto 

Algo que nadie mas ha sentido 

Guardado tan solo para tí 

Y por eso, hoy te lo escribí 

-Bionica 

Dear Dominican Men

 This is my letter to the Dominican men that know nothing about hair and perhaps colorism 

As a kid I remember praying to wake up one day and be completely different 

With out a curl to my hair and a name like Melissa 

I wanted to be just like everyone else and tried so hard 

I wanted to fit in and be accepted

So I would fawn over the Pantene commercials that showed women with long, silky straight hair that fanned out as they shook their head

I wanted to be a chica Mirta 

Because if you ran your fingers through their hair there wouldn’t be a snag

I felt so free with my hair loose in a big pajón when my mom would let me

It was as if no one could catch me and I could finally be free 

But then I would get excited for the Just For Me hair relaxer that would leave me tender headed with chemical burns all over my scalp

Because ‘el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones’ (she who wants nice hair has to endure the pain)

I didn’t like it when my mom braided my hair

I just wanted it to be straight and loose

So when the time came I made sure to be at the salon religiously every two weeks

I would let the women pull my hair and fry my scalp and brush it after so that I could be a real Chica Mirta (whatever that means)

I worked so hard to have best hair in high school but it didn’t happen and somehow I wasn’t disappointed 

Once my mom added a track (extensions) to my forever shoulder length hair 

I got so many compliments with it

I could let believe it

I was feeling myself 

But then something happened

I went to the water park shortly after getting my hair relaxed

When my hair got wet someone asked ‘quién se desrizó?’ (who relaxed their hair?) 

I wanted to die

See when you wash your hair after relaxing it

It smells like sulfur, an egg salad you don’t want to eat 

So after that I wasn’t feeling like too much of a treat

That same year I was uptown with my friend

In desperate need of a touch up

My roots were kinky and the rest straight

I walked by a Dominican man that said ‘la que ta peiná’ (the one with her hair done)

How sweet of him to gently hurt my ego 

That was the last time I straightened my hair 

I went to Spain nervous that I wouldn’t be able to last the 5 weeks with my hair looking nice

It lasted for a bit 

I found a fellow black girl to do my hair 

It wasn’t the same 

I held it back with colored scarves to cover my shame

Then my straight and wavy haired friends encouraged me to leave my hair as it was 

And I did

They didn’t laugh 

They didn’t say I should do this or that 

They simply accepted me and liked me as I was 

But I kept on straightening my hair

The ladies at the salon hated me because I put them to work 

One told me that she had to take a ‘calmante’ (pain killer) after blow drying my hair—ouch 

Sometimes I would be asked if I was a church girl because apparently if we have a love for G-d we no longer care for our hair 

The comments at the salon weren’t usually encouraging

It was constantly about trying to change me 

So I stopped going

And boy was it hard

Years later I’m still trying to navigate what’s best for my hair

I’m always looking for a better way to keep these curls hydrated 

One day may be amazing and another may be screaming out for moisture 

Deep instense moisture and love

I’m working on it

Sometimes I braid my hair because it is a protective style 

My hair feels more cared for when I braid it

When I don’t braid it and let it air dry some might think that my hair hates me

Tightening up so much as not to let the finest comb in

But I think my hair is really protecting me so as not to let anything but love in 

But Dominican men don’t see this or understand this 

They don’t know the struggles on our head to make sure these locks feel right 

They think it’s abandonment and carelessness of the self 

When in reality it comes down to embracing the beauty of being black 

With curls in my hair that I shouldn’t hide

Because when I try to

I just doesn’t come out right 

So now I just let it be

But not everyone will see 

Just how happy it makes me

-Bionica 

¿Cómo decirte?

Como decirte, que me gustan tus canas 

Decirte que me gustaría pasar mis dedos por tu pelo plateado y dejártelo desarreglado luego de haberte besado 

Como decirte que me gusta la manera que tus brazos me acercan a tu cuerpo tanto que sientes mis suspiros como si fueran tuyos 

Como decirte que me encanta la manera en que tu barba roza mi mejilla cuando te acercas y me das un beso 

Como decirte que me gusta que sabes exactamente lo que quieres 

El hecho de que seas un hombre decidido me atrae 

Y la manera en en que tus labios saben exactamente como besarme al acercarse con delicadeza y decirme que me deseas 

Me llena de alegría ver como tus ojos brillan al hablar con tus hijos 

Me gusta escucharte hablar con ellos porque la felicidad que emites es contagiosa 

Pero lo que pasa es que no quiero que me gusten esas cosas de ti porque me da miedo 

Me da miedo que me gustes demasiado y luego saber que no eres mío 

Me da miedo que me gusta la manera en que me miras 

Y me da miedo saber que quieres besarme cuando yo quiero sentirte 

-Bionica

Toxic Masculinity

Toxic Masculinity
It’s a thing perhaps in the latino culture that we just brush to the side and ‘think nothing of it’
But working with Dominican men I hear things all the time 
Things that are not ok and yet these men find it funny or absolutely normal 

Makes me fee like I have to stand on a soap box with a megaphone letting people know what’s going on 

And yet some just keep on walking by at times while I’m saying what I have to say because I feel strongly about what’s going on 

Like I’m in a loop where I’m the only one that sees certain things apparently and others may think I’m weird or crazy 

Perhaps a little bit of both and maybe I am 

I cannot tell 

May be you can 

So while I’m at work this the conversation seems to turn to me and how I should act towards men 

Because as a woman in 2022 we have the power to make men bend to our will & call or so I’m told 

However I don’t know of a man that I want to personally do my bidding if I’m honest 

And then it was said ‘man if I were younger I would impregnate you and then leave you!’ 

What on the good Lord’s green earth is that?

How does another human being think this let alone say it out loud and other men are silent which lets me know that apparently they agree 

It should not be so challenging to be of the female gender yet some men really are d!cks! 

The fact that a man would even be so vile to want to hurt a woman by abandoning her with his child on purpose is mind-blowing 

Why would you want to do that ON PURPOSE???

What goes through this man’s mind to think this through? 

What does he gain out of making someone endure the physical changes that come with pregnancy, childbirth and then want this woman to raise a child on her own just because?

This is an act of violence against a woman any way you look at it by the simple fact that this man uses something that’s supposed to be beautiful (welcoming life into this world) into an act of pain and suffering knowing how hard it is to be a single mother

Why????

What is it with men?

How do they not realize that they were born from a mother? 

A woman carried them and nurtured them in their womb! 

And yet they know not how to value the amazing sex that is FEMALE 

Mind boggling and preposterous at the same time

No cliff hangers, just thoughts of wonder on how this happens…

-Bionica

Amor

I think that as human beings we are designed to love
This is why many of us probably seek out relationships
We are hoping to feel that wave of warmth that escalates when with someone–a really good someone

But not everyone is right for us or even for themselves at a given moment

And so when this happens there is a domino like effect of what maybe brief pleasure followed by ongoing sadness, upset and what have you

And sometimes anger...

We become angry that someone isn’t the person we want them to be and vive versa

So it’s like we’re stuck in this loop of dislike and we don’t know why

But I think it’s because many times we lack the patience and self discipline to wait for what’s right

In a world where everything is instant, the waiting game isn’t a favorite of many

But at times, when played well, the results make us forget the time spent

At least that’s what some people say

Oh, and it doesn’t have to be romantic eros love either

Sometimes we don’t even get any parental love 

And so we search for kindness in others but don’t always find it 

And when we do, we may want to simply hold on to it for always & evermore 

It happens because we have an innate need to give love and receive it

I just don’t understand what happens to make us forget about love

After all, everything comes back to love

The way we act, the things we lack and try to make up for—it’s all because of love or the absence of such 

Crazy how something we can’t exactly see, is what we are constantly searching for

Grasping on to slivers of faith with hopes that we will find it. 

-Bionica

Aparte

It wasn’t a break-up because they weren’t together 

It was more of a hook-up 

Two people coming together perhaps precisely for that reason 

To make each other reach a peak that they hadn’t before or at least not in a while 

Nonetheless, the break-up of the hook-up was sudden although expected 

Sudden because there were no words communicated to indicate that a sudden halt was coming 

An abrupt stop that would make the tea sets on any moving train rattle if they didn’t shatter upon reaching the floor

Their floor? Hunter green sheets of a polyester blend most likely

Smelling of a laundry detergent I couldn’t decipher with a softness that went unnoticed during the course of events 

Where everything just ended there 

Upon a plush mattress simply holding two people together 

Maybe having them sink within before coming together to move apart once again 

The results on the symbolic floor of a mattress were not what either expected but perhaps more than they thought 

That sometimes two people are just best apart while forming part of something greater in life 

Coming together to point out small things that only they can see so that later on they could show it to the rest of world 

Making the lens of the kaleidoscope different and all the more interesting 

Just because…  

-Bionica

Palabras No Dichas

 No te voy a decir que cada vez que tomo pienso en ti o que me emborracho en tu nombre 

No te lo voy decir porque no hace falta 

No te lo voy a decir porque hay muchas cosas que tu aun no me has dicho aunque falten por decir 

Pero hablando sola me pregunto ¿porqué no has hablado conmigo?

¿Porqué no me has buscado cuando tuviste el tiempo? 

¿Porqué le sigo dando vueltas a lo de nosotros en mi cabeza? 

Yo pensando que estaba mal

Yo pensando que hice algo malo y que tal vez por eso te fuiste 

Pero la verdad es que no fue algo mío pero tal vez algo tuyo y de los dos 

Tal vez tu fallo fue no hablar y contarme lo que pensabas y lo que sentías 

Tal vez tu fallo fue el no ser honesto contigo y conmigo 

Si hubiéramos hablado mas otra cosa sería pero ¿y ahora qué? 

¿Qué nos toca?

Ahora ¿qué hacemos?

¿Ahora qué hago con esos mensajes que me no me has mandado con el teléfono en la mano y el whisky en la mesa, con los ojos cerrados pensando en nosotros? 

¿Ahora qué hago cuando escuche ‘Volverte A Ver’ y no pueda tocar otra canción?

No te lo voy a decir porque tal vez ni tu mismo sepas 

Lo que vas sentir y aun no contarme… 

Bionica