Slave

A slave to my mother 

She carried me for months regardless if she was ready to or not 

And when I was ready, I made my way, not thinking of the pain she was feeling in the process 

Rather selfish now that I think of it, but it was all I knew 

Myself within her, breathing through her, communicating through her 

Everything through her 

It became her duty to teach me everything she wanted me to know 

It became her duty to mold me into the person she wanted to be 

But somewhere along, she lost her way 

She lost sight of what was best 

She lost sight of what was needed 

Having knowledge of what she did, she made a conscious effort to set it all aside 

Things were going to change 

Things were going to be different 

She would not be like the others 

And neither would I 

She constantly made note that all she did was for me 

To become independent and stand on my own 

To make my way in the world without the need of her as my crutch 

But it was not so 

She was too hurtful, she caused too much pain 

All that she knew was falsely intertwined 

It was a love to pretend 

A love of the self and for the self 

But not of health 

The teachings meant to be good and full 

Were in reality frayed like the edges of fabric 

Stemming from the same place and opening up in a direction that leads nowhere 

If pulled it would for sure break down the home from which it came 

But to go out all alone would be suicide 

Throwing a snip of thread to get lost in nothingness 

Similar to what she taught me 

That I had to go go go but whenever I tried tried tried 

She would pull me back and tear some more telling asking if I saw what I was doing to her 

Breaking her down repeatedly with my bad behavior 

It had all become a tug of war 

One in which each tug in which ever direction was enough to throw everything in a frenzy 

As I learned more and more I realized that all of which she wanted, was not for me, but perhaps for her 

She was quite conscious of what made her feel 

Losing all notion of anyone else 

Losing sight of what was right and what may be intelligent 

Her grace was enough to teach you a little but not enough so that you would always have to go back 

But if you happened to ask, well then you would never know 

Why should she teach you? Why would she tell you anything?

At any given point in time you should know what she didn’t tell you 

At any given point in time, you would move forward and then have to pull back 15 steps 

Because you didn’t know where you were going 

It gave her glee to know she was pulling the strings and she would hold me back 

With confusing kindness to shield me away from all that would hurt 

To ensure that I would stay 

To ensure that I would lose sight of any necessary tool to go away 

To make sure that I knew nothing beyond what she taught me 

And only seek what she could show me