What You Already Know

 It happened quite some time ago, but there are moments that stay in our minds forever 

See it’s a cultural thing that is some how normal among my Dominican people

To visit psychics and have your cards read is a thing of camaraderie almost 

And so I remember going with my mom 

The first thing I was told was to refrain from letting the brujo know that we lived in the states 

The man is supposed to be a good Cuban burro-how does he not know where we live?

I wondered this and as I write it today, I can’t help but laugh–because it’s funny

So there I am in what seems to be a small container with only one room and although it was the early 2000s the man had a this old phone with the curly telephone wire that on top of that seemed so heavy it would make an excellent paper weight 

Suddenly the phone rang and he says ‘excuse me’  but I’m not supposed to know any English, dique…

The man lays out the cards and tells me yo veo un viaje- I see a trip in your near future

Um, well yes we were about to go home soon, probably that very week…

Something that I already knew and then apparently he did too 

Which has prompted me to wonder what the whole point was of paying someone to tell me things that I already knew 

What kind of game is that? Not a good one because I don’t really see the benefit of giving someone else money for what we will now both know

It’s a little annoying and tedious as a I think about it 

But for some people it’s the best thing ever 

To have someone relay things that you never thought anyone else knew 

Could it be that the brujo is a more accepted version of a therapist 

To pay someone to tell you things that may or may not be true while you listen intently and aghast because they tell you so much 

Kind of sounds like it, at least a little 

Oh and there was a doozy! 

The man tells me no vas a tener mucha suerte en el amor –you won’t be very lucky in love 

Well what is luck is exactly? Because although some people may consider it unlucky to be single, someone in a bad relationship may consider it the best luck ever 

This all comes down to your view on the situation and life 

It’s that seeing the glass half empty or half full mentality 

But to my mother this was not good 

She tried to say it wasn’t true because now she was psychic too and decided that she knew more than the handsome Cuban man she just paid to tell her some truths 

But you know what would be the even more difficult pill to swallow for her?

The fact that one day I would grow to not care about my relationship status because it meant that being in one is not a priority to me 

That is the biggest shock to her 

Because although romantic relationships may hold importance to her, it can be rather challenging to understand that they aren’t for her daughter 

It was the affirmation of what she already knew 

That her daughter’s alien thoughts would never be fully comprehended by her 

That her daughter’s radical way of thinking would just be too strange for her 

That her daughter could very well belong to someone else because she would never understand her 

And to the daughter 

Well she just took it all in stride 

Knowing well that somethings just weren’t meant to be understood… 

Bionica 

Peace of Mind

Last night my mom told me she was going to head out early 

Sometime around 9am to sign some papers as she would be a witness in an upcoming wedding 

I didn’t know about it and scheduled appointments beforehand 

And so I told her that if I were to accompany her, I would have to be back 11am 

To which she replied ‘so then just stay home’ 

It’s one of those replies that in between the lines really says ‘It would be nice if you cancelled your appointments so that you could come with and I wouldn’t have to go alone’

But the thing is that if I were to do such a thing, well it would really be so much more to endure 

Beginning with the questioning critique in regards to my choice in attire 

From that she would jump to the fact that I don’t wear makeup, surely followed up by a personal comparison of myself to someone else that to her is much more accomplished where to her I simply lack 

It gets exhausting and I can only sigh so much… 

So I just happily refrain from attending many events

It is a choice that perhaps few may understand, but my peace of mind comes first 

I don’t know what others think but I do have a feeling that they don’t really know the power of words 

For it is way too often that words of encouragement are replaced with those of criticism and dislike that it becomes second nature and almost an integral part of the conversation 

Soon enough it becomes all too odd to have a conversation without at least one parental or family insult 

But I don’t like any of that 

And some families seem to have a lot of it 

From sisters, to aunts, mothers and grandmothers 

I can’t say I’ve heard it much from the male counterparts

However I can say that I know understand how some people just drift away 

It comes down to putting yourself first 

It comes down to knowing that conversations can be better, great in fact when the words entertained are those of good thought and kind sayings

It comes down to understanding that not everyone will understand this 

And sometimes you may be the only one 

Which leaves you with the choice ‘do you want to understand certain things alone with peace of mind or would you prefer to be surrounded by people to feel as if they are constantly throwing dirt at you?’…

Bionica 

Sight & Perception

I read somewhere that the way in which we perceive love has a lot to do with our experiences

For example, if as a kid you were often pushed around by those you cared about

It could be that as an adult you may feel that being treated in a smilier manner equals love, especially from a romantic partner 

But does that make sense? Is it possible that our perception of love changes with every relationship?

If one person is constantly telling us one thing and when we don’t hear that in another relationship do we question the love our current partner has for us? Or could it be that we somehow program our brains to think love is different with each partner?

Probably not, it honestly does make more sense to understand that like a computer our hard drive seems to be programmed a certain way after a period of time in which we have experienced similar patterns in relationships 

It actually does make sense because it just so happens that we grow accustomed to certain behaviors 

Although they may not be the best, they are not foreign and perhaps we feign comfort from such 

Because it’s what we know best… 

So would that explain why I build up so much around unrequited love?

Because I have somehow sabotaged all would and could be relationships by always finding a fault that perhaps never existed?

Because I just never gave a chance to nice relationship for long enough to say, oh wow well those nice words and sweet things, they’re nice…I really like this…

How else could I explain letting go of Miami?

Miami is to this day the sweetest ever 

Kind, expressive and affectionate 

Yet when he told me that he wanted to know if there was still something there while being in a relationship with someone else it made me wonder ‘well now sir, do you think so little of me to disrespect me in not thinking that I would want someone to be completely dedicated to me and not in a ‘secretly’ open relationship?’

But did I tell him this?

No, I did not

‘Why?’ asks no one in particular–because I didn’t care to 

I guess I prefer to cling on to whatever semblance of friendship we may have without making unexpected waves that might not be welcomed 

I don’t know…it could also be chucked up to the fact that I’m an over thinker that needs to learn to love in the moment 

Would that make thins easier? Perhaps. Perhaps life may flow better this way

Perhaps I’ll give it a try, someday… 

But then what about West Coast?

Offered to make some magic in a kitchen 

For me! For me! Can you believe it?

What a guy and I said nothing, nothing at all 

That could again be easily blamed on overthinking and wondering about nonsense 

Instead of being present I thought of too many what ifs that never seems to play, not even a single round of chess… 

But does this even tie in with my experience or inexperience of love and perception?

It may–because the tickets were given to those that could have been done with out 

And now those that would value the ride just get overlooked…

And to change this all now

What do I do?

Simply be present in the moment, breathe, open my eyes, ears and heart 

Maybe…Maybe

-Bionica

How much longer?

I’ve gotten to thinking that the people that oppose same sex relationships have never experienced love 

They never experienced finding someone to brighten their day with a smile, someone that is understanding and speaks wonders to their soul

These people have been missing out on the joy of life and of love 

Their lack of such mixed with some other things has blinded them to the freedom of love 

Maybe…I don’t know, but it could be why they aren’t able to be happy to hear of another person experiencing such bliss 

To find a partner that makes their heart sing 

I read it all the time, how people have found their soulmates, their best friends… 

And I think to myself–well how beautiful is that 

And when you share such news with the world its because you want to some how have them feel at least a little bit of that love that you’re feeling 

But some people just can’t take it because they don’t know what it is 

They have closed themselves off to the love that is real and they have a rather warped view of things 

Their ego gets the best of them and it’s like a maze, no a labyrinth of things that don’t make sense and preconceived notions that lack love 

Take for instance people that follow things hardcore without room for error when they read holy texts

They forget that the golden rule clearly states to ‘love your neighbor’ –and to simplify things, ‘love your neighbor as you love yourself’

But they only repeat what they want 

They like to play games and guilt trip other people for things that make no sense 

It’s annoying and I’m totally over it 

I’m hoping that soon enough they will be over it too and finally open the door to love especially after hearing them preach so much…

How much longer though?

Bionica 

Mask On

She couldn’t remember if she had told him 

So she said it again 

The best that she could, in a friendly tone that was a bit to chipper 

But she had to say it 

Just in case–she told him that she wasn’t interested in him 

Not in a romantic way, simply as a friend 

To which he surprised that he was very well aware of the fact 

To which she wondered ‘why then are you being so persistent making thins weird?’

But she didn’t say any of that 

She just got into her feelings, even more so when he asked her 

‘Would it still be considered a kiss if we’re both wearing masks?’

That was just too much for her, not just weird, not just uncomfortable but a little scary 

How could someone knowingly ask such a question of a person they clearly know isn’t interested in such 

She found it to be disrespectful and completely uncalled for 

It was a direct violation, at least to her 

And so what would she do then? 

Avoid his calls? How could they when they worked so close together?

Leave her job, the one she needed so much?

Report him? While also being afraid to put his job in jeopardy?

Talk to him again and let him know that she viewed his actions as scary?

It all made her wonder

‘How does any human think this is ok?’

What is it with people expressing defiance towards consent?

It’s selfish and not in a good way, it’s also way too egotistical in her opinion… 

Bionica

Her

The trip seemed rather uneventful 

They went up the elevator, spoke to a few people and back down again 

The door opened and as he went up the stairs he saw a girl to his left 

Something about her called him by name 

But he didn’t want to be the first one to say something, so he just smiled

A happy smile that he imagined said ‘hello, my name is… and I want to look into your eyes and hold your hand’

He wondered if she got all that from a the twinkle that for sure was in his eye 

And then as he walked towards the middle, she spoke to him 

It wasn’t like a song with melodic strings accompanying her voice 

It was simple and beautiful 

Because he could feel her energy radiating and warming him up as walked closer

She congratulated him on his work and he took her hands into his to say thank you 

When what he really wants to do was bring her close to him and see if he could somehow smell her hair, the hair that was tied up and away from her face 

As their hands touched he felt a shock, it was weird but good and he wondered if she did too 

Her image stayed with him as he made his way to the door 

And his brain kept replaying what just happened 

He wondered if perhaps he should have said something else 

Like may be asked her name and where she lived but that would all be too sudden 

So he thought that perhaps it should have been something more simple 

As he was lost in his thoughts, they were interrupted 

By a short girl with long blonde hair that was polite and eager at the same time 

At first he wasn’t sure of what he was hearing and when it finally registered he felt himself smiling 

On the inside as much as on the outside 

He was going to see her again 

The girl with the smile, the girl whose hands he just held hoping to know her name 

And so he went and fell in love with her eyes, with her smile and with her vibe 

There was something about her that he couldn’t exactly describe, but he felt it 

Before holding her close for the picture, he looked her up and down 

Taking her in, to make sure that he would be able to play it back later 

He was smooth and snaked his arms around her body and she fell into him 

It wasn’t weird, it just felt right 

He closed his eyes and he kissed her, staying there for a few seconds just right 

He could feel her smile, he could feel her warmth intermingling with his 

Almost becoming a part of each other 

But he didn’t think of it much then 

Yet it would be something that he would feel continuously 

Later learning of what it actually meant 

For him, for her, for them and everyone else… 

Bionica 

Weird Girl

I went speed dating again 

It was my second time on the virtual whirlwind and I was late again 

I honestly had forgotten all about it and I had received the email 2 hours before 

I probably should have put an alarm for it, but I didn’t 

I feel that this time was somewhat better 

For starters it was all in a single meeting atmosphere instead of a shared screen with everyone

I liked that because being in a virtual room just makes me feel even more awkward

Why? Who knows… It just happens 

The dates were about 6 minutes each and there is a timer at the top of the screen 

The gentlemen were all very nice and I guess you could say that they were easy to talk to 

Would I date any of them?

Probably not, but I’m not much of a dater

So why did I even go speed dating?

For the experience and because I received the email invitation so why not right 

The first guy told me he does interior design and architecture 

Incredibly cool however there wasn’t a spark 

Has there ever been one while speed dating?

Not that I could say 

To me it’s almost like a good way to network though because you never know who you might meet 

So I kind of see it more as a social mixer in which I am having short conversations with people 

That I don’t have to have any romantic interest in but if there is well that could just be a plus

The last guy on the date was the most interesting 

See my dude was telling me that his apartment with amazing natural light was hot 

Yet he had the air conditioner on with the windows open 

I mean really… 

So we get to talking and he is very open and asked me if I met any weirdos 

Right away I thought, well I’m the one that’s weird but I kept that to myself 

Apparently he had come across a few interesting ladies 

Why were they so interesting? I didn’t venture out to ask although perhaps I should have… 

As we’re talking I tell him I’m trying to get my coaching license and he proposes a scenario in which 

He’s my client that confesses to the pre-mediated action of robbing a bank 

RED FLAG because I like to go the speed limit, wait my turn without cutting the line, tell the truth, follow the rules because if I don’t, I’m afraid fo what might happen 

But he doesn’t know this and so this is a red flag to him I guess

He goes on to ask me where I live and I tell him a near by town 

The man isn’t shy about telling me where he lives but that’s all him 

When he asked me I outright say, I can’t tell you that, I don’t know you like that 

To which he replies, ‘well what do you think I’m going to do, knock on every door looking for you?’

Obviously not, but as a woman, I always see myself taking extra precautions 

Because you just never know…

Did I get strange vibes from him? No, I didn’t, but still I’m careful–

Second strike in my field though 

Then as we go on he says something about going out for coffee but I don’t drink coffee

And do you know what he said?

Well I was going to match, but now I’m not! 

Um ok fine because I have to be clear on what I drink 

Which is water with lime and when I’m feeling wild seltzer on the rocks with lime 

Ooh yeah wild!!!!

But he didn’t find that too amusing at all 

So I went on these 5 dates without the intention of matching with anyone 

And then I’m outright rejected for being myself I suppose 

Geez what’s a girl to do?

Lie, dye my hair, get it straightened and post constant selfies of me not smiling with a pout that may look like I’m holding in the poop in a sorry intent to look ‘sexy’ 

Because it just comes out looking unfriendly and not very approachable for various reasons, one being that if the fart erupts it may be too strong to withstand

No, I don’t think that I will commit to any of those changes 

Just keep being my weird self and when someone asked me if I met any weirdos 

I might smile and point to myself with my thumbs and a grin like the silver fox in the dos X ads 

Just a thought…because one weird turn deserves another 

Bionica