Not the Boyfriend

If you ask her if she has a boyfriend it’s very likely that she may say no 

Because he isn’t her boyfriend 

He is her lover 

A man that she loves in more ways than one

But who?

Who is that man with whom she shares her dreams?

To whom she speaks of her love for the moon and the sun?

Who is this man that knows of the spells she casts and the chains she’s broken?

Who is it that makes her smile at the sound of his voice?

Who is the man at which her body simply succumbs to with a simple kiss?

Ask her of the man that adds color to her world 

The man that is her prince as he has made her his princess 

Just the two of them in their castle 

Ask of the man that fills the cup of her pleasure 

The man that enjoys seeing her next to him when he wakes up with her hair a mess as half of her body is covered by the blanket 

Who is this man that dreamed her up and brought her into his life 

The man that prays for her every morning and every night thanking G-d for the love that came into his life

Who is this man?

The man that makes her dream…

Bionica 

Life, motions & emotions

The other day 

A friend mentioned how without any emotions regardless if they’re happy or sad 

With out the love or the fights 

Life is just bland 

And it is 

It can be simple and monotone 

Because emotions add color 

Sometimes too much color that brings forth a sensory overload 

But that’s what life is, the ups & downs 

If there aren’t any lows you might not appreciate the highs 

But boy is it hard 

It can be exhausting sometimes 

Yet when there is nothing 

We truly do wish for something… 

Bionica 

El otro dia 

Un amigo hizo un comentario sobre la vida 

Que sin el enredo de los momentos tristes, felices, peleas & amor 

No hay vida 

Mas que la sencillez de la monotonía 

Porque las emociones le dan color a la vida 

Puede que aveces sea demasiada la estimulación de tantas emociones 

Pero así es la vida, un sube y baja 

En el que sin los momentos malos no se pueden agradecer los momentos buenos 

Uy pero como es difícil aveces 

Llega a ser algo que te deja exhaust@

Pero cuando no hay nada 

En realidad desearías que hubiera algo…

Bionica 

Y se acabó...

Llegó el día en el que se cansó de las pendejadas 

De querer alguien al que le importara 3 carajos 

Alguien que claramente le pesaba preguntar ‘¿cómo estás?’

Tan horrible le parecía preguntarle a la persona que supuestamente quería ‘¿cómo te sientes?’

Una persona con quien siempre ha podido contar

Por lo menos él con ella

Pero él nunca la tuvo en cuenta 

No mas para utilizar y aprovecharse de su bondad 

Porque sabía que no le podía decir que no 

Y por mas miel que él le echara esos ‘te quiero’ no tenían sabor por que eran falsos 

El querer no hace daño a terceros y si aun se piensa que es querer hiriendo a otro, entonces es penoso que no sepa lo que en realidad es querer 

Pero tenía que pasar 

¿De qué le sirvió?

De inspiración para esas cartas que no llegarían a sus manos 

Escritas a un fantasma que llegó a su vida para luego irse por su cuenta 

Y así toca la vida 

Vivencias que nos enseñan algo que tal vez se entienda luego 

Mientras pasa sencillamente se sienten emociones fuertes 

Pero después decimos ‘eso, me hizo mas fuerte’

Entonces aquí vamos a ser versátiles y fuertes para poder enfrentar todo sin quebrarnos 

Bionica 

Ghosted

 It had been 3 weeks and he never replied to her 

It was odd because for the most part he would always reply 

Kindly and rather friendly 

Never to take something out of context and he would always answer with sincerity 

So she found it odd that he purposely forgot her 

Strange… 

Because it’s not like they would even flirt here & there 

Just simply stay in contact and share some thoughts about life every once in a while 

Like running into a friend at the aisle in the supermarket 

You have a deep conversation every so often about life 

In front of the Ben & Jerry’s, contemplating philosophy and aliens…

But this time he dodged her, purposely turning to the produce aisle 

Getting lost between the lettuce and cucumbers 

Pretending he was engrossed between the romaine & ice berg 

And so she asked herself if there was something that she did 

Was there something that she said? Was there something that she missed?

But the reality is that there wasn’t 

She thought of others before him that had simply ignored her 

With out a reason

As she searched deep within wondering why…

Then it came to her

The question 

The one that changed things for her 

“Would you really want to be involved with someone that ignores you?”

She knew the answer 

Regardless of the situation or relationship

Communication, honesty and respect 

Key components in every relationship–at least to her 

But those that disappeared became ghosts willingly 

Because they wanted to and because they valued different things 

So as she valued herself

She scrolled left over the conversation

Pressed delete 

And left that person where they wanted to be 

Behind and away from her

And she kept on walking forward 

Bionica

Hair

 As she twisted the end of her hair into a high bun

She came to the realization that the most complicated relationship a woman will have j

Is not with a man, but with her hair 

How many times have women looked in front of the mirror with a brush or comb in hand 

On the brink of tears of frustration because their hair just wouldn’t cooperate

It’s this thing we have no control over because it honestly does what it wants to do 

Regardless of what women want 

Some women have hair so straight they really have few style options because if they curl it

Well it’s very likely that the hair will uncurl itself shortly after 

There have been times when the comb got tangled in her hair as she tried to straighten it

On another occasion–brace yourself, the comb broke!

Yes, it broke mid way as she was detangling her hair, conditioner and all 

But maybe there is a lesson to be learned thanks to hair 

First, be kind to yourself, condition and be gentle 

Those tight hairstyles that make your head hurt are not necessary 

If your hair, that free spirit it is with a made up mind doesn’t want to be styled differently 

Love it as it is 

Love yourself as you are 

Not everyone will appreciate your style for what it is, but if you do–your hair and your self 

Will be eternally grateful for it 

If you feel like crying because it’s just too much to deal with 

Cry, take a step back and really look at the situation 

What are you trying to change? Is it something that should remain as is?

Is it something that can be worked with differently?

What are the happy possibilities that won’t make you cry?

And if all else fails, just wear it the as is and call it a good hair day!

Make it a good day, at least for you

She had to give in, because that bun was not looking the way she wanted 

So she decided to go with a poof and use a headband for style 

And slowly the relationship got better 

They liked each other a little bit more

It worked!

And so does life… 

Bionica

Bearing it All

Sometimes when I write I feel like I’m baring it all for everyone to see

When you’re physically naked it’s like ok well that’s what it is 

But when it’s all emotional–there is just something else there 

Can swirl the butterflies a bit-yes it could be that I just made that up 

But here’s to swirling the butterflies and being a little naked 

Unzipping the jacket that covers the heart… 

Directed to a certain someone that shall remain nameless–

It’s something that I may not admit to you ever 

But maybe I did just fall in love with you after it was all over 

See I felt so many things at once 

It was a wave of emotions and something new that I couldn’t quite process yet

In my mind I had to wait 

I had to have more physical experiences with you 

Not just messages and FaceTime calls 

And when I was with you I felt loved 

Thinking about it now it was almost like a rom-com and we were the main characters 

The two that people are always rooting for because it seems so right 

But though it did 

My mind worked over time and just questioned things 

Asking myself ‘can this really be?’

Perhaps it could have 

It really could have 

But at a slower pace 

To really see how things could be 

But then life happened and the messages became less and less 

To the point that what I sent wasn’t lost in space, just left unanswered 

And I would have completely understood if you would have told me that you met someone 

I would have sent you well wishes because you’re great and you deserve it 

But you didn’t say anything 

And I respected and still do respect your silence 

With admiration for the relationship you have now 

Because I really do want you to be happy 

I feel that I could tell you I love you looking you straight in the eyes 

Not because I want you to overthink your relationship or push me away completely 

But because I genuinely want you to love 

To have that beautiful relationship that sprouts when two people meet and work together 

To make things better, learn from each other and continue growing every day in love and so many other good things 

However I won’t say that to you 

I won’t say anything at all 

I’ll let my words stay on a page 

Maybe say them one day, imagining that they reach your ears 

And that you know that I want you to be happy 

Feeling the love vibes that I’m sending you 

Knowing that its a different friendship between me and you…

Bionica 

The Dates

I didn’t tell anyone about it 

I didn’t even think about it 

I just did it without knowing anything 

I basically went in there blind without even knowing the age range of the guys in attendance 

But would it have really made a difference?

Would I have refrained from speed dating?

Probably not 

It was most helpful to know that 2 of my friends were there too 

The best part that is that I can talk to them about one of the guys and they would know exactly what I mean 

When we got to the restaurant my friend began scoping out the prospects

We were there on a mission and she wanted to make sure that her investment in a new lipstick was well worth it

And so while we waited, we speculated wondering if the older man in a cap was one of the daters

I kind of hope that the tall guy with the beard was a contestant but alas he wasn’t 

It was time to take a seat and start chatting 

The host told them men to start off with whom they were interested and there I was for about 2 minutes ALONE!!!

Waiting for someone to strike up conversation on our 5 minute date

It was so that I had to flag someone over 

And when he sat down he told me he was an actor 

I was fascinated because I’m taking some acting classes 

But then I felt like I had to make too much of an effort to keep the conversation going 

It didn’t feel right 

And my 2 friends agreed, he was a tough one 

Then there was the psychotherapist, an intelligent man indeed 

But man it was hard with his hot breath 

Someone tell Bruno that the dragon had to retire after this man talked 

Geez Louise, while we were in the car my friend asked if I wanted some gum and I told her later so that I could pop it in before talking to the guys 

Why didn’t this smart man think to do the same?

This is why it’s always good to go out with friends

Your friends will make the suggestions that you may simply forget… 

The nurse, a nice guy with good hair and glasses 

I liked talking with him and before he got up he looked me in the eyes and said 

‘I like your vibe’

I was so flattered and happy to hear that 

I checked him as a definite yes 

Then there were the 2 boys, friends, engineers and very young 

I had to ask if they were shy and one went to tell me that there are only 7 women at his office and that he is the youngest person there 

So I could totally agree how it could be a little challenging to meet someone 

I wanted to find someone so bad because he’s genuinely cool 

As was his friend the civil engineer that according to my friend, had no clue about the Notorious BIG

Yup!!! 

I mean I remember the girls that were supposed to be mermaids singing ‘biggie biggie biggie can’t you see…’

It was the first thing I learned 

But I guess some people are obviously missing out a little

The urologist, I totally got the I don’t have to tell you that I’m a Dr. because then you are going to be interested in me for my money vibe 

But he soon took the locks off the gate and we spoke about health and the importance of watching what you eat

He told me that it’s ok to go out to eat once in a while but when having a home cooked meal you know what it is that you are taking in 

He told me that he preferred to have the artificial sweeteners in a diet soda and not the high fructose corn syrup 

He had just come back from Cabo and brought back to sodas that he’s saving for a special occasion 

I’m just thinking, dude everyday is a special occasion

Drink that soda up 

What are you waiting for?

If it’s lunch put it on ice and say ah…

The coast guard  

Previously married planning to return to Miami within the next 4 years

So then why are you speed dating over here?

Tinder is what you need for the occasional hook up 

Dude these girls are over 30 looking for a potential mate that will not ask them to move to party city with heat and hurricanes 

Then there was one that I don’t remember what he does but the guy was prepared with a list of questions to ask such as what would you do with a billion dollars

It didn’t feel like a job interview but the third degree was interesting 

I was also asked what I liked to do and one guy said that it was a lot 

Well I want to know, what do you like to do?

Only 3 things and call it a life?

It’s a big world out there full of possibility and a variety of interests 

Why choose just one?

The accountant was nice and had a good smile 

I seriously thought about hooking him up with my friend because I feel like they would get a long 

But he didn’t check me off on his list so now we won’t know what could have been unless life decides to have them meet all on their own without even trying 

Finally there was a missionary that did so well on wall street that he retired and went on to work helping others 

Very noble of him to do but I had to tell him, I am not a Christian and then he said the he loved that 

I told him listen I’m Jewish and he said that he loved that too 

And in my head I said no you don’t, you’re probably just trying to get some because the key of missionary work is to have people turn to Christ

Don’t try to play me my dude, I am not a fiddle 

He put the pressure on my friend when he said I’m going to put you down, are you going to put me down 

Ok well what ever happen to at your own discretion 

Can she make her own secret decisions with out having to publicize them?… 

It was definitely an interesting experience 

So much so that apparently I was so rejected in the beginning that it followed all the way through because I made no matches and was invited to go back again free of charge 

Made me wonder that this has to be rigged to just get people to go out again although I still don’t understand why at no charge 

But how is it that I didn’t make at least one match when the nurse said he liked my vibe and I was positive we could have met up after 

Whatever… I was just trying to make some new friends anyway and hook them up with some other girls… 

 Bionica

Life

It was hard 

Hard to do all the time 

To be a parent to someone that is supposed to be your partner 

To someone that is supposed to be your equal 

It became too much 

To make up in all the places where his parents lacked 

To mother a grown man pushing 30 was a responsibility she no longer wanted to take on 

She was tired of repeating directions the way the a kindergarten teacher repeats the abc’s 

It was not a song that she wanted to sing 

She was over it 

She realized like so many before her, that all her efforts would never take flight on her 

But another…

Another that would receive everything she worked so hard to make better

Kind of like a potter 

That spins the wheel to mold the clay, that borrows the air to dry the clay and then uses the brush to paint the clay and borrows the heat to seal in the color 

So much efforts done for a piece that will be given away 

But she wasn’t a potter 

She did not want to give away her efforts 

She did not another to reap her harvest 

But it was too late of course 

The efforts she made will make a change 

As soon as she were to walk away 

He would see it all clearly 

Everything that she said 

The words that rose above in her silence 

He would hear it all 

He would use them all and be that person 

The right person a little too late

To belong to another…

Bionica

Thoughts

She wondered, what did she do?

What did she miss?

What game was he playing?

One day it’s I’d love to see you too 

The next day is silent and blank 

Like in between takes of a silent movie 

With a white question mark to show 

In the middle of the screen 

Searching her face for answers she cannot provide 

And so she didn’t 

She was tired of questioning something she would never know the answer to 

She continued going forward 

Occasionally wondering what if 

What could have been 

What could she have changed 

What was it that she did?

And then, something changed 

She grew tired of questioning 

She grew tired of waiting 

And so she moved on by herself 

With out looking back 

With out a question 

She ventured out on her own 

Without thinking of another

She only thought of herself 

Of what would be good for her 

Of what could help her grow 

Of what could help learn 

It was all she had left 

And it was a lot 

To learn to be alone and not just be content 

But to be happy with such 

She found herself 

And she loved herself 

Somehow all it took was a little bit of losing herself…

Bionica

Non Date

I don’t know if it was a date

Because, what dictates if something is a date?

Why can’t it just be called an outing with a friend 

Perhaps during the first outing we just flirt and hope to say sweet nothings 

But no, not on the first rendezvous 

Something must be left for the next time…

And so on this first not date we sat down and talked 

About so many things I was surprised and pleasantly taken aback 

It was the first time in a long time that the conversation was so good 

In the sense that it was clear 

We talked about life, religion and health 

No romance at all

And it was nice 

It was nice to simply talk without trying to flirt 

It was nice to have an intelligent conversation 

Without someone trying to lay a hand on my thigh 

And when we said goodbye 

There was no kiss on the lips 

It was simple and open 

An I hope to see you soon because this was nice 

Because this was fun

I liked it so much that if it doesn’t happen again 

I wouldn’t be able to despair 

Because for the first time in a long time, I’m not left wondering 

I’m not left out to think about the what if’s 

I simply think about what happened and how nice it was

Accepting the present and enjoying the moment 

And I have him to thank for that…

Bionica

It is...

As human beings, we make mistakes everyday 

It’s normal

Sometimes we know that we shouldn’t do something and yet 

We do it anyway 

It’s as if such an action glows bright like a DO NOT PRESS button 

Just asking to be pressed

It’s normal 

I guess life is about learning to have self control 

Learning to keep from doing certain things out of better judgement

It’s not always easy 

It’s normal 

We all go through it 

But then there are people 

People that change their paths 

And somehow experience amnesia 

It’s as if all of their previous mistakes 

Have been suddenly erased by their current good deeds 

It’s annoying 

Life isn’t about the ego 

It’s about learning to live regardless of the ego 

It’s about learning to live and let live 

It’s about being kind 

Life isn’t about being judgmental 

But some people make it their business to do so 

It’s annoying 

It’s about owning up to your actions good or bad 

It’s about being honest and moving forward with better intentions 

Life is not about making others feel shame about the mistakes they have done

It’s not about making others feel shame about the mistakes they continue to do 

Life is about helping others learn to move forward, without committing the same mistakes 

It’s about helping them understand that it’s not the best 

It’s about helping them understand that it’s not easy, but not impossible 

Life goes around full circle 

Life is learning to put more good than bad out there 

Because it just better 

It’s kind 

-Bionica 

But for Fake

There are times to which she must admit 

The fabrication of an imaginary boyfriend 

For the sole use of deterring an unwanted suitor 

Wow fancy right?

But it’s the truth 

There are times that it seems as if a woman’s word 

Just isn’t enough, something that she cannot quite grasp

Because how many no’s must a person hear to get the point?

And if the persistence continues after knowing about the “supposed boyfriend”

It honestly becomes disrespectful and annoying 

It’s understandable that we all feel what we feel 

Some feelings stronger than others 

But when certain things are not reciprocated if you keep on, 

You become a borderline harasser 

Just take a no, be a friend and keep hoping that she will change her mind 

Or breakup with the inexistent boyfriend and say “Hey you wanna go out?”

-Bionica

Growth

Really 

What it comes down to 

Is looking back 

And seeing how you have 

Become a better version of your previous self

Just like that

Not to critique all the faults that we all have 

But to see how you have grown 

How you have improved in ways 

That you never thought possible 

Because you never thought 

There was something to improve

Yet

All on your own 

You did it

Sounds like maturity 

And the ongoing lessons 

That life teaches us 

Ever growing 

Forever evolving

-Bionica

Beginnings and Ends

Well, she was at it again
Purposely sabotaging a would be relationship
With a nice guy
Someone that she didn't always understand
yet wanted to know more of

A person whose way of thinking
was the complete opposite of her's
A challenge that she happily welcomed
and of course one that she just ruined

She knew she was wrong in doing so
But she just couldn't go back
The words of an apology struggled
to meet her lips and make it outside
to touch the air and become vocal

So she just took it
With a deep breath and a sigh of resignation
She accepted that it was over
With a smooth beginning
and a bumpy end
It was over

And for the first time ever
She just wasn't ok with it
-Bionica

Something

image

And so she wondered
How did it happen?
What did she do?
To make him go away?

Was it something she said?
During those drunken nights
In which everyone was giddy with laughter
Perhaps the conversation was too much?

But he would barely say a word?
All that he did was make eye contact with her
To quickly avoid her glance
And then look to the floor

Did he misinterpret her words
Of friendliness towards others and good intentions?

As much as she questioned herself,
She could not come up with an answer
Nothing made sense
As to what caused his absence

But then again,
there are things that never do…

-Bionica

Liberatum

image

Never before had she felt so free
So liberated and ready to take on the world
To think that all it took was putting in the fear of holding on
So she did what she had to
She let go

She let it all go
And took in the thoughts of sunshine
The dream of travels
To places far away that she hadn't seen before
She was ready

She was ready to step on new soil
Because after all that, she was just
Not going to settle
-Bionica