Love

Not everyone remembers things from when they were a kid

But I remember being sandwiched between my parents because I didn’t want to sleep alone 

And asking God to make me white 

I remember asking to have a name like Melissa or Cindy that was easy to say and couldn’t get messed up 

I remember a girl saying she didn’t want to be my friend because of a dark birthmark that I have 

Once I got jealous when my cousin told me she used Pantene Pro V because it meant that her hair was going to be like the girl in the commercial 

Long, thick and straight waving out like a fan when she would shake her head-just like the commercial

I remember that the top of the bottle had a gold band and for a time it was what I wanted most 

To have my hair washed with Pantene Pro V equaled beauty to me 

It meant that my hair would be straight and luxurious 

See, I have been in a perpetual fight with the comb & hair brush for as long as I could remember

The best days were when my mom would let my pajón out in full force 

It meant that I was free 

No one to tug on my hair to make me cry while trying to untangle it 

And when I got just for me I thought I was the hottest girl ever 

Yes, this girl was able to run her fingers through her hair and they would slide right through 

There was no getting caught in tangled knots for me 

Then the grown up relaxer came in and I felt it

The way the chemicals would burn through my scalp and leave scabs that made brushing my hair bumpy 

The way my hair would smell like an egg salad that went bad the first time I would wash my hair after having it chemically straightened 

But it was all part of the el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones (if you want nice hair, you have to take the pulling & tugging) process

Because after the relaxer was washed out it was time for the rollers to be set 

An hour under the hair dryer that my friend’s sister rightfully coined the Dominican torture chamber 

One for BDSM though-because as women we submit to it willingly… 

The hour under the secadora would turn my face red, I would fall asleep and then someone would loosen the rollos only to tell me that my hair needed more time so I would be there for an hour and half

After all it was time to straighten the hair via blow dryer 

The stylist would always offer a towel to cover my ears and prevent them from getting burned with all the hot air 

An act of kindness in all that candela 

My hair would get pulled on and I would constantly hear no muevas la cabeza (don’t move your head)

After all that was done the hair would look beautiful to be wrapped up in a tuvi kept in place with a redecilla (hair net)

But when I would go to school the next day, the girl in jr high that the boys didn’t like would have nice hair 

The boys might turn here and there giving her ego a boost 

I felt like finally I was getting somewhere 

But in all that time I didn’t think about how all this was part of my not liking myself 

See I wanted to change the very things that I love so much today

And during a trip across to Spain, I learned from my friends with pelo bueno to embrace the wildness of my hair and it felt so freeing to just let it be 

Shortly after that I decided that I wasn’t going to chemically straighten my hair anymore 

And let me tell you that the ladies at the salon were not having it 

They kept on asking why I was deciding to do this–perhaps more to them than to me 

Because one woman told me that she had to take an Advil after blowdrying my hair because her arm hurt 

Sometimes I would get asked if I was cristiana because I suppose that hair and religion go hand in hand

I remember walking through 163 in The Heights with my Peruvian friend with long wavy hair and a Dominican man clearly made a comment about la que ta peiná (the one that has hair done) 

I don’t know if she caught that but it stung 

It stung so bad to know that no one in my community would ever say a positive thing about staying true to oneself 

And although I stopped chemically straightening my hair I would still get it straightened at the salon 

Until one day I decided it was time for me to be happy 

See going to the salon was a chore that I never enjoyed 

Having to wait for my stylist to wash my hair, set the rollers, go under the dryer and blow dry it

It was never fun 

Some days I would get bumped if someone was there with pelo bueno that would be quicker to style 

It was almost as if I was being punished for something I had no control over-for being born a certain way 

So I stopped going to the salon 

The struggle continued as I am still learning to work with the best products suited for my hair 

I prefer to keep it in braids because it’s just easier 

But when I let it all out, I gotta say–this puti becomes a show stopper

The very thing that I was embarrassed by as a kid is what so many non-Dominicans love about me 

It’s amazing! 

I had gone on vacation to Greece and somehow forgot to bring a hair brush and a comb 

But it didn’t even matter 

I finger brushed the hair and no one even cared 

The cute guy from the restaurant in Mykonos was just bummed that I was leaving the next day 

Not because my hair lacked gel or mousse 

And so I have learned that in all this process a little encouragement from my mom would have gone a long way 

A little love as a kid wold have made all the difference in all the time lost doing something I didn’t even like 

But that’s how life is 

Experience is the best teacher 

I have learned that it all starts from the inside 

Just because my mother didn’t know how to teach self love 

That doesn’t mean I can’t learn it and hope to share it with others 

Including my former co-worker that recently made a comment about how I should straighten my hair if so that I could have looked nice for the Christmas party 

Oh yes he did say that 

And yes he is Dominican 

But I learned that his comments although he may not think they mean anything 

Show that he has a lot to learn about love 

And I think that is a major thing in the world today 

To learn all about love 

And the beauty it can do 

The good things it births 

Because as The Beatles once said All you need is love

Bionica

PS I love being morena 

And make sure to put on the SPF before sun because you already know, safety first ;)