To Learn

They say that every situation is meant to teach us something 

And so she began to wonder what it was that she was meant to learn 

From the person that made a constant effort to bring her down 

Her therapist told her it was domestic abuse–clearly

Yet she never saw it like so until someone else pointed it out 

And when she saw it for what it was her eyes opened to so many things 

One of them being the fact that just because something has been a generational pattern, it doesn’t mean that it’s right 

It doesn’t mean that she has to stay there and take the punches waiting to get hurt 

It also made her realize that she might be the only one seeing things for what they were 

That saying about standing for what you believe in even if it means standing alone 

It hit her hard like a baseball hits a fan in looking down at their phone knocking it out of their hand during a game, shocking them at the same time 

The main reason for this is because she really thought that others would see the abuse she was being put through 

Instead it was accredited to circumstances that came with a million and one excuses 

But that still didn’t make it right because putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches will do very little to make it better 

She was just seen as the odd one

The one that was making things difficult for her abuser 

And so she realized then that the black sheep in the family is a thing 

A real thing that occurs perhaps when someone brings something to light that others prefer to keep in the shadows 

But not her, she’s all about the light and making sure that the sun’s rays reach every nook and cranny 

That’s when the words of her therapist came in really loud like a gong at a temple early in the morning 

‘What are you going to do? Are you going to stay or are you going to leave?’

A difficult situation because she understood that if she left, it was very likely that she would leave everyone else behind 

Because at this point in time she stood alone and although she wasn’t lonely she was hurt that no one else was able to see what she saw 

She was hurt that so many were in agreement with her oppressor 

But maybe that’s what she was meant to learn 

That some people will hurt you and not care that they do 

That some people will never look inside and see why they do what they do 

That some people will constantly sweep things under the rug and walk over it like a mountain just the way Bart did once on the Simpsons 

Because for some it’s just easier to not see 

And as this happens, she knows that it’s her turn to go 

To be black sheep that’s happy to wander the meadow with peace of mind 

Not worrying about the ones she left behind.. 

Bionica

These Bosses...

I debated about this for a while 

Do I say anything or do I just put it off?

And by saying anything I mean write

So I decided to write

I have worked as a media producer in the radio field in the past 

Putting together a show for a host looking up as much information as possible 

Some days I found better things than others 

It was a day to day thing 

I couldn’t control what articles were going to come out in cosmo that the host would be fond of 

The host didn’t understand that 

The host wanted more effort on my behalf and it was my job to supply the demand 

It was a short shift of 4 hours that was 1 hour short of the commute I had to get there

Who in there right mind would do this?

Well a lot of people

See there is this thing about paying your dues and working your way up 

Apparently that’s also interwoven with being underpaid and it’s a known fact that is just accepted 

The employee does this willingly with the hopes to one day move up and do better 

I guess that many things in life are like this 

You take what you can get until you get to where you want to be 

And not all days were bad 

One of the perks was definitely meeting different people that came in for interviews 

A celebrity crush every once in a while with whom a selfie was granted 

Still I would have days in which I would ask myself what am I doing?

How is this helping me?

And then one day, I was let go 

The product of a company cutback 

It hurt a little, but it was for the best 

Because I just wasn’t going anywhere doing what I was doing 

I felt that I was putting in so much effort for someone else that wasn’t me 

And if I had worked on my personal projects the way I did as a producer

Well then things would have been slamming’ 

But I didn’t and the being let go turned out to be a good thing 

But not good enough because apparently I still hadn’t learned 

I was approached by the same host I worked for about 2 years after 

To produce from home and when asked I remember thinking ‘please don’t forget to pay me’ 

However I didn’t say anything 

I should have 

Because the host is as talented as the host is forgetful 

I was forgotten by this host that simply wanted my me to supply the demand 

Forgetting that my work adds a lot of value to her 

And would forget to pay me rather often and the point came in which I had to speak up 

Pointing out that there was a balance due of weeks and that I couldn’t continue to work without getting paid 

Instead of taking a step back to say, you’re right I’m sorry I haven’t been on top of things 

I got a ‘you know how I am all over the place’ 

It made me feel as if I was wrong in asking for that for which I worked for 

It made me question if I should have just kept on producing to be more understanding 

But I wasn’t wrong in doing so 

Another week came and I asked for a follow up payment that never came 

And neither did a message of acknowledgment that it was received 

That my work had any value 

I learned what I tried to hide 

That some people have no personal regard for others 

It’s all about what they can get for themselves

They choose with whom and when they want to communicate because it’s their game 

The ball is in there court and they decide who gets it 

And it sucks 

It really does because sometimes I would make excuses to try and understand 

But in reality, there is no excuse 

Being ignored by a supposed employer for asking that your work is valued 

Is completely wrong 

For the employer to act as if they can’t see or hear you is not ok 

It is not professional and shows disregard for human decency 

But not everyone will see it 

Some just see the limelight and not the shadows

But I’m sure I’m not the only one

Producers know, personal assistants know 

Some bosses are just selfish and inconsiderate 

But only the brave will dare to put on some Lizzo, break out the Coconut Oil 

To walk away from the horrible bosses and run to self love… 

Bionica

Love

Not everyone remembers things from when they were a kid

But I remember being sandwiched between my parents because I didn’t want to sleep alone 

And asking God to make me white 

I remember asking to have a name like Melissa or Cindy that was easy to say and couldn’t get messed up 

I remember a girl saying she didn’t want to be my friend because of a dark birthmark that I have 

Once I got jealous when my cousin told me she used Pantene Pro V because it meant that her hair was going to be like the girl in the commercial 

Long, thick and straight waving out like a fan when she would shake her head-just like the commercial

I remember that the top of the bottle had a gold band and for a time it was what I wanted most 

To have my hair washed with Pantene Pro V equaled beauty to me 

It meant that my hair would be straight and luxurious 

See, I have been in a perpetual fight with the comb & hair brush for as long as I could remember

The best days were when my mom would let my pajón out in full force 

It meant that I was free 

No one to tug on my hair to make me cry while trying to untangle it 

And when I got just for me I thought I was the hottest girl ever 

Yes, this girl was able to run her fingers through her hair and they would slide right through 

There was no getting caught in tangled knots for me 

Then the grown up relaxer came in and I felt it

The way the chemicals would burn through my scalp and leave scabs that made brushing my hair bumpy 

The way my hair would smell like an egg salad that went bad the first time I would wash my hair after having it chemically straightened 

But it was all part of the el que quiere moño bonito tiene que aguantar jalones (if you want nice hair, you have to take the pulling & tugging) process

Because after the relaxer was washed out it was time for the rollers to be set 

An hour under the hair dryer that my friend’s sister rightfully coined the Dominican torture chamber 

One for BDSM though-because as women we submit to it willingly… 

The hour under the secadora would turn my face red, I would fall asleep and then someone would loosen the rollos only to tell me that my hair needed more time so I would be there for an hour and half

After all it was time to straighten the hair via blow dryer 

The stylist would always offer a towel to cover my ears and prevent them from getting burned with all the hot air 

An act of kindness in all that candela 

My hair would get pulled on and I would constantly hear no muevas la cabeza (don’t move your head)

After all that was done the hair would look beautiful to be wrapped up in a tuvi kept in place with a redecilla (hair net)

But when I would go to school the next day, the girl in jr high that the boys didn’t like would have nice hair 

The boys might turn here and there giving her ego a boost 

I felt like finally I was getting somewhere 

But in all that time I didn’t think about how all this was part of my not liking myself 

See I wanted to change the very things that I love so much today

And during a trip across to Spain, I learned from my friends with pelo bueno to embrace the wildness of my hair and it felt so freeing to just let it be 

Shortly after that I decided that I wasn’t going to chemically straighten my hair anymore 

And let me tell you that the ladies at the salon were not having it 

They kept on asking why I was deciding to do this–perhaps more to them than to me 

Because one woman told me that she had to take an Advil after blowdrying my hair because her arm hurt 

Sometimes I would get asked if I was cristiana because I suppose that hair and religion go hand in hand

I remember walking through 163 in The Heights with my Peruvian friend with long wavy hair and a Dominican man clearly made a comment about la que ta peiná (the one that has hair done) 

I don’t know if she caught that but it stung 

It stung so bad to know that no one in my community would ever say a positive thing about staying true to oneself 

And although I stopped chemically straightening my hair I would still get it straightened at the salon 

Until one day I decided it was time for me to be happy 

See going to the salon was a chore that I never enjoyed 

Having to wait for my stylist to wash my hair, set the rollers, go under the dryer and blow dry it

It was never fun 

Some days I would get bumped if someone was there with pelo bueno that would be quicker to style 

It was almost as if I was being punished for something I had no control over-for being born a certain way 

So I stopped going to the salon 

The struggle continued as I am still learning to work with the best products suited for my hair 

I prefer to keep it in braids because it’s just easier 

But when I let it all out, I gotta say–this puti becomes a show stopper

The very thing that I was embarrassed by as a kid is what so many non-Dominicans love about me 

It’s amazing! 

I had gone on vacation to Greece and somehow forgot to bring a hair brush and a comb 

But it didn’t even matter 

I finger brushed the hair and no one even cared 

The cute guy from the restaurant in Mykonos was just bummed that I was leaving the next day 

Not because my hair lacked gel or mousse 

And so I have learned that in all this process a little encouragement from my mom would have gone a long way 

A little love as a kid wold have made all the difference in all the time lost doing something I didn’t even like 

But that’s how life is 

Experience is the best teacher 

I have learned that it all starts from the inside 

Just because my mother didn’t know how to teach self love 

That doesn’t mean I can’t learn it and hope to share it with others 

Including my former co-worker that recently made a comment about how I should straighten my hair if so that I could have looked nice for the Christmas party 

Oh yes he did say that 

And yes he is Dominican 

But I learned that his comments although he may not think they mean anything 

Show that he has a lot to learn about love 

And I think that is a major thing in the world today 

To learn all about love 

And the beauty it can do 

The good things it births 

Because as The Beatles once said All you need is love

Bionica

PS I love being morena 

And make sure to put on the SPF before sun because you already know, safety first ;)

My NY

 But what are you doing to my NY?

To my happy place and that of so many others?

To the place where dreams are made of and magic flows in all directions with infinite possibilities 

The place where without a passport you are able to go from China to Italy taking a few steps from Baxter St to Mulberry St

Where a drive to Brooklyn can be a trip to the islands without hopping on a plane to get some authentic coco bread as if you were in Jamaica 

Taking it over to Bay Ridge you are romantically enthralled by the enchantment of the Middle East in kebabs and kanafeh 

The place where I learned that tinga is a Mexican dish very different from my word of choice with a p instead of a t 

The place that has sprinkles from all over the world within the boroughs 

To my favorite place at Christmas time 

Where the storefront displays market love and unity by bringing so many people together 

Why are you looting the dreamland?

Looting in now way makes anything right 

Neither does throwing a tantrum nor kicking and screaming as we have learned as children 

In kindergarten we were taught that love gets us further than anything else 

And now at a time where love needs to be expressed most 

People are making it scarce 

Reflecting anything but and losing sight of the important thing 

Humanity 

Humanity is what’s important and coming together as a people to bring forth understanding 

Separating yourself from love can be self sabotage 

Almost like a good branch that would snap itself off a tree 

It just doesn’t do any good 

To make a point clear, hold hands and show unity in kindness 

Reacting with love, let the tears roll down the face and cleanse the inside as it must 

But don’t fill yourself with anger 

It will do you no good and take away from your magic… 

Bionica

What I wanted...

I wanted to text you 

To see if it was really true 

That you really left, with out saying goodbye 

Like a hotel guest that simply drops the key on the bed before walking towards the door 

Rolling a suitcase towards the elevator and walking out the back door 

But I didn’t text you 

Because I knew you wouldn’t reply 

And if you had it would have been weird after you were supposedly gone 

But I wanted to think that I was special 

That our conversations meant something 

I expected to get a message from someone letting me know 

That our weekly FaceTime conversations would no longer be 

That the friend that made 6th grade so memorable is now a in a better place 

I wanted to know that us having met again after so many years was real and not an illusion 

But it was real and I have the time stamped messages to prove it 

I have the voice note to hear you so that I can replay your voice out loud and not just in my head 

So that someone else can know that it was real 

My becoming friends again with someone from elementary school much after high school and college

Because life’s meetings aren’t always by chance 

We are meant to meet 

We are meant to make friends 

We are meant to simply be the best that we possible can 

We are meant to share glorious moments that will always be remembered… 

Bionica