Married?!

 I’ve turned 28 a couple of times and have done a lot of thinking and self discoveries along the way 

Like how for example once upon a time I thought that I wanted to be married with a career and children by the ripe age of 24

24! Can you believe it? Me, wanting all those things when I barely had a grasp on life and it’s meaning and all it entails 

It didn’t happen the way I thought I wanted and for that I am grateful 

See, at this point marriage is no longer something that I want 

I said it aloud to a man and I think he was surprised 

I haven’t said it to my best friend and I’m a little scared to

See I don’t want to have that conversation with her on how certain things should be experienced… 

Granted I don’t have the same experiences as her but that’s ok 

I’m more than ok with the things that I have experienced and learned and the conclusions that I have come to 

Now, my goal in life is to be happy and full of self love 

It’s what I really want and desire for myself 

Because once I have these two very important things, nothing else will matter

Because I am treating myself like the queen that I am with appreciation for my being and of course Love with a capital L

But a lot of people may misunderstand me and say that I don’t know what I’m talking about or that love comes with a family and children of my own 

Perhaps for them, but not for me 

At least, not anymore

What good is a relationship with another human being when there are parts of me that need major healing? How would I be able to show up for someone else and perform for the role when I am unsure of where I stand?

I’m sure that I could, but not in my very best way 

My very best way to begin anything is understanding the reason as to which I hurt the way I hurt and learning why I bleed the way I bleed to ensure that I keep my pain on that train to healing to evolve and turn it into something else 

It’s imperative for me to achieve a level of self growth that will allow me to look forward to each day knowing that there is no rush because everything is going at the pace it’s supposed to the way that it’s supposed to 

And so when asked if I want to get married I have two choices, lie and get that ‘oh don’t worry you will find someone’ accompanied with a little bit of pity or reply with the truth and say ‘oh, I don’t want to get married’ 

I prefer to work on myself and avoid expressing my unhealed parts on another of human that came to this earth to receive unconditional love that brings joy 

But that may bring forth some strange looks and avoidance of conversation 

So I’ll just keep a look of question on my face and say ‘well, you know–it would be nice…’

As I think to myself ‘why would I want to get married?’

What You Already Know

 It happened quite some time ago, but there are moments that stay in our minds forever 

See it’s a cultural thing that is some how normal among my Dominican people

To visit psychics and have your cards read is a thing of camaraderie almost 

And so I remember going with my mom 

The first thing I was told was to refrain from letting the brujo know that we lived in the states 

The man is supposed to be a good Cuban burro-how does he not know where we live?

I wondered this and as I write it today, I can’t help but laugh–because it’s funny

So there I am in what seems to be a small container with only one room and although it was the early 2000s the man had a this old phone with the curly telephone wire that on top of that seemed so heavy it would make an excellent paper weight 

Suddenly the phone rang and he says ‘excuse me’  but I’m not supposed to know any English, dique…

The man lays out the cards and tells me yo veo un viaje- I see a trip in your near future

Um, well yes we were about to go home soon, probably that very week…

Something that I already knew and then apparently he did too 

Which has prompted me to wonder what the whole point was of paying someone to tell me things that I already knew 

What kind of game is that? Not a good one because I don’t really see the benefit of giving someone else money for what we will now both know

It’s a little annoying and tedious as a I think about it 

But for some people it’s the best thing ever 

To have someone relay things that you never thought anyone else knew 

Could it be that the brujo is a more accepted version of a therapist 

To pay someone to tell you things that may or may not be true while you listen intently and aghast because they tell you so much 

Kind of sounds like it, at least a little 

Oh and there was a doozy! 

The man tells me no vas a tener mucha suerte en el amor –you won’t be very lucky in love 

Well what is luck is exactly? Because although some people may consider it unlucky to be single, someone in a bad relationship may consider it the best luck ever 

This all comes down to your view on the situation and life 

It’s that seeing the glass half empty or half full mentality 

But to my mother this was not good 

She tried to say it wasn’t true because now she was psychic too and decided that she knew more than the handsome Cuban man she just paid to tell her some truths 

But you know what would be the even more difficult pill to swallow for her?

The fact that one day I would grow to not care about my relationship status because it meant that being in one is not a priority to me 

That is the biggest shock to her 

Because although romantic relationships may hold importance to her, it can be rather challenging to understand that they aren’t for her daughter 

It was the affirmation of what she already knew 

That her daughter’s alien thoughts would never be fully comprehended by her 

That her daughter’s radical way of thinking would just be too strange for her 

That her daughter could very well belong to someone else because she would never understand her 

And to the daughter 

Well she just took it all in stride 

Knowing well that somethings just weren’t meant to be understood… 

Bionica 

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica 

Jokes...

See the two of them have this joke they share in which she tells her aunt that she’s going to send her a boyfriend 

Her aunt usually giggles at the fact and quickly adds that she’s been waiting for a while now 

But recently her aunt told her that she needs to get it going and get a boyfriend of her own 

And it made her wonder what it is with people and wanting to tell others what to do with a life that isn’t their own 

Her aunt didn’t exactly say this jokingly, it was more on a note of you’re getting older and need to get yourself a partner 

And the thing is that her aunt isn’t the first person to make this not so subtle suggestion

Which makes her think of how people just think it’s an ok thing to do and cross lines that they might not make to much of but in reality as she thought about it, well it was a big thing 

See, it’s more than just finding a boyfriend 

It’s about finding a partner with whom you are able to open up to, show your open wounds and the ones that are still healing and trusting that this person is going to be there as you continue to heal 

It’s about finding someone that understands that way that your mind works and wants to learn more about it because it’s part of the magic that they see in you 

It’s about finding someone for whom you don’t have to translate your soul because there is this unspoken connection between the two that just flows intensely like a waterfall, coming together in a beautiful and very welcomed splash 

But not everyone sees that 

For some it’s about completing certain mandates that society encourages like a board game because those are simply the rules–without really giving thought to the person that is playing the game

She wonders if so many people have these strong feelings of wanting to tell others what to do with their lives because they want to have their go of controlling something and having it go their way 

Could it be a result of pent up frustration in not looking really looking within to live the life that they would love 

In living a life that they learned from their mistakes and took such experiences to make things better 

Or maybe it’s because they don’t want to look at their problems and find it easier to give orders 

Whatever the reason, it just becomes rather exhausting and as she realized certain things

She preferred to spend more and more time by herself 

Not because she didn’t like people, but because she preferred to simply surround herself with love 

She preferred to leave the judgmental thoughts of others out of her forcefield, she decided that other people could keep their need to control and unpleasant words to themselves 

If there was no need to come in contact with such things

Why would she?

Why would anyone?

Bionica 

True Story

I usually write things in a journal documenting details that I may or may not go back to physically while approaching them from time to time in my mind perhaps with a smile or a pensive look on my face to be understood only by me 

But there was one instance as to which I haven’t gone back to on paper but can still remember the major details and feelings of that day

Way back when the dinosaurs used to roam and I didn’t have a cellphone of my own, my cousin and I boarded the voladora and went with abuela to her second favorite store–after El Mundo, downtown she would be forever loyal to Value City 

So M and I went with her, it was right before I started college and I hadn’t yet turned 18 making M about 11 or 12 

She and I have always had a thing so much so that her sister may have been slightly hurt when I would outright call her my favorite

But that day became not about favorites, it was a day of survival–literally 

See we had roamed that Bergen Mall for what seemed like forever with abuela and then M and I had a thing and we just separated for what seemed like forever because it was 

After searching high and low I couldn’t find her nor abuela 

Then in the most dramatic way possible I saw that girl coming up on the escalator looking from left to right until our eyes met and her hands went up and then back down in an obvious moment of ‘finally!’ 

Yes, finally we were together at last but incomplete 

Where was abuela? In all our search we didn’t bump into her once

And as 2 out of 3 we eventually had to do something 

Approach a cute stranger with a large smile and ask him, ‘I’m sorry but would it be possible for you to lend us your phone?’

And that he did ever so kindly although I wonder if at first he thought it was a flirt because dude it wasn’t… we were literally stranded at the mall with no money for the bus even 

Having my aunt’s number embedded to memory like my kindergarten teacher taught me a few years before–yes this is a joke, maybe a bad one but still one nonetheless 

I called the tia having a point of meeting and when she found us it was this amazing feeling of yessss!!!! 

She went to save us and with a smile 

She hugged us in and when we got back abuela was already there!

Apparently her grand entrance back home was a silent one with a single wave of her hand signaling that she didn’t want to talk about it 

How at almost 18 and 11 or maybe 12 her 2 granddaughters managed to get lost in the mall and never thought of going to the makeup counter to call their party to meet 

But it happened and when it didn’t it was the furthest thing from funny 

Yet now I can’t even think about it with out a rumble of giggles threatening to burst out like skittles that spill over the floor because someone was too excited when they opened them 

That’s the thing about life’s moments 

Sometimes things happen and you wonder ‘when will it be over?’ or ‘how will this go?’ And it just so happens that it goes the way it’s supposed to 

Leaving an imprint of you will remember me forever and laugh 

And I like that because although abuela is no longer here to tell the story, I will always remember it and have that special story with M 

And that guy that lent me his phone, his letter is N and I saw him my first day of school as a freshman in college 

Go figure… A good deed that kept on giving because he was a friendly face to smile at when I didn’t know what would happen going into a University after graduating from a class of less than 50 students 

True story–and a good one at that 

Bionica 

Alone

They just couldn’t understand what happened

Their beloved little sheep was no longer following them 

Refusing to keep up with the herd 

She no longer sought the approval of the shepherd 

She was on a learning path hungry to know more 

Of what could be, of what was and of what is…

But all this knowledge was becoming too much for the flock 

They looked at her differently, not understanding 

Like Eve cast out of Eden for taking a bite out of the fruit from the tree of knowledge 

She was gaining the spots that went with rebellion 

As she came to realize that all she had known before wasn’t right 

And she had no reason to follow it or stand for it 

She understood that just because someone was family 

There still was not a reason to accept or enable what she didn’t believe in

For her it wasn’t about taking sides 

For her it was about doing what was right 

The patterns followed before didn’t have to continue 

Just because they became a legacy didn’t mean that they were good 

And she wanted good 

She wanted what would make her feel good to be free 

However she understood that her freedom didn’t come alone 

Like everything there was a price 

Her peace of mind would make her the black sheep 

The lost one to others who in reality found herself 

But she was ok with that 

She accepted her path and she knew her truth 

She was going to brush out her mats, carry a pic in her pocket 

Whenever she needed to be reminded of the light she held 

The light that took off like a rocket 

Bionica