A slave to my mother
She carried me for months regardless if she was ready to or not
And when I was ready, I made my way, not thinking of the pain she was feeling in the process
Rather selfish now that I think of it, but it was all I knew
Myself within her, breathing through her, communicating through her
Everything through her
It became her duty to teach me everything she wanted me to know
It became her duty to mold me into the person she wanted to be
But somewhere along, she lost her way
She lost sight of what was best
She lost sight of what was needed
Having knowledge of what she did, she made a conscious effort to set it all aside
Things were going to change
Things were going to be different
She would not be like the others
And neither would I
She constantly made note that all she did was for me
To become independent and stand on my own
To make my way in the world without the need of her as my crutch
But it was not so
She was too hurtful, she caused too much pain
All that she knew was falsely intertwined
It was a love to pretend
A love of the self and for the self
But not of health
The teachings meant to be good and full
Were in reality frayed like the edges of fabric
Stemming from the same place and opening up in a direction that leads nowhere
If pulled it would for sure break down the home from which it came
But to go out all alone would be suicide
Throwing a snip of thread to get lost in nothingness
Similar to what she taught me
That I had to go go go but whenever I tried tried tried
She would pull me back and tear some more telling asking if I saw what I was doing to her
Breaking her down repeatedly with my bad behavior
It had all become a tug of war
One in which each tug in which ever direction was enough to throw everything in a frenzy
As I learned more and more I realized that all of which she wanted, was not for me, but perhaps for her
She was quite conscious of what made her feel
Losing all notion of anyone else
Losing sight of what was right and what may be intelligent
Her grace was enough to teach you a little but not enough so that you would always have to go back
But if you happened to ask, well then you would never know
Why should she teach you? Why would she tell you anything?
At any given point in time you should know what she didn’t tell you
At any given point in time, you would move forward and then have to pull back 15 steps
Because you didn’t know where you were going
It gave her glee to know she was pulling the strings and she would hold me back
With confusing kindness to shield me away from all that would hurt
To ensure that I would stay
To ensure that I would lose sight of any necessary tool to go away
To make sure that I knew nothing beyond what she taught me
And only seek what she could show me