The Creative

In the opening scenes of 101 & One Dalmations 

She clearly remembers a man burning music sheets 

He was burning the music sheets because he needed to stay warm 

He was an artist 

A starving artist at that 

A man dedicated to his craft so much that he forgot about all else

Simply focusing on what set his soul on fire

That man was a romantic 

Creatives are romantics 

Because as one dedicates their time and energy to their craft 

The realities of life swirl by coming out in the final product 

But the final product is seen as beautiful 

The brush strokes of pain and hurt become a masterpiece 

Romantics 

If you ask me are hurt many times

Life happens and the emotions are escalated so many times

It’s not just happiness but extreme bliss

It isn’t just hurt but excruciating pain 

No in-between 

And many times 

The moments of hurt last much longer than the happy ones

Because in search for happiness there are bouts of rejection that seem to tear at the soul 

But in dedication to the craft of art 

A creative keeps going 

Wiping tears on a canvas that is yet to be completed 

Standing back to see the work that holds a whole story 

But to the viewer, the story isn’t always seen or felt 

Because the focus is on the beauty of the outcome 

The hurt lingers for a little bit 

But it goes away 

It gets taken away but the oohs and ahs of the onlookers changing the landscape 

The flow of energy 

Because it’s strong 

The vibes are strong 

When first seeing the work some may feel it 

The very thing that caused the heart of the artist to pump so quickly in heaving sobs

But after some time 

It is simply a topic of conversation 

Like Van Gogh 

Upon looking at his work we know his story of torment 

But it is no longer felt 

Just another explanation for his actions such as when he physically hurt himself and did a self portrait 

All for love 

The romantic creative

Full of hurt from life and a joie to vivre at the same time 

The artist 

The expresser of both love & pain 

Bionica

 

Dream a little...

She had been there for more than a year 

And there had been a change 

A change that became stagnant over time like water in a closed bottle 

Out in the sun 

It didn’t didn’t drain, it just stayed there 

Getting hot and maybe cold and then hot again 

Becoming unhealthy 

You see

Things got hard 

She didn’t think they would ever get so hard 

But they did

She felt herself get lost and almost ice over 

As if her soul was fading away the way the night does right before dawn 

She never thought it was possible 

To lose herself the way she almost did so many times before 

But this time the labyrinth was just too deep 

And she forgot to even look for the door 

She forgot that there was a door 

Or at least a way out 

That’s what it felt like working there

As if everything was just lost 

And knowing this 

Her hope faded and she stopped dreaming 

She stopped feeling 

She felt herself go numb, becoming an empty shell 

Like a person that just lets themselves get taken over by the water 

No longer reaching out for air 

She started to fall 

Not at all like the person that first pulled open the door ready for her first day of work 

The brightness she once had was gone 

The place was dimming her light and she knew it 

She wasn’t physically the same 

Each day was monotonous because she lost her hope for a better day 

For a better tomorrow 

She knew things weren’t going to change 

The false hope she was given became a bitter reality of the truth 

That nothing was going to change

She couldn’t keep going 

She was tired of just being 

So she decided to create her own space and turn away 

It could have been hard or it could have been easy 

She had no idea and no longer cared

She just wanted to leave 

She didn’t have a plan 

She didn’t know where to go next 

What to do 

Or where to even start 

But she didn’t care 

She knew she just couldn’t stay there 

So she walked away 

And the hope started to come back 

Because she had something to look forward to 

Like not having to go back to the toxic job that felt like cyanide slowly taking her strength 

The color was coming back to her 

Filling her soul with the rainbow that appears after the rainstorm 

And she could feel her soul smile when the corners of her lips turned up exposing her pearly whites

It had to happen 

A decision to choose herself 

And it wasn’t always understood 

Some might say that she wasn’t in the right mind set letting a job make her feel the way it did 

But some people probably never felt as if their soul was fading everyday as they dragged their body to work 

Perhaps because they don’t know about self care 

Perhaps because they expect others to do the same and just be there 

It wasn’t healthy 

At least not for her 

She knew it 

But she wasn’t sure if anyone else did

So she became her own cheerleader 

Working over time to remind herself that it was ok to let go 

How else could she accept the possibility of all that was to come 

Good things too

Bionica

Married?!

 I’ve turned 28 a couple of times and have done a lot of thinking and self discoveries along the way 

Like how for example once upon a time I thought that I wanted to be married with a career and children by the ripe age of 24

24! Can you believe it? Me, wanting all those things when I barely had a grasp on life and it’s meaning and all it entails 

It didn’t happen the way I thought I wanted and for that I am grateful 

See, at this point marriage is no longer something that I want 

I said it aloud to a man and I think he was surprised 

I haven’t said it to my best friend and I’m a little scared to

See I don’t want to have that conversation with her on how certain things should be experienced… 

Granted I don’t have the same experiences as her but that’s ok 

I’m more than ok with the things that I have experienced and learned and the conclusions that I have come to 

Now, my goal in life is to be happy and full of self love 

It’s what I really want and desire for myself 

Because once I have these two very important things, nothing else will matter

Because I am treating myself like the queen that I am with appreciation for my being and of course Love with a capital L

But a lot of people may misunderstand me and say that I don’t know what I’m talking about or that love comes with a family and children of my own 

Perhaps for them, but not for me 

At least, not anymore

What good is a relationship with another human being when there are parts of me that need major healing? How would I be able to show up for someone else and perform for the role when I am unsure of where I stand?

I’m sure that I could, but not in my very best way 

My very best way to begin anything is understanding the reason as to which I hurt the way I hurt and learning why I bleed the way I bleed to ensure that I keep my pain on that train to healing to evolve and turn it into something else 

It’s imperative for me to achieve a level of self growth that will allow me to look forward to each day knowing that there is no rush because everything is going at the pace it’s supposed to the way that it’s supposed to 

And so when asked if I want to get married I have two choices, lie and get that ‘oh don’t worry you will find someone’ accompanied with a little bit of pity or reply with the truth and say ‘oh, I don’t want to get married’ 

I prefer to work on myself and avoid expressing my unhealed parts on another of human that came to this earth to receive unconditional love that brings joy 

But that may bring forth some strange looks and avoidance of conversation 

So I’ll just keep a look of question on my face and say ‘well, you know–it would be nice…’

As I think to myself ‘why would I want to get married?’

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica 

These Bosses...

I debated about this for a while 

Do I say anything or do I just put it off?

And by saying anything I mean write

So I decided to write

I have worked as a media producer in the radio field in the past 

Putting together a show for a host looking up as much information as possible 

Some days I found better things than others 

It was a day to day thing 

I couldn’t control what articles were going to come out in cosmo that the host would be fond of 

The host didn’t understand that 

The host wanted more effort on my behalf and it was my job to supply the demand 

It was a short shift of 4 hours that was 1 hour short of the commute I had to get there

Who in there right mind would do this?

Well a lot of people

See there is this thing about paying your dues and working your way up 

Apparently that’s also interwoven with being underpaid and it’s a known fact that is just accepted 

The employee does this willingly with the hopes to one day move up and do better 

I guess that many things in life are like this 

You take what you can get until you get to where you want to be 

And not all days were bad 

One of the perks was definitely meeting different people that came in for interviews 

A celebrity crush every once in a while with whom a selfie was granted 

Still I would have days in which I would ask myself what am I doing?

How is this helping me?

And then one day, I was let go 

The product of a company cutback 

It hurt a little, but it was for the best 

Because I just wasn’t going anywhere doing what I was doing 

I felt that I was putting in so much effort for someone else that wasn’t me 

And if I had worked on my personal projects the way I did as a producer

Well then things would have been slamming’ 

But I didn’t and the being let go turned out to be a good thing 

But not good enough because apparently I still hadn’t learned 

I was approached by the same host I worked for about 2 years after 

To produce from home and when asked I remember thinking ‘please don’t forget to pay me’ 

However I didn’t say anything 

I should have 

Because the host is as talented as the host is forgetful 

I was forgotten by this host that simply wanted my me to supply the demand 

Forgetting that my work adds a lot of value to her 

And would forget to pay me rather often and the point came in which I had to speak up 

Pointing out that there was a balance due of weeks and that I couldn’t continue to work without getting paid 

Instead of taking a step back to say, you’re right I’m sorry I haven’t been on top of things 

I got a ‘you know how I am all over the place’ 

It made me feel as if I was wrong in asking for that for which I worked for 

It made me question if I should have just kept on producing to be more understanding 

But I wasn’t wrong in doing so 

Another week came and I asked for a follow up payment that never came 

And neither did a message of acknowledgment that it was received 

That my work had any value 

I learned what I tried to hide 

That some people have no personal regard for others 

It’s all about what they can get for themselves

They choose with whom and when they want to communicate because it’s their game 

The ball is in there court and they decide who gets it 

And it sucks 

It really does because sometimes I would make excuses to try and understand 

But in reality, there is no excuse 

Being ignored by a supposed employer for asking that your work is valued 

Is completely wrong 

For the employer to act as if they can’t see or hear you is not ok 

It is not professional and shows disregard for human decency 

But not everyone will see it 

Some just see the limelight and not the shadows

But I’m sure I’m not the only one

Producers know, personal assistants know 

Some bosses are just selfish and inconsiderate 

But only the brave will dare to put on some Lizzo, break out the Coconut Oil 

To walk away from the horrible bosses and run to self love… 

Bionica

Love

Not everyone remembers things from when they were a kid

But I remember being sandwiched between my parents because I didn’t want to sleep alone 

And asking God to make me white 

I remember asking to have a name like Melissa or Cindy that was easy to say and couldn’t get messed up 

I remember a girl saying she didn’t want to be my friend because of a dark birthmark that I have 

Once I got jealous when my cousin told me she used Pantene Pro V because it meant that her hair was going to be like the girl in the commercial 

Long, thick and straight waving out like a fan when she would shake her head-just like the commercial

I remember that the top of the bottle had a gold band and for a time it was what I wanted most 

To have my hair washed with Pantene Pro V equaled beauty to me 

It meant that my hair would be straight and luxurious 

See, I have been in a perpetual fight with the comb & hair brush for as long as I could remember

The best days were when my mom would let my pajón out in full force 

It meant that I was free 

No one to tug on my hair to make me cry while trying to untangle it 

And when I got just for me I thought I was the hottest girl ever 

Yes, this girl was able to run her fingers through her hair and they would slide right through 

There was no getting caught in tangled knots for me 

Then the grown up relaxer came in and I felt it

The way the chemicals would burn through my scalp and leave scabs that made brushing my hair bumpy 

The way my hair would smell like an egg salad that went bad the first time I would wash my hair after having it chemically straightened 

But it was all part of the el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones (if you want nice hair, you have to take the pulling & tugging) process

Because after the relaxer was washed out it was time for the rollers to be set 

An hour under the hair dryer that my friend’s sister rightfully coined the Dominican torture chamber 

One for BDSM though-because as women we submit to it willingly… 

The hour under the secadora would turn my face red, I would fall asleep and then someone would loosen the rollos only to tell me that my hair needed more time so I would be there for an hour and half

After all it was time to straighten the hair via blow dryer 

The stylist would always offer a towel to cover my ears and prevent them from getting burned with all the hot air 

An act of kindness in all that candela 

My hair would get pulled on and I would constantly hear no muevas la cabeza (don’t move your head)

After all that was done the hair would look beautiful to be wrapped up in a tuvi kept in place with a redecilla (hair net)

But when I would go to school the next day, the girl in jr high that the boys didn’t like would have nice hair 

The boys might turn here and there giving her ego a boost 

I felt like finally I was getting somewhere 

But in all that time I didn’t think about how all this was part of my not liking myself 

See I wanted to change the very things that I love so much today

And during a trip across to Spain, I learned from my friends with pelo bueno to embrace the wildness of my hair and it felt so freeing to just let it be 

Shortly after that I decided that I wasn’t going to chemically straighten my hair anymore 

And let me tell you that the ladies at the salon were not having it 

They kept on asking why I was deciding to do this–perhaps more to them than to me 

Because one woman told me that she had to take an Advil after blowdrying my hair because her arm hurt 

Sometimes I would get asked if I was cristiana because I suppose that hair and religion go hand in hand

I remember walking through 163 in The Heights with my Peruvian friend with long wavy hair and a Dominican man clearly made a comment about la que ta peiná (the one that has hair done) 

I don’t know if she caught that but it stung 

It stung so bad to know that no one in my community would ever say a positive thing about staying true to oneself 

And although I stopped chemically straightening my hair I would still get it straightened at the salon 

Until one day I decided it was time for me to be happy 

See going to the salon was a chore that I never enjoyed 

Having to wait for my stylist to wash my hair, set the rollers, go under the dryer and blow dry it

It was never fun 

Some days I would get bumped if someone was there with pelo bueno that would be quicker to style 

It was almost as if I was being punished for something I had no control over-for being born a certain way 

So I stopped going to the salon 

The struggle continued as I am still learning to work with the best products suited for my hair 

I prefer to keep it in braids because it’s just easier 

But when I let it all out, I gotta say–this puti becomes a show stopper

The very thing that I was embarrassed by as a kid is what so many non-Dominicans love about me 

It’s amazing! 

I had gone on vacation to Greece and somehow forgot to bring a hair brush and a comb 

But it didn’t even matter 

I finger brushed the hair and no one even cared 

The cute guy from the restaurant in Mykonos was just bummed that I was leaving the next day 

Not because my hair lacked gel or mousse 

And so I have learned that in all this process a little encouragement from my mom would have gone a long way 

A little love as a kid wold have made all the difference in all the time lost doing something I didn’t even like 

But that’s how life is 

Experience is the best teacher 

I have learned that it all starts from the inside 

Just because my mother didn’t know how to teach self love 

That doesn’t mean I can’t learn it and hope to share it with others 

Including my former co-worker that recently made a comment about how I should straighten my hair if so that I could have looked nice for the Christmas party 

Oh yes he did say that 

And yes he is Dominican 

But I learned that his comments although he may not think they mean anything 

Show that he has a lot to learn about love 

And I think that is a major thing in the world today 

To learn all about love 

And the beauty it can do 

The good things it births 

Because as The Beatles once said All you need is love

Bionica

PS I love being morena 

And make sure to put on the SPF before sun because you already know, safety first ;)

Self to Love

Sometimes she thought about all she wanted as a kid 

To have someone hold her hand 

To have someone accept her perspective 

Understanding that difference is beautiful 

That she will forever be beautiful 

But the world worked quite differently 

It wasn’t allowed to pick out the cards most liked 

It allowed to learn from the best and worst cards dealt 

To take in everything possible before picking another card 

Before making another move…

Something she sometimes lost sight of 

Because she just didn’t know what it was about 

She felt lost 

Like Alice down the rabbit hole 

She didn’t know where she was going or what she was supposed to look for 

There were no signs indicating what to do 

It was something she had to figure out on her own 

In her own time 

Even if it meant going around in circles until the lines became straight 

A door would open up and she would realize that she had to go around it a few times to see it 

It’s all part of the process 

The healing that she very much needed

Bionica